


Home of the Bears

by BuckyAndDanno



Series: Evan Buckley/Jay Halstead Fics [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: 51 Cleans House, 51 Takes Over 118, Angst, Buck Begins in Ch9, Buck Is A Lieutenant, Buck on Squad, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley-Severide, Family Feels, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Protective Kelly Severide, Severide Bros, Starting Over, Worried Kelly Severide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26428222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno
Summary: Post-Lawsuit. Anonymous complaints. The Chief of the LAFD has had enough of the 118’s behaviour, so he puts in a call to his old friend Wallace Boden; after all, they’d been thinking of updating their command structure and operations anyway. Boden, along with his top two teams at Chicago Firehouse 51, arrive in L.A. to show the 118 a thing or two about teamwork and family. What they don’t expect is to find Evan “Buck” Buckley-Severide in the middle of it.Bobby and co thought all they had to lose was their firehouse. As it turns out, they should have been more worried about losing Buck to the 51.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Kelly Severide, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Jay Halstead, Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Series: Evan Buckley/Jay Halstead Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929322
Comments: 252
Kudos: 717





	1. One For All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [V_eliza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_eliza/gifts).



> Inspired by Save Myself In Spite Of You by V_eliza. I was reading it recently and then today was going through my Evan Buckley-Severide series, and this idea popped into my head.
> 
> I basically wanted to turn my Evan Buckley-Severide series on its head where, instead of Buck leaving and going to Chicago, Chicago and the 51 come to him. Bobby and co get a taste of their own medicine when it starts to feel like Buck is replacing them in his family, and come to their senses about what they might lose.
> 
> Also just featuring Buck being so much smarter than anyone gives him credit for, and being damn good at his job. I mean, come on!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1 or Chicago Fire. Also, the titles for Chapters One and Two are taken from the amazing song All For One by Five For Fighting.

_Can we even call ourselves a family anymore?_

It’s the same thought that runs through Evan “Buck” Buckley’s head every morning; that has run through his head nonstop for the past 34 days.

Maybe it had been wishful thinking, believing that when he got back to work, when he got back to the 118, that everything would be good again. That everything would be okay again.

Maybe it was wishful thinking to believe that the people he had always supported, who he had always stood by, would have his back just the same.

_“Who’s protecting you?”_

That’s what Mackey had asked him, all those weeks – nearly two months – ago, and at the time Buck had said his team was; that Bobby was.

Now, he was pretty sure they were only concerned with protecting themselves.

_“They’re my family.”_

But… were they?

Once again he recalls the handful of times he’d woken up in the hospital, and not once had the team been there. Sure, they’d visited after, maybe once or twice, but they hadn’t been there initially, and what did that say about it all, really?

What did that say for how much they cared for him?

He knows he was a punk ass kid when he first came to the 118, knows he pushed Cap’s buttons one too many times. He could blame it all on the reason he’d left Chicago, but he knows it’s not really true. He knows it all came from his desperate desire to be loved and remembered for who **he** was, not who his family was. It came from a desire to be **seen**.

Now, he was nothing more than a ghost anyway.

_“You’re not ready.”_

_“My house, my rules.”_

Nash says that he was trying to protect him; that he was concerned for his wellbeing. Buck knows by now it’s all a bunch of lies and garbage.

If Nash had wanted to care for him, he would have told him the truth in the beginning, instead of going behind his back. If he actually cared, he wouldn’t be freezing Buck out now he’d won and was back; wouldn’t be letting everyone else push him around and whisper how much of a traitor to the department he was. If Nash cared, they wouldn’t be in this whole mess in the first place.

No. Nash didn’t care about anything but himself.

Buck knew that now.

Besides, for all their treating him like he was made of porcelain, and saying that they cared, they were sure quick enough to dismiss his feelings entirely, weren’t they?

_“Push forward and move on.”_

_“You’re exhausting!”_

_“Suck it up, Buckley.”_

Sometimes, Buck felt like he couldn’t win.

Sometimes, Buck wished he’d never left Chicago.

Regardless, Buck gets up each morning anyway.

After all, it’s not like he has anywhere better to go.

_Witness report of abuse of power._

_Witness report of bullying towards a colleague._

_Civilian report of capable firefighter being side-lined._

_Civilian complaint of witnessed mistreatment._

Chief Vincent Alvarez sighs heavily and scrubs a hand over his face. Stark lines around his eyes betray his age, cerulean gaze dark with stress and fatigue.

The 118 was a good house, and he’d let many misdemeanours slide because Nash vouched for his team. He’d let ‘back to work’ protocol be waived for Howard Han, twice, had let Diaz off with a warning for god damn street fighting. He’d vouched for them himself once or twice, because he knew they were good at their jobs and he knew Nash had a solid head on his shoulders.

But now…

Buckley was one of the best LAFD had to offer. He’d come from CFD with an exemplary record – a decorated Lieutenant who’d set records on his Squad certification – and had continued to break records and defy odds here in the LAFD. When Buckley had recertified, Alvarez had been more than glad to sign off on his paperwork to return.

When Nash had expressed concern over the medication Buckley was taking, Alvarez had let the Captain have the final say.

Then it turned out that Nash had lied to Buckley’s face, and the department and city had been rewarded with a – on legitimate grounds – lawsuit in return.

Now Buckley was back, but it seemed that Captain Nash was still determined to let his personal feelings cloud his judgement, and for the first time, Alvarez was not going to sit back and let that happen.

So he makes a call.

It’s a few days later when Alvarez steps foot inside the 118, and he can see with his own eyes what havoc has been wrought on the once happy, vibrant house.

The air is silent; devoid of laughter or mirth. Firefighters mill around, completing jobs and checking equipment, but no-one smiles, no-one jokes around. Immediately, it’s the sign of a house in trouble.

Alvarez can feel the tension seeping off everyone as he moves further inside, but its only when he begins to ascend to the balcony that he sees first-hand the reason for it all.

Even though he knew, seeing it, hearing it, is that much harder.

“I thought I told you to clean to truck.” Nash’s voice is hard and cold as it floats out of the office, door mostly closed.

“I was just going to – ”

“That’s not good enough, Buckley.” Nash responds, cutting the younger firefighter off. “You wanted to come back. I told you, my house, my rules. I gave you a job to do.”

“I was just – ”

“I don’t care.”

Alvarez feels his blood pressure boiling, hands clenching to the point where his nails threaten to split his skin. Shaking his head in disgust, he bustles into the office, face red with fury.

“Chief Alvarez!” Nash is quick to stand, façade pulling up a terse smile. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

Alvarez takes a look at Buckley first, and he feels sick at what he sees. The young man he’d once thought would be set to take over Captain one day is pale, thin and exhausted. Bruises decorate the sallow skin beneath his eyes. Gone is the joyful smile and contagious cheeky laughter. In its place is a man who has been thoroughly broken by mistreatment and hatred from those he’d thought to be family.

Alvarez feels sick that he didn’t notice it all sooner, yet thankful he made the call when he did.

Turning to Nash, Alvarez lets his anger betray his words before he speaks them. “Captain Nash, I am severely disappointed and honestly disgusted by the way I’ve just heard you treat a subordinate under your command.”

“Chief, I…” Buck starts to defend the Captain, and that just makes Alvarez sad; more so when Buck’s watch starts beeping angrily at him.

Alvarez lowers a hand to Buck’s shoulder, squeezing softly. “I believe you were about to tell your Captain that you needed to pause chores in order to take your meds. Unlike Nash here, I actually read your medical evals.”

Nash has the decency to look moderately ashamed, at least, but it does nothing to quell Alvarez’ anger at the man.

“Go on son.” He says to Buck, and then he’s back to glaring at Nash with the fury of a thousand suns. “As for you, bring your whole house downstairs. Now.”

Perhaps it’s the righteous anger that Nash has never heard from him before, but the other man double times it out of the office to call the house down into the truck bay. Alvarez squeezes Buck’s shoulder one more time, before moving out downstairs. He’s glad to see Buck looking a fraction less pale when he joins them a minute later.

“I’m not going to speculate the who’s and why’s.” Alvarez starts. “But judging by the anonymous complaints, and the number of them, that have crossed my desk this week in regards to this house, I know that some of you have witnessed appalling behaviour over the past month. Behaviour that I have just witnessed myself.” He shakes his head, walking down the line of officers. “It is never, NEVER, acceptable to bully, harass, or emotionally abuse another member of your house, regardless of the situation and what you may believe.”

He pauses in front of Bobby, Chimney, Hen and Eddie, watching each of them closely. “Furthermore, if the department signs off on a team member’s return, it is not up to your personal opinion or unwarranted vendetta to oppose that decision.” He turns away in disgust. “I should fire every one of you and clean out this god damn house.”

Despite the power he holds and the clear fury they’re witnessing, it doesn’t stop a select few from sounding concerns and dismay at that.

“Sir, we – ”

“He – ”

“Sued us.”

“Quiet!” Alvarez yells, spinning back to the four in question that he’s especially disgusted with. “From those split second comments I can understand that you know exactly what I’m referring to and are not denying your actions. You should all be ashamed.”

He turns his eyes to Buckley, who’s suddenly looking paler than he had in Nash’s office, shaking and unsteady. The officer next to him has his hand on Buck’s shoulder, a soft but friendly squeeze to reassure him that he’s not alone. Alvarez feels thankful that at least a few people in the house know right from wrong.

“I’m going to set the record straight, and I am not going to repeat myself. Clear?” He eyes them all, but his gaze sticks on Nash. “Evan Buckley was cleared for duty by the entirety of the LAFD medical board, HR, and myself, regardless of his medication. We were aware of the risks, and Evan promised to mitigate most risk to himself by only attending low to mid priority calls and avoiding dangerous rescues where possible. Captain Nash disagreed, and I allowed him to make the final call. However, Captain Nash did not speak with Buckley about this, and told him that it was the LAFD that wouldn’t let him back. That is both an abuse of power and trust, something an LAFD Captain vows never to do. When Evan found out, he was well within his legal rights to sue, and I’ll tell you something else.” He pauses now, eyes boring into Nash’s. “He won. He turned down a thirteen million dollar settlement to return to this house and what is he met with? Disdain and hatred from those he once called family. That boy has given everything for the LAFD and what has it given him in return?”

He lets the question hang; lets them think on it. Breaking his gaze from Nash, he turns back to address the entire house.

“But I have a better plan for the 118 than simply cleaning house, because that is going to change nothing when it comes to how you treat others.” He shakes his head, instead pointing outside. “Within the hour, some of Chicago’s finest are going to step through those doors. When they do, this house is under the command of Chief Wallace Boden. We will be updating our command structure and operations to reflect those of the CFD. This house will be receiving a Squad unit in addition to Truck, Ladder and Ambo. You will be shadowing the CFD members, to observe how they work as a unit, as a team, and as a family. I hope to god you learn something.”

He shakes his head, turning his back on them all. “After two weeks, if Chief Boden finds you unfit for duty, you WILL NOT have a job to return to.” Then he’s gone, and he hopes to god he’s made the right decision.

Buck can’t stop shaking.

As soon as Chief Alvarez had begun dressing down the 118, his old team in particular, he’d felt his heart start to pound hard against his rib cage. He’d felt immediately dizzy, swaying on his feet, and it was only through the kindness of Johnson – one of the few members of the 118 to still have his back – that he didn’t fall over right there.

Then Alvarez said that Boden was coming, and Buck felt all the air leave his lungs.

Chief Wallace Boden had been the first person to give Buck a shot at being a firefighter. He’d been the finest father figure that Buck had been blessed to have in his life. He’d been everything to both Buck and Kelly.

Then Benny died, and Kelly fell apart, and Buck was left in the wake of their devastation. He’d spiralled and fallen hard, to the point where he’d felt ashamed to call himself a member of CFD, and though 51 had done everything they could to prove he still belonged – that they still loved him – Buck had ran away.

He’d done everything from then to forget his past, forget who he’d been, and the family he’d let down. He’d tried to be anything other than Benny Severide’s adopted son – Kelly Severide’s brother.

He’d tried to just be Buck, because ‘just Buck’ couldn’t let anyone down.

Then he’d saved a man from a bar fire, had been seen by the then Chief of the LAFD, and been offered a job he couldn’t refuse. While he’d asked them not to mention his CFD past – even if that had confused the then Chief because of his exemplary record – he hadn’t been able to deny the rush he’d felt in getting to be a firefighter again. After all, it’s what he’d been born to do.

At least in LA, he wasn’t anyone they knew or owed anything to. In LA, there was no-one he could let down except for himself. In LA, he could make sure people loved him for him.

So maybe he’d acted out a bit at first – craving the love and attention he’d so sorely missed – but then the 118 had wormed their way into his heart in a way he’d never expected. They’d become the family he’d left behind. Suddenly, he didn’t want to let them down. Suddenly, he felt loved and accepted.

Suddenly, he was okay again.

Until now.

Now his two worlds were colliding, and Buck didn’t know what sort of carnage was going to be left behind, because if Boden was coming, then that meant Kelly was too; and that left too many questions in Buck’s mind.

Would his brother forgive him?

Would he be there for Buck in the way he’d craved for the past few months; his finger hovering over the call button so many times?

Would the rest of 51 have his back, like they used to?

Or would they side with the 118, despite Alvarez’s words? Would he feel even more isolated than he already did?

He misses the look Alvarez gives him, or that the other man has even left. His hand is too busy gripping his chest, his lungs struggling to breathe. Johnson’s eyes are watching him, concerned, hand still tight on Buck’s shoulder, and then he’s being pulled away, and Eddie’s face is filling Buck’s vision instead.

“What the hell do you think this is?” Eddie growls, pushing Buck’s chest. “Some sort of game?”

Buck stumbles, hitting the truck bay wall and sliding to the floor. He can’t think, can’t speak. If he’s honest, he can barely hear Eddie through the high pitched whine filling his head.

“Well?” Eddie’s fist is curled into Buck’s shirt, pinning him against the concrete, and then a voice – angry, pissed, protective – calls out from behind him.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

Stronger, broader arms are pulling Eddie away, throwing him back towards Bobby and the rest of the old team. The Captain’s eyes are furrowed with both concern and discontent, but Buck’s focus is on the man who intervened; tanned skin and dark hair all too familiar. Those arms are pulling him into a tight hug, hand rubbing against his back, a soft sigh against his ear.

“What have you gotten yourself into, Ev?”

“Kel…” Buck croaks, hugging his brother back just as tightly. For a long moment, all his worries and what if’s disappear. For a long moment, he’s seven years old again, after his mother’s death, clinging to Kelly like he might disappear.

The rest of the 118 can only watch as the newcomer tucks Buck into his side like he’s a small child, then surveys them all with a look of absolute disdain. The sound of heavy boots turns their attention to the bay doors, where two new vehicles have parked, and to the men and women exiting them.

Chief Wallace Boden is an intimidating man to those who don’t know him, and the dark eyes that survey the 118 with nothing more than dismay send shivers down most of their spines.

Even Bobby has the wherewithal to look intimidated by the man.

“Listen up.” Boden calls out, stepping into the 118 for the first time. “We are not here to make your lives hell, or to dole out punishment for something we’ve only been told about. But let me make one thing clear. If any of you lay a hand on another member of this department, you’re gonna be out on your ass before you can even say ‘fire’.”

Boden gestures to the two crews behind him. “We are here to bring in a new era for the LAFD, and to teach you what it means to be a team, and a family. In this job, your crew should be the people you can count on, and from what I’ve heard of the 118’s recent actions, that cannot be said for most of you.” His eyes seek out Captain Nash. “I’m sure Chief Alvarez has made things clear, but I will say it again. Work with me, show me you give a damn, or don’t come back.”

Slowly, Boden approaches Nash, looking the other man up and down for a moment. “Chain of command starts with me, and I run four units on any large scale call. Squad, ladder, truck and ambo. LAFD is going to follow the same structure here at the 118.” Boden gestures to Kelly, still at Buck’s side, and to Matt Casey, who had made his way to Kelly’s side, also providing comfort to Buck. “Lieutenant Kelly Severide runs Squad. Captain Matt Casey runs Truck. I will allow you, Captain Nash, to keep run of your own Ladder.” His gaze never waivers from Nash’s. “Do not mistake this for any sort of leniency on my part towards your actions to your crew, but if we’re doing this by the new book, Captain does outrank Lieutenant.”

Then he turns away, waving a hand to dismiss Nash entirely. “My other two Lieutenants belong on Squad anyway.”

He waves forward two women, their attire immediately giving away their positions as EMT’s. Chim and Hen perk up to attention at this. “Leslie Shay is PIC on Ambo, with Sylvie Brett. Your EMT’s will be learning from them.”

Boden takes a moment to let his gaze rest on Buck, still tucked into Kelly’s side. Matt’s whispering softly to him, a fond look on his face, and Boden watches as Buck slowly comes around, expression betraying both the fear he holds at their presence, but also the obvious comfort they bring. Then he’s gazing back at the entirety of the 118.

“Any questions?”

If there were, the sound of the bells ringing drowns them out. Boden moves to the printer, reading the report with a nod. “Ambo, squad, hiker in distress.”

51 move in record time, despite being out of their comfort zone. Between murmuring about needing the alert system updated, Boden points to Hen and Chim, “Ambo,” then two other members of the 118, “Squad.”

As the four race to find their positions on the two vehicles, he looks to the rest of the 118. “I believe you all have chores to do.”

Then, to the shock of the 118, Bobby and Eddie especially, Boden turns to the now alone Buck – hands in his pockets and lowered gaze just about meeting Boden’s eyes.

“Lieutenant, you joining us on Squad, or what?”


	2. All For One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments; I really appreciate all the kindness and support! I hope you enjoy chapter two.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 911, or Chicago Fire. Also, the chapter title and lyrics at the end of the chapter are taken from the amazing song All For One by Five for Fighting, which I also don’t own.
> 
> Warnings for discussion of grief, distress, bad coping methods, and self-medication. Also, warning for swearing. Read with care.

Leslie Shay did not take kindly to the mistreatment of those she loved. When it came out that Evan was the centre of the situation they were being sent to resolve, Shay’s mama bear instincts had kicked straight into gear.

After all, Chicago wasn’t home of the bears for nothing.

Recalling the first time she’d met Kelly’s kid brother, Shay remembered the gangly nineteen year old taking to her like a fish to water.

“You remind me of my sister.” He’d said with a whistful, if sad, expression. She hadn’t asked, simply handing him a cold coke from Kelly’s fridge and asking him if he liked Chicago.

“It’s got the bears.” He’d shrugged, flicking to the sports channel. Two hours later, when Kelly arrived back, he found them screaming together at the TV, bowl of popcorn between them, foam fingers in the air. She recalled their first live game too, when Evan had been the one to notice the team mascot choking on the sidelines and had rushed to help.

Twenty minutes later the kid was off in an ambulance while Evan promised to cover the second half so the kid would still get his paycheck.

They’d called him cub for weeks.

Eventually Buck had joined 51, first on truck and then joining squad. Shay had never been prouder than when he’d passed his lieutenant’s exam.

Then Benny died, and everything unravelled so fast they could barely blink.

Shay would never forget the sight of him in that hospital bed, too small and too still.

So walking into the 118 to see Buck all but hiding in Kelly’s embrace, the older Severide glaring daggers at a latino man, Shay’s mind had gone straight to ‘protect and destroy’.

The 118 better be thankful that the bells had rang, because Shay didn’t know what she would have done otherwise.

That said, the man from the 118 riding up front with her was being treated to the iciest silence Shay had ever given anyone; including her exes.

No-one messed with her eldest kid and got away with it.

Speaking of, she thinks, tucking a small picture from her pocket into the overhead dash, Mason’s going to be thrilled to see his Buck-Buck.

“Your son?” The man raises a brow and attempts a small smile.

Shay rebukes it instantly. “Don’t talk to me.”

The man – Howard Han; she recalls reading his file – jerks a little in his seat. “I just thought – ”

“Then you thought wrong.”

“Look.” Han starts. “I get you don’t want to be here, but don’t we need to talk if we’re supposed to learn from you?”

Shay scoffs. “Actually, I do want to be here, because it means I get to be in the way of anyone who tries to hurt Evan.” She can see way Han’s eyes widen, and that makes it immediately obvious to Shay that they have no idea of Evan’s CFD past.

“You guys friends or something?”

She laughs. “We’re family. Which is more than any of you can say.” Pulling the ambulance to rest beside the Squad car, she turns to him for a brief moment. “Do you really think two crews and their Chief are gonna travel across several states just because they were asked?”

She leaves him to ponder on it, sliding from the ambulance without looking back.

The sight of Evan, pale and shaking, filled Kelly Severide with righteous anger the moment he stepped foot through the 118’s doors, and like Shay, he was glad the bells had rung when they did.

He wouldn’t have been held responsible for his actions otherwise.

Even now, watching Evan inside the Squad truck, holed up against the door like they were going to try and kick him through it, made Kelly’s heart ache. His baby brother was nothing like the man who’d risen quickly through CFD ranks, smashing records left and right.

If he was honest, Evan looked more broken than he had when he’d left Chicago.

Kelly just wondered where he’d gone wrong.

Chicago had been… messy… for the both of them, in that last year, and Kelly knows he’d fucked up. He knows he made mistakes – knows Evan paid for them – and he wishes more than anything that he could turn back the clock.

He wishes more than anything that he could get back all the lost time.

It’s not that they didn’t speak, because of course Evan hadn’t cut off the 51 completely; they were family, and they stuck together no matter what. But it had been strained, the conversations getting shorter, the length of time between them passing slower, and Kelly hadn’t known what to say to make it better.

In all honesty, he’d thought Evan was doing okay at the 118; thought he’d carved himself his own place in the world, away from the Severide name. Things had changed the past few months sure, but he’d had the accident and then it was the anniversary of Benny’s death and… Kelly just hadn’t thought anything was wrong.

If he could kick his own ass, he surely would.

_4 days ago:_

_“Kelly, Matt.” Boden had called them into his office, and neither man knew what to expect. They hadn’t had any difficult or dangerous calls lately; neither had put themselves in any sort of mortal danger. They were stumped, and so the two partners sat in quiet professionalism, fingers intertwined for support._

_The next words out of Boden’s mouth were not what Kelly had expected._

_Something along the lines of; “HR have decided you two can’t work together anymore,” maybe... but not;_

_“Buck’s in trouble.”_

_Kelly’s spine snaps immediately to attention, his grip on Matt’s hand tightening. “W-What do you mean?” He’d only spoken to his brother the previous night; surely nothing could have happened since._

_Boden sighs, and that does nothing to ease Kelly’s worries. “I got a call from an old friend at the LAFD. It seems Station 118 has taken HR matters into their own hands, and are ostracizing one of their own.”_

_“Evan.” Kelly supplies, running a hand over his face. Matt squeezes his shoulder softly, and smiles at Boden._

_“How can we help?”_

_Boden slides a file over to each of them, his own smile terse. “We’re going to LA.”_

The moment he’d left Boden’s office, he’d wanted to call. He’d wanted Evan to tell him everything. He’d wanted to beg Evan to come back to Chicago, where Kelly could watch out for him.

He’d wanted to apologise.

Yet he’d refrained.

Evan Buckley-Severide did not do anything he didn’t want to do, and Kelly knew he couldn’t make Evan come back with them.

Evan Buckley-Severide was also hard headed – part of the reason why he’d felt the need to leave Chicago in the first place; why he hadn’t understood they still loved and respected him regardless.

Boden’s plan had indeed seemed like the best option; allowing them to fix the 118 whether Buck stayed or not, while also making sure Evan felt supported and loved.

Now, Kelly wishes he’d given him a heads up at least, because the way Evan is leant against the door, posture tense but eyes downcast, tells Kelly that he doesn’t at all trust why they’re here.

He doesn’t trust that they still care, and that hurts Kelly more than he’s willing to admit.

When they arrive at the accident site, Evan’s quick to slip out of the squad truck, and by the time Kelly rounds the other side of the truck, Evan’s already pulling out and checking the equipment they’ll likely need. He knows from reading the reports Boden gave them, that the 118 have been treating Buck worse than a Candidate, and so the sight of Buck working the scene like he doesn’t belong there, rather than assessing the situation like the Lieutenant he rose to become, irks Kelly.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have time to address any of that now.

Someone needs their help.

Jogging over to the man’s friend, the person who’d dialled 911, Kelly gets a quick report about what happened, and then he’s over at the ‘slip site’, looking down on the man who needs rescuing.

Broad and in his mid 20’s, yet athletically fit, Kelly doesn’t think they’ll have trouble hoisting him up. The problem is that the man is barely conscious, and could have a neck or spinal injury. Which means they need to use the basket.

Which means someone has to go down there.

Surveying the area, Kelly can quickly see that they have nowhere stable enough to set up a winch, and nowhere strong enough to make a manual one.

So they’re going to be relying on brute strength.

It’s not the hardest save they’ve ever done, but it’s certainly not the easiest either.

His brain is working at 100 miles an hour when a quiet voice says from beside him. “Three people on counterweight should do it, but he’s gonna need someone pushing the basket from below. Nowhere to secure a harness, so it’ll have to be a free climb.”

Kelly turns to face Evan, a small smirk catching on his lips. Once a lieutenant, always a lieutenant. The next thought hits him in a flash; the ingenious solution to both their rescue and to proving to Evan that they still trust him implicitly; that he can trust them the same.

“And who’s our best climber, hm?”

Evan’s eyes bug out for a split second, voice wavering as he says. “You trust me?”

The man who’d exited Shay’s ambo cab – Han, his mind supplies – steps forward with a frown. “You do know he’s on blood thinners?”

Kelly ignores him, settling his hand on Evan’s shoulder and squeezing softly to wipe away the flinch that the other man’s words had caused. “We always have, Evan.”

The younger Severide’s gaze lands on Boden then, and while his posture is stronger – a fraction more confident – than it had been at the station, the Chief can still see the apprehension there. So he nods, smiling. “Gear up, Lieutenant.”

He’s off in a flash, and it’s the closest Kelly’s seen to how his brother used to be in a long while. He gives a thankful nod to Boden.

“Lieutenant?” Han questions, and the woman he’d come with, standing beside him, looks equally amiss.

Kelly rolls his eyes. “It’s a rank you can achieve when you’re good at your job.”

That seems to shut them up.

Buck’s back a moment later, turnout gear shucked off in exchange for black cargo pants and a light tee. His hands are covered with thick leather wraps, as are his otherwise bare feet. Jogging back to Kelly, he says. “Sev, send me the basket once I’m down, and once I’ve got him in situ we’ll start to climb.”

Kelly nods. “You got it.”

Moving back to the ‘slip site’, Buck starts to lower himself over the precipice. At the last moment, his gaze moves back to Kelly. “I can do this.” He says softly.

Kelly grins back at him. “No doubt.”

Buck nods, and then he’s slipping down over the rocks like a lizard, hands and feet finding invisible footholds. In a few short moments, he’s down on the ledge with the injured man, and they’re sending the basket down to meet him.

As the rescue takes place and with Shay and Brett prepping everything they need to treat their patient, Hen and Chim, half paying attention to the PIC and her partner, can’t help but lean into each other.

“Lieutenant?” Hen whispers conspiratorially.

Chim shrugs. “I don’t know any more than you do.”

“They clearly know each other.”

“Buck’s never been open about his past.” Chim says with a sigh. “And have we really asked him about anything lately?”

Hen looks guilty. “How much have we talked to him at all since the truck blew up?”

Shay silences them with a glare then, as the basket is pushed back over the precipice and the patient is transported onto the gurney and into their care. Yet even as they try to focus on the care taking place, both members of the 118 can’t help but watch as Buck heaves himself back onto secure ground, grinning widely.

“Not a scratch.” He says, dusting himself off and making his way back to the Squad truck. The 51 Lieutenant slaps a hand on his back with a laugh, and as they pass, both Hen and Chim clearly hear Buck’s murmur of “At least some people still believe in me.”

Their guilt only intensifies.

Matt Casey had not been impressed by the 118 upon reading the reports Boden had given to he and Kelly, but he was even less so now.

Within five minutes of them arriving, Matt had seen both ‘endangerment of another firefighter’ and ‘abuse of command’ from a fellow Captain; both by the people who Evan had once called family.

It made him sick.

So when Captain Nash says, “Lieutenant?” like he can’t believe Evan could achieve it, Matt sees red.

No-one disrespects his brother-in-law and gets away with it.

“Yes, Captain Nash.” He snaps, eyeing the elder man with nothing less than disdain. “One of the most decorated, record setting, best god-damn Lieutenants I’ve ever seen.”

Nash just blinks at him, uncomprehending. “You know him?”

Some family this is, he thinks, if they don’t know anything about where Evan came from; if they never even bothered to ask. “Evan started at 51.” He shakes his head, scoffing. “You think we all came here out of courtesy to your failing firehouse?”

“Chief Alvarez said – ”

“And Chief Boden isn’t going to take two of his best teams out of rotation simply because he was asked.” Hermann says, coming up right behind Casey. The elder firefighter laughs. “Geez, you guys have your heads so far up your asses you can’t see a damn thing.”

“Hermann.” Casey warns, because despite everything, they do need to be somewhat civil.

Hermann holds his hands up, though his grin doesn’t disappear. “I’m just sayin’.”

“We may be here to help.” Otis says, also standing beside his Captain. “But we’re also not gonna let you destroy the kid anymore than you already have.”

Mouch nods, flicking through the notebook in his hands. “As a CFD Union Representative, I have to say, you’ve committed some mighty fine infractions in the ten minutes we’ve been here.”

“So if I were you, I’d stay on our good side.” Casey finishes. “Now, I thought Boden told you all to finish chores?”

He’s glad when they scamper, and when the Squad truck rolls back in an hour later, and he sees his husband and brother-in-law laughing together – a genuine smile on Buck’s face – the tension in his chest eases.

Evan’s gonna be okay.

51 are gonna make sure of it.

With the end of the shift comes a slew of questions from the members of the 118, predominantly directed towards Squad. Kelly had half expected it, but he still has to laugh to himself; after all, they’re firefighters, not rockstars, regardless of how he himself had once acted, all those years ago.

When one of the 118 – Johnson, he thinks – who’d been with them on rescues today says, “could we pick your brains over a beer?” Kelly can’t help but smirk.

“Sorry kid. 51 only tonight.”

Then he’s directing his crew outside, and waving Evan over from where he emerges from the locker room. “Come on, cubby. Beer’s on me.”

Another member of the 118, stood beside Johnson, who’d also been questioning the Squad members, frowns. “Uh… Buck’s 118.”

Kelly can’t help but seek out Evan’s former team then, gaze dark. “Really? Some of you haven’t exactly been showing it lately.” He slings an arm around his brother’s shoulders, leading him outside. Just as they get to the door, he calls out behind them, “And he won’t be for long, if I have anything to say about it.”

Evan feels like his emotions are all over the place.

He’d slept terribly, and his anxiety had made the morning nothing short of a nightmare, culminating in being called to Bobby’s office because he’d stopped to take his meds.

Then Alvarez had dressed down the 118, and revealed that Boden was taking over. Evan’s anxiety had practically skyrocketed then.

Yet, as soon as Kelly’s arms had wrapped around him, Evan had felt such an overwhelming sense of calm, that it practically knocked him for six. The adrenaline spike he’d then felt at the rescue, plus the absolute pride that had radiated from Kelly, had blanketed any fears he’d had about Boden calling him Lieutenant in front of the others – had blanketed the judgement from Chim regarding his thinners.

For the first time in too long, Evan had felt at home.

Yet having been guided out of the 118 to Kelly’s sharp retort about Buck’s place there – being now surrounded by those he’d once called family but had turned his back to – he felt his anxiety increase exponentially.

Sat quietly between Kelly and Stella, Evan nursed his beer and tried to keep an ear on the conversation, nodding and murmuring where appropriate. But honestly, he felt so out of place.

It was like they were back at Molly’s, three years ago, except that they weren’t.

Except for the fact that things had changed so much.

Except for the fact that Evan didn’t know where he belonged anymore.

But then, sometimes, it only takes one moment to achieve clarity.

“We’ve missed you Bucky-bear.” Stella says softly, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Having been deprived of such loving gestures for so long, Evan can’t help but lean into it, more so when Stella wraps an arm around him and hugs him tight.

“I missed you all too.” He whispers, tears springing to his eyes unbidden.

“Hey.” Kelly’s worried gaze lands on him, a soft hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Buck shakes his head, forcing a smile. “I’m good.”

“Evan…”

“I…” He sighs, feeling the eyes of everyone around him now. “I just wish things weren’t so different.”

“Who says they are?” Mills asks, and Evan can’t help but smile sadly at his friend – the one he’d shared going through the academy with.

“I can’t sit here and pretend nothing’s changed.” Evan says, pushing his beer away. A part of him just wants to bolt. “I can’t sit here and pretend like I didn’t fuck everything up, and then run away.”

“You think you’re the first person to make a mess of things?” Otis asks.

“Or to think running is the best option?” Hermann adds.

Evan doesn’t get chance to respond when Matt captures his roaming gaze. “You’re human, Evan. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

“Maybe.” Evan whispers. “Or maybe I just break everything I touch.”

Kelly’s hand squeezes tighter. “The 118 are wrong, kiddo. You did everything right, okay? The fact that they can’t see their own faults, that’s on them.”

“He’s right.” Matt says, reaching across to lay his own hand atop Kelly’s. The action warms Evan more than he thought possible. “And what happened in Chicago, you came through it stronger.”

Kelly nods. “Besides, I’m the one who fucked up first.”

“Kel…” Evan shakes his head, hand scrubbing through his hair.

Kelly pulls him into his side, hugging him tight. “That’s our own conversation, bud, but know that you lost nothing. Know that we will always love you.”

“What else is family for?” Shay says, expression unwavering steel, and Evan can feel the last of his discontent melt away as he stares into her cerulean gaze.

Matt nods, lifting his glass. “To family.”

51 all toast each other, while Evan reaches out a shaky hand for his own glass. He swallows, and though it’s like raking over glass, the pain of the past few months still too raw, his smile is soft but genuine.

“To family.”

_We’ll always,_

_We’ll always be,_

_One for all and,_

_All for one._


	3. Family Matters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the lovely comments! You’re all so amazing! Also, I believe some of you want an appearance from Jay Halstead, hm??
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 911 or Chicago Fire!
> 
> Warning for discussion of self-medication, grief, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and allusion to depression. Read with care.

The loft door clangs open, a giggling Buck and much more sober Kelly stumbling through. Struggling to keep his brother upright, Kelly sighs softly. “I told you that last vodka shot was ill-advised.”

“We’re gonna blame Cruz for that one.” Matt chuckles as he walks in behind the two.

“I’m just glad he could remember his own address.” Kelly replies, settling Buck on the single chair while he sets about unfolding the sofa bed. There’s no way they’re going to get him upstairs.

“I’ll make some coffee.” Matt heads straight to the kitchen, switching on the percolator and rummaging through Buck’s fridge.

“Thanks babe.” Kelly says softly, throwing him a smile, before jogging upstairs for sheets, pillows and Buck’s pyjamas. He can’t help but stifle a laugh when he finds bright blue pyjamas covered in ducks folded neatly on Buck’s bed.

“You want to explain?” He grins at his brother as he tries to get him into them.

Buck’s eyes are glassy, but he smiles, picking at one of the ducks. “Chris gave ‘em me.”

“That’s your friend’s kid, right?” He remembers hearing the name once or twice.

Buck shakes his head, a tear staining the blue cotton darker. “Eddie’s not my friend no more.” His eyes trace the floor, still picking at the ducks. “won’t let me see Chris.”

While the night had tamed Kelly’s anger, he feels it rising to the surface once more. “Well he’s an idiot.”

“No.” Buck slumps onto the now made bed, covering his head with an arm like he’s trying to block out the world. “I screwed up.”

“Ev, we talked about this…” Kelly sits beside him, carding a hand through Buck’s hair like when he was a kid. Buck’s eyelids flutter in response, posture softening slightly, but the shards of cerulean blue Kelly can see are still dark with pain.

“I know.” Buck whispers. “But just because you forgive me doesn’t mean he will.”

“There was nothing to forgive, kiddo.” Kelly says softly. “I’m the one who screwed up.”

Buck blinks at his older brother, uncomprehending. “You were hurting.”

“And you weren’t?” Kelly counters, brow raised. “Cubby, I handled things so wrong. I never should have pushed you away, and I can’t be more sorry.”

“I never blamed you.” Evan whispers, shifting to hug him tightly. “I shouldn’t have pushed. I shouldn’t have…” He swallows, burying his head in Kelly’s shoulder. “My mistakes were my own.”

“I should have been there for you.”

“You didn’t push the pills into my hand, Kel.” Buck murmurs, the effects of the alcohol seemingly gone; voice filled with raw pain. “I was an addict, and that’s on me.”

Kelly flinches at the way Buck lays out his past problems so blatantly, but if anything, he just hugs him tighter.

“In some ways, I still am.”

The words are so quiet that Kelly strains to hear them yet when he does, he jerks back, gaze searching Buck’s. “What do you mean?”

“This job.” Buck runs a shaky hand over his face, sighing as he leans back against the sofa bed. “I let it become everything to me. I destroyed everything to get it back.”

“You fought to get it back.” Kelly’s voice is like steel. He won’t stop saying it until Evan realises that he did nothing wrong. “There’s a difference.”

“Yeah, and I fought alone.” Buck chokes back a sob. “So what’s worse?”

Kelly shakes his head. “You’re not alone, you hear me?” Pulling him back tight against his chest, he whispers. “We’re here. You are, and will always be, 51.”

The cry that tears from Buck’s throat then just about breaks Kelly’s heart.

“I love him, Kel.” Buck sobs into his shirt. “That’s the worst thing. I love him and he won’t even look at me.”

“He’s an idiot.” Kelly repeats, because he doesn’t even have to ask who Buck means. “If he can’t see what he’s losing, that’s his problem.”

Buck sniffs, opens his mouth to disagree, but then shakes his head, pulling away from Kelly to wipe furiously at his eyes. “You should get to bed. You and Matt can have the double.”

If Evan Buckley-Severide was stubborn, Kelly was worse. “Oh no.” He shakes his head, pushing Evan down and tucking the covers around him. “I’m not leaving your side.”

Matt, who’d given the brothers space but was now bringing three mugs of coffee over, grins. “Cuddle pile!” As soon as the mugs are down, he flings himself atop the both of them.

Despite everything, Buck can’t help but grin, and if Kelly places two rather secretive phone calls the next morning, no-one is any the wiser.

Chimney is exhausted by the time he gets home that evening, and he’s more than thankful when Maddie is there to greet him with a kiss and a glass of wine, even if the sight of her only feeds his guilt.

“Long day?” She asks softly, helping him over to the couch. He sinks into it like it’s made of clouds, releasing a breath and scrubbing a hand over his face.

“You could say that.”

“You want to talk about it?” She sits next to him, turned to read his expression, and frowns over the rim of her own glass. “You seem upset.”

He reluctantly faces her. “We screwed up Maddie.”

“You lost someone?”

“We might.” He admits, putting words to the thought that had roamed his mind ever since Buck left with 51.

Maddie knows him well enough by now – is Buck’s sister – to guess that there’s something more to what he’s saying. Her hand grips the glass a little tighter. “Buck?”

Chimney wants to be surprised. Instead, he just sighs. “How did you know?”

“You were avoiding my questions. It doesn’t take a genius.”

“I told you things have been a little tense…”

“And I told you that Evan only did what he thought was his only option.”

“I know.” He takes a large drink of the wine, as if to steel his nerves. “I know but… we were hurt, Maddie.”

“As was he.” She says, placing a hand on his knee and squeezing softly. She hadn’t exactly chosen a side over the whole lawsuit issue. Evan had only done what he could, she knew that, but she also knew the 118 were allowed to feel hurt by it. Buck hadn’t let her in all that much anyway, saying that he didn’t want to put her in the middle of things when she had something good with Chim. She had told him that he would always be her number one, no matter what, but he’d said that he couldn’t be – not in this.

She wishes she’d pushed more now, from the look on Chim’s face.

“I know we screwed up.” He continues, softly taking her hand and squeezing back. “We thought he was okay, until he wasn’t… and by then we literally couldn’t talk to him. He’d pushed us away.” He shakes his head, knowing those words weren’t right. That was what he – what the 118 core team – had told themselves to make it all feel better but… he knew it wasn’t true. “No… we left him behind.”

He swears, the realisation of everything suddenly threatening to crush him. “Damn it, the kid was always there when we needed him and what the hell did we do for him?”

“Howie?” Maddie’s more than a little confused now, and Chim doesn’t blame her. He hadn’t been truly up front with things after all.

“When he came back, Cap… he wasn’t ready. Honestly, I think he worries so much about Buck that he can’t… can’t remain just his Captain. So he pushed him away, and we just followed his lead, like we hadn’t missed him more than anything.”

“You what?” Maddie’s hand wrenches from his, and even though the look of absolute betrayal in her eyes hurts him deeply, he doesn’t blame her.

“I know… Like I said, we screwed up.” Chim feels close to tears now, but in all honesty he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be upset over this. They did this. They ruined what they had. They hadn’t been there for Buck like he always had been for them.

They didn’t get to play the victim now.

“What happened?” Maddie’s voice is like steel now, and it cuts through Chim like he’s made of tissue paper. So he tells her everything; the Chief, the 51, Boden, Buck at the rescue. He tells her every detail.

By the time he’s done, he looks up at her, expecting anger and hurt.

He doesn’t expect the small smile on her face, or the question “the 51 is here?” from her lips. He’s so stunned that he can’t answer, prompting a second question from Maddie of, “Is Kelly Severide with them?”

He blinks; momentarily recalls the name. “The Squad Lieutenant? Yeah. That’s who Buck left with.”

Maddie actually laughs; like an honest to god hyena howl. Chim isn’t quite sure what’s going on anymore.

“Oh boy…” She says, grinning like a maniac. “You all have the Buck protection squad on your tail now.”

“You know them?”

“I know Kelly.” She says, draining her glass and moving to stand.

“So who the hell is he?” Chim demands, feeling completely out of the loop now. He’d expected anger, hysterics – he’d expected to feel guilty as hell. He hadn’t expected secrets and laughter – or feeling even more confused.

“If you never bothered to ask Buck about his past, then I’m not gracing you with that answer.” She says, moving towards the bedroom. “You can sleep on the couch tonight.”

Chim just buries his head in the pillows and groans.

The next morning brings a whole new change in dynamic to Station 118.

For Bobby, Eddie, Hen and Chim, it’s not only weird for them to see the extra Squad vehicle parked in the truck bay, they also find it disconcerting that their whole morning routine has changed.

For the first time in years, Bobby doesn’t arrive early to complete paperwork in his office; for it isn’t his office anymore. Instead he arrived around thirty minutes before shift change to cook breakfast, only to find Buck and some of 51 already there.

The others don’t head straight upstairs to the beautiful smell of Bobby’s cooking, or into the gym. Instead they find most of the equipment taken up by 51, while the sight of Buck in the kitchen with Matt makes them wonder if they’re even welcome.

It’s like the firehouse has been turned on its head, and for the first time, each of them wonders silently if this is how Buck had felt.

“This is too weird.” Hen voices it for each of them, eyes glued to the laughing form of Evan Buckley as he flicks a spoon of something at Matt.

The Captain is grinning, and pulls the younger firefighter into a tight hug. They’re quickly joined by Kelly, who wraps up them both. Maybe it’s just her, but the sight makes Hen’s heart ache for the family they once had.

She knows they screwed up. Finding out that Buck had kept his past from them was evidence enough. Seeing the change in his behaviour after one day only hammered it home.

Things had just gotten out of control so quickly, and they’d let their hurt mask anything else.

Now part of her wonders if they can ever go back to how they were.

“Maddie knows him.” Chim says softly. “I had to tell her everything and… she said she knows him.”

“Who?” Hen raises a brow.

“The Lieutenant. Severide.”

“Which begs the question of, how does Buck know him?”

“He started at 51.” Bobby answers with a sigh. “That’s what Casey said.”

“How did we not know this?” Hen asks.

Chim sighs, remembering his words with Maddie the night before. “We never asked.”

“It doesn’t change anything.” Eddie grumbles, and if the others didn’t know any better they’d say he was green with jealousy by the way he’s glaring daggers at Buck and Kelly as they interact. “He still sued us.”

“Eddie.” Chim shakes his head, placing a hand on the other man’s shoulder. “I think he’s apologised enough, and shouldn’t we be apologising for making him think he had no choice?”

“There’s always a choice.” Eddie jerks away from Chim’s grasp, stalking into the gym without a second glance.

“I just wanted to protect him.” Bobby says, looking at the two remaining firefighter paramedics. “I thought if I kept him at arms length…”

Hen shakes her head. “Don’t you see what it did instead?”

He did, even if he didn’t quite want to admit it.

Hen’s about to speak again when a call comes from upstairs, “you joining us, or you just gonna stand there?”

They look up, confused, to find a man in a Squad 3 t-shirt leaning over the railing, looking at them. The shirt reads ‘Vargas’.

Chim blinks up at him. “Didn’t think we’d be welcome.”

Vargas guffaws. “Nonesense. Get up here.”

Reluctantly, they climb the stairs, coming face to face with a good chunk of 51.

Matt turns from the stove to offer them a small smile. “You’re supposed to be learning about being a team. Well, this team has breakfast together.”

A younger man, sat on one of the couches, raises a brow at them. “And isn’t a firehouse supposed to be a family?”

The words sting, and Bobby assumes they were meant to. Somehow, he’s pretty sure this isn’t going to be the relaxing breakfast they’re used to, and when Buck won’t even look at them, he knows he’s right.

The morning progresses slowly with no calls, meaning breakfast goes on for much longer than normal. The 51 and Buck chat with each other like old friends, while the 118 feels more and more out of the loop. Small comments are thrown around that they know are aimed at them, and it leaves the food sitting heavy in their stomachs.

If the next two weeks are going to be anything similar, they know they have their work cut out for them.

Although, Chim thinks, it’s probably nothing less than they deserve.

Then the moderate quiet is broken by the excited cry of a small child, and Buck shoots up from his seat like he’s been hit by lightning.

“Is that?” He looks towards Kelly with the biggest grin they’ve all seen in a long while.

Kelly just grins back. “Why don’t you find out?”

Buck all but races down the stairs to the truck bay, and all they can hear then is his cry of “Mason!” and the child’s excited cry in reply.

With raised brows, the members of the 118 turn to look over the balcony.

Shay is stood between the truck and ladder, smiling widely at Buck who has a small child clinging to him like a monkey. As far as they’d known, it was her day off.

Buck is spinning the child in his arms around, grin on his face growing even wider. “I’ve missed you so much, Flash.”

“I missed you too Buck-Buck!” Mason yells, hugging Buck even tighter.

Shay just laughs. “He wouldn’t go to sleep last night because he just wanted to see you.”

“Thank you.” Buck says softly to her, eyes brimming with tears.

“Anything for you.” She replies.

“Buck-Buck?” Mason pulls on Buck’s sleeve, blue eyes looking at him with love and excitement. “Can we go to the zoo on Saturday?”

Buck looks back to Shay, who nods, and then he’s grinning back at Mason, own eyes alight with excitement. “Of course we can buddy. Maybe we can even go for ice cream if Mommy says it’s okay.”

Mason squeals.

Buck laughs and sets him down, still grinning. “But for now, how about we race upstairs for some of Uncle Mattie’s pancakes?”

“PANCAKES!” Mason screams at the top of his lungs, and then he’s racing up to the balcony. Buck’s right behind him, but they can all tell he’s holding back slightly to let the kid win.

Mason rushes straight into Matt’s waiting arms, yelling “Pancakes Uncle Mattie! Pancakes!”

Buck slides to a stop behind him, faking heavy breathing. “Bested by the kid speedster!”

“That’s why I’m The Flash!” Mason laughs, squirming out of Matt’s arms to run to Kelly. “Did you see me Uncle Kelly?!” Matt just laughs and turns to make the requested pancakes.

Kelly kneels to hug Mason tight. “I sure did buddy.” Then Mason’s racing back to Buck, raising his arms to be held and hugging him tight.

“I really missed you Uncle Bucky.”

Buck sniffs, wrapping his arms around the boy. “I missed you too buddy.”

Shay had ascended slowly behind the two, and had made her way over to Kelly.

He grins at her, gaze fixed on Buck and Mason. “Thanks.”

“Anything for Evan.” She replies softly, smiling at the two herself. “It’s not been the same, him watching Mace grow up over video chats.” Then she smiles at Kelly, wry and knowing. “Who else did you call?”

Kelly looks back at her, faking innocence. “What do you mean?”

She laughs. “You said I was part one, so who’s part two?”

Kelly looks back to Evan and Mason, but grins. “I may have called a certain someone in Chicago…”

Shay’s jaw drops. “No?”

“Maybe?”

“Kelly Severide, are you playing matchmaker?” She asks him, hands on her hips, trying to stop herself from either bursting out laughing or screaming.

Kelly just shrugs, watching as Buck settles Mason down into a seat at the table, cutting up Matt’s pancakes into small pieces. His brother looks so happy and carefree, and Kelly just wishes he could stay that way. “I just want my brother to be happy.”

“You’re one of the good ones, Kelly Severide.”

“Eh, I’m just me.”

The peace, of course, doesn’t last.

Shay’s only just left with Mason when the bells sound, and Boden immediately informs them all that it’s a large scale industrial fire; all units in attendance.

As they drive to the incident, every cab is silent beside talk of the job. Boden and the lieutenants are going over possible hazards, and elements they’ll need to be aware of. Bobby informs them of any local knowledge he has, as well as putting in his own thoughts.

In the squad truck, Buck’s hand is on his headset as he reads an update from dispatch. “Chief, be advised that dispatch reports two persons reported, and another who escaped to a neighbouring roof but is now in distress.”

“Understood.” Boden reports back, and then they’re pulling up at the location and they can see the full scale of what they’re dealing with.

One of the warehouses is completely engulfed in flames, while another is on its way. The manager of the plant reports that the two missing members of his crew are – thankfully – in the building that’s only half ablaze. The problem is that’s where they keep some of their dangerous chemicals.

They can see on the neighbouring building meanwhile a young man clinging to the outer guttering. The fall isn’t so high that it would outright kill him, but it wouldn’t be good either.

“We can get the ladder up to reach him.” Eddie suggests, but Buck shakes his head, ignoring the glare it gets him.

“No it would take too long.”

Boden raises a brow at the young lieutenant. “You got a plan?” Usually he would refer to the Severide in command of squad, but he knows that Kelly knows that Buck needs this; for himself, and to prove to the 118 that he’s more than they know.

Buck nods. “March 16. The warehouse on the river bank outside city lines.”

Kelly grins. “It’ll work.”

Boden nods to both of them. “Get to it.” Turning to Matt and Bobby he says. “Truck, get inside to look for those men, but quickly and safely. Keep your eyes out for anything hazardous, and check in every five. Ladder, I want hoses on the first building. Let’s not let this spread any further.”

Squad race over to their truck, pulling on their gear and grabbing ropes and harnesses. Then they’re following Buck quickly up the fire escape. At the top, Kelly instructs Vargas and Darden to set up the winches, while he and Buck harness up. In moments, they’re scaling carefully down the roof towards the hanging man.

Inside the warehouse, Matt and Otis are quick to find the missing men, and carefully bring them out of the warehouse. Both are unconscious from smoke inhalation, but present no other injuries. Hen and Chim are quick to move forward for them, but then an explosion rocks the air, sending them all reeling and diving for cover as shrapnel litters the sky.

“All units report!”

“Ladder 121 clear!”

“Truck 81 clear!”

“Ambulance 98 clear!”

The radio crackles. “Squad 3 still on the roof, chief, but we’ve almost got him.”

Boden’s gaze lifts to the neighbouring roof where Squad are – the last men in the ‘fire zone’ – while truck and ladder work together to try and extinguish the flames; or at least prevent another explosion. He can see Kelly and Buck just reaching the man, breathing a sigh of relief when they manage to clip him onto Buck’s harness.

“Okay, we’re good!” Kelly calls.

“Bring us down!” Buck adds, and Boden can hear his elation.

Slowly the winches begin to lower them towards solid ground, but then another explosion rocks the area, sending more shrapnel flying.

Buck jerks as a piece catches his line, snapping it clean in two. He falls a foot or two before his safety line tenses, while the victim’s cry echoes towards the remaining crews.

Boden’s heart leaps in his chest. Meters away, so does Bobby’s.

“Buck.” The Captain whispers, suddenly feeling like they’re back watching the kid lying helplessly under the firetruck. Suddenly, he can’t breathe.

The two Squad members stay calm though, as they’re trained to do under pressure. Kelly shimmies across to slip a hand through Buck’s harness. Although it makes his own line a little less stable, now traversing down at an angle, it keeps his Squad member and their victim safe from the remaining shrapnel, were the safety line to snap too.

After a few – too long – moments, they’re both on the ground.

Bobby lets out a long, hard breath of relief.

Hen races forward without hesitation for the victim, leading him back to the ambulance, but then Kelly’s yell of “Ambo!” has her whipping her head back immediately.

Sylvie’s at their side in a second, catching Buck as he sways. It’s then that Hen can see blood dripping from his fingertips, and her heart catches in her chest.

Still, Buck smiles, waving off Sylvie and Kelly’s concern. “Okay, this is a scratch.” He says softly, referring to his comment at the cliffside the day before. “Thinners make it look worse, Vie.”

Sylvie is shaking her head, pressing a pressure bandage to his arm and leading him back to the Ambo. Boden had called for a second the moment they pulled up to the scene, but none of them had expected needing a third. Grabbing a few supplies from one of the Ambo’s, she passes them to Kelly. “Get him to med in the Squad truck?”

“I’m fine!” Buck complains, but they can all tell his heart isn’t quite in it. He’s starting to look a little pale.

“Buck…” Bobby steps forward, worry for the kid rising again, but Buck flinches at the sound of his voice, and the Captain takes a step back again, wounded.

Then Boden says, “You did good kid,” and damn if the beaming grin on Evan’s face doesn’t about break Bobby’s heart.


	4. Siblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the special guest star is….
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 911, Chicago Fire, or Chicago PD.
> 
> Trigger warning for discussion of mental health issues, anxiety and depression. Please read with care. If you are struggling, speak to a friend, family member, or trained medical professional. You are not alone.

Despite the intense throbbing in his arm and the weak pallor of his skin, Buck is in good spirits by the time they reach LA Med. He's grinning at Kelly, laughing as he says, "bet they already have a bed reserved for me."

"You're not staying, cub." Kelly replies, helping him out of the Squad truck and inside. "Couple a stitches, some new blood, and you'll be in your own bed in no time."

"You just wanna make fun of my pyjamas again." Buck pushes him away, walking to the reception desk on his own accord.

"Hi Jenny." He smiles softly at her.

She huffs in response. "Evan... Again?"

He laughs and holds up his bloody arm. "Had a little accident at work with some shrapnel."

"Bed three." She tells him, then reaches for a radio. "Doctor Simmons, your favourite patient is here."

Buck just grins at Kelly as he makes his way over to the all too familiar out patient bay.

"You really do come here that often?" Kelly chuckles, helping him settle and holding up his arm again to reduce the bleeding.

"He treats us like a holiday camp." A bright voice says, as the doctor comes into view. Oliver Simmons is a lithe man in his thirties, with a flash of blond hair streaked with red. He looks nothing like you'd imagine a doctor to be and yet Evan knows he wouldn't have gotten his job back without him.

"Hey Ollie." Buck grins back at him, then gestures to Kelly with his uninjured arm. "Meet my older brother."

"Kelly Severide." The elder offers his hand, shaking the doctor's firmly.

"Brother?" Oliver raises a brow but takes the hand regardless. "I thought you said he was in Chicago."

Buck shrugs, suddenly solemn. "Meds weren't helping me too much. Kelly's here for support."

Oliver nods, squeezing Bucks elbow as he takes his blood pressure. "We'll up your dosage a little."

"Okay Evan. Your pressure's okay so I'm gonna give you some general anesthesia for the pain and get your stitched up, okay? Two hours for a transfusion and then I'll have you discharged. Sound good?"

"Sounds good, doc."

He sets about fixing Evan up, and for about half an hour the area is silent. Kelly is watching his brother fondly, yet etched with worry. He'd heard the comment about the meds and wondered what his brother still wasn't telling him.

Once the transfusion is set up, Oliver gives Buck one last friendly squeeze and a smile, and then he's bustling off to his next patient, leaving the two brothers alone.

Immediately, Buck sighs. "Anxiety and depression meds."

Kelly's gaze bores into him, questioning.

"I can feel you thinking." Buck forces a smile. "I think it's pretty obvious I've not been thinking on the bright side of things for a while."

Kelly swallows. "But you're okay?"

“I’m okay.”

"I should have been here."

Buck squeezes his hand. "You're here now."

Kelly opens his mouth to say something more, but they’re distracted by a sudden bustle outside the curtain. Then the blue cotton flings open, revealing a worried looking Maddie Buckley.

“You need to stop scaring me like this.” She tells Evan with a small smile, at least a little relieved to see him awake and alert. Placing a pot of jello and a cookie in front of him, she leans over to kiss his forehead. “Danger magnet.”

Buck splutters to retort, but Kelly silences him with a wry look before the elder Severide is moving to wrap Maddie in a tight hug. “Hey little sister.”

Maddie grins, hugging him tightly. “Hey big brother.”

Buck’s still blinking at Maddie. “How did you…?”

She turns in Kelly’s embrace, raising a brow at the youngest of the siblings. “I’m still your emergency contact, Evan. Also, Howie called me.”

The mention of his old team-mate has Buck shrinking back into the bed. “Didn’t think he cared.” He mumbles, picking at the sheets.

“Evan…” Maddie takes a seat beside him, picking up the hand of his uninjured arm and caressing it with her thumb. “He told me everything, last night. Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?”

“Wasn’t your fight…” He can’t meet her gaze. Deep down, he knows she would have backed him up implicitly, but he couldn’t do that to her; not after everything with Doug.

Not when Chimney made her so happy.

“Of course it was.” She counters, steely and determined. “When are you going to learn that you don’t fight things alone?”

He’s reminded distinctly of the words he’d uttered during the lawsuit, that he’d pretty much repeated to Kelly;

_‘I’m alone in this fight’_

Had he really needed to be? Or had he not wanted to chance anyone else walking away from him?

For the second time in as many days, he wonders again whether he even needed to leave Chicago when he did.

She smiles softly at him. “Wasn’t it you who once said that help is only around the corner, if you just ask?”

The memories of helping Bobby through his relapse hit Evan like a truck. The 118 team hadn’t known why he’d known exactly what to say to Bobby at the time; hadn’t known why he was so determined to help their Captain beyond the familial bond they had shared. Now, he knows he needs the same in kind.

Swallowing thickly, Buck looks between his two siblings, and nods. “Help.”

Maddie hugs him tight, joined quickly by Kelly.

“We’re gonna get you through this, Ev. No matter what.”

“We promise, cubby.”  
  


Oliver returns an hour later with Evan’s updated prescription, and the two siblings excuse themselves while doctor and patient chat privately.

Sitting in the cafeteria, nursing thick, lukewarm coffee, they catch up between themselves. Inevitably though, the conversation leans back towards Evan.

“After everything Howard told me… I don’t know if LA is the best place for him anymore.”

“I agree, Mads, but…” Kelly sighs. “Is leaving everything behind really going to be what’s best for him?”

“He did once.”

“And did it help?”

She doesn’t know how to answer that. She knows from what the others have told her that he was much of a playboy when he first moved to LA, and that he hasn’t really had a serious relationship other than Abby. Even then, she was nothing compared to who he’d left in Chicago.

“So what do we do?”

“We be there for him.” Kelly says, draining his cup and moving to stand. “We make sure he knows he’s not alone.”

“And the Eddie thing?” Because Maddie would have to be dumb and blind to not see how Evan felt about him. Kelly had obviously known since the pyjama incident too.

The eldest sibling gives her a wry grin. “I may have made a call.”

Once Oliver had left the cubicle, Evan had settled back to rest while the last of the transfusion entered his body. He was feeling moderately better now than he had at the scene, but most of that he attributed to his conversation with Kelly and Maddie.

For all he’d tried to do this alone, it warmed him thoroughly to know that he did have people in his corner.

No matter what happened now, he knew he wasn’t alone anymore.

The sound of the curtain rustling had him blinking his eyes back open, words dying on his lips as he sees Hen stood there, looking mildly uncomfortable.

Buck shifts, frowning softly. “Um… Hi?”

Hen sighs, taking a few small steps towards the bed. “I just wanted to check up on you.”

“Oh…” It’s sad that he doesn’t know what to say to that. “I’m okay.”

“Look…” She starts, but Buck shakes his head. He doesn’t need this. Not now.

“Don’t.” The word is choked, filled with emotion, and he has to turn his head away to blink back tears. “Please.”

“Buckaroo…”

“No.” He can’t move much with the IV in his arm, so he just leans back, closing his eyes again. “Please go.”

“Buck…” He can hear Hen’s voice is thick with her own emotions, but he doesn’t have the space to deal with anyone else right now; certainly not anyone from the 118.

“He told you to go.”

He’s never been so glad to hear Kelly’s voice. Even with his eyes closed he can hear the protectiveness in his elder brother’s voice; can feel the hand that settles warmly on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Hen whispers, and then the rustle of cotton again indicates her absence.

Reluctantly, Buck opens his eyes again, blinking away the sudden moisture. “Thanks…” He croaks.

Kelly just squeezes his shoulder tight. “Anytime.”

It’s early evening by the time Kelly gets Evan back to the loft, and they’re immediately met by Shay and Mason.

Shay is holding a back of Chinese take out food – Buck’s favourite, Kelly no doubt guesses – while Mason has a box of lego in hand.

“Just what I needed.” Buck grins when he sees them, wrapping an arm around Shay and then kneeling to hug Mason. “Two of my favourite people.”

“Sweet and sour and a movie?” Shay grins in reply, holding up the bag.

“And lego!” Mason yells.

Buck laughs as Kelly opens the door and then helps him inside; his legs still a little wobbly from the blood loss. “Those too.”

They settle Buck on the couch with Mason beside him, and then Shay’s quick to grab plates and bowls from the kitchen while Kelly heads upstairs for a multitude of blankets and pillows.

When they’re finally settled, Buck is smiling widely. “What did I do to deserve you guys?”

“Nothing.” Shay answers solemnly, kissing his cheek. “Family doesn’t come with conditions.”

The meaning hits home, but for the first time since the 51 had arrived in Chicago, it doesn’t make Buck sad for what he’s lost. Instead, it makes him happy for what he still has, and now knows he’ll never lose.

Tearing up for the third time that day, he whispers. “I’m sorry I left.”

Shay just smiles. “You can always come back.”

The look Kelly gives him is indecipherable, and Buck feels his throat dry up. He can’t answer that, not yet, but there’s a part of him that wants to agree instantly, and it scares him more than he’d like to admit.

He ran away once and it changed nothing.

Would running again do anything?

Instead he just settles back into the couch, pulling the duvet up to his chin. “Love you.”

“Love you too, cub.” Kelly whispers, pressing a kiss to his head.

They’re half way through the movie when there’s a knock at the door, and Buck quickly slips out from under the covers, careful not to disturb the now asleep Mason. “Must be Maddie.”

He’s not at all prepared to open the door and come face to face with Athena.

He shifts from foot to foot, unsure what to say really. “Uh… Hey, Athena.” There’s no bad blood between them necessarily, but she is Bobby’s wife, and the last two times he saw her were when he’d stormed out of dinner, and when he’d served Bobby with the papers. It doesn’t exactly make things easy.

“Hey, Buck.” She smiles softly at him. “Bobby mentioned you got a little banged up, so I thought I’d bring you some of my apple pie.”

As much as he wants to stay civil, he can’t help but scoff at the choice of words. “I’m sure he said something more than that.”

Athena sighs, even as Buck lets her into the loft. “He only wants what’s best for you.” She stops upon spotting Shay and Kelly. “I didn’t realise you had company.”

“Yeah. Kelly, Shay, and my godson, Mason. Guys, this is Athena Grant-Nash”

“Godson?” Athena raises a brow, but smiles.

“They’re visiting from Chicago.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you all.” She smiles over at Kelly and Shay. “I’m glad Buckaroo’s got someone else watching out for him.”

Kelly’s expression is far from warm. “I think we’re the only people who watch out for him.”

The words hit Athena like a knife, kind expression melting away. “Excuse me?”

“I mean, I’m only going off your surname, but unless you were completely unaware of how your husband has been treated Evan, I don’t think you have any claim to say you’re looking out for him.” Kelly snaps, moving in front of Evan, as if to protect him.

“Kel…” Evan tries to calm him, but the elder Severide won’t be swayed.

“That firehouse practically tore him apart, and you’re saying Nash had his best interests at heart?” Kelly continues, eyes burning like hot lava.

“We’ve talked.” Athena says. “And he only ever wanted to protect Buck. He’s just sorry the way he went about it.”

“That’s not his job!”

Three pairs of eyes turn to stare at Evan, whose face is red and contorted with fury. “If he cared about me at all, then why didn’t he just talk to me?!” Evan shakes his head, stepping back from Kelly and Athena. “Why the hell doesn’t he talk to me now, instead of leaving you to be the messenger?”

“Buck…” Athena tries to step forward, but Evan’s hand shoots out to stop her.

“No… Just… No…” He rubs furiously at his face, trying desperately to keep his emotions under control, but he just can’t stop shaking. “I can’t take the games and the lies anymore. I can’t…”

Kelly slips over to his side, pulling him into a hug. “It’s okay, Evan. You’re okay.”

Buck shakes his head, burying his face in Kelly’s shoulder. “Too much… Too much…”

Shay looks over at Athena, venomous gaze rivalling the cop’s own. “You need to leave.”

Only when the door clicks softly shut does Evan allow his legs to finally give out on him, sinking to the floor. “They never cared before.” He croaks, wrapping his arms around himself. “Why now?”

Neither Kelly or Shay can give him an answer, and it takes several hours before Evan manages to fall asleep.

As sunlight streams through the window, waking Buck from a restless slumber, the first thing he becomes aware of is the rustling and shifting beside his bed. Eyes blinking slowly open, he greets the sight of Maddie with a frown and a confused, “wha’ time’s it?”

Maddie chuckles, brushing lengthy strands of hair from his eyes. “It’s almost seven, Ev.”

“Mmph…” Buck grunts, turning over. “Not work ‘til ten.”

“Nope.” She agrees, but pushes the covers from him despite his protests. “But you’ve got a hungry godson who wants his Uncle Buck’s waffles.”

That has Buck blinking his eyes open fully, rubbing the crusty dregs away. “’kay… ‘m comin’.”

Slipping out from the bed, he stretches, takes his morning pills, and then looks at his sister.

“Why are you here so early?”

Maddie is half sticking out from his closet, and Evan has no idea what she’s trying to do.

“Because I wanted to remind you of something.” She says in response, and he can only assume Kelly told her about Athena’s visit.

Deciding to humor her, he comes to stand beside her, frowning at the mess she’s made in searching through his stuff. “And that is?”

“Evan Severide.” She responds, turning to him and shoving a box into his hands. Leading him to the edge of the bed, she pulls out the first thing.

He knows exactly what she’s doing – after all, he put the box there himself – but he also knows she’s trying to help, so he just smiles fondly at the picture in his hands. “I look like such a dork.”

The mahogany frame encases his first ever CFD photo call. Twenty one year old Evan, just shy of graduating the academy – top of his class – smiles softly at the camera, all decked out in his royal blues and dress whites.

The photo had once made him proud. Then it had made him sad.

Now, he didn’t feel much of anything, and that spoke volumes to how much he’d suffered for his career as of late.

She hands him the next photo, and a genuine smile graces his lips as he looks at the candid photo of 51. It was Shay’s baby shower, and they’re all mid laugh – he vaguely remembers Kelly and Matt acting like fools with some gifted stuffed animals, making them talk in silly voices – but it’s so beautifully real that it draws feelings out of Buck that he hasn’t had in a while.

More memorabilia follows;

His Lieutenant’s certificate.

News clippings of various rescues he’d attended, detailing the lives saved and the brave, heroic work of the CFD.

So many pictures of him with the 51 family.

Him with Shay in the hospital, just after Mason was born.

By the time she’s done, his face is red and blotchy with yet more tears. Looking up at his sister, he says one word: “Why?”

She smiles, tossing a t-shirt at him. “Because I think it’s time you stopped hiding who you are.”

Kelly has never felt prouder than when Evan steps into the firehouse beside him, back straight and head held high. His brother is exuding confidence once more, and Kelly can only hope that everything Maddie said to him – what they’ve all said to him – will stick for good.

He wants his little brother to be happy. Nothing more. Nothing less.

He hopes this is the beginning.

Evan immediately embraces several Squad members, joking around and laughing, before jogging upstairs to the kitchen to make coffee. Kelly slips onto one of the couches by the kitchen, smiling as he watches his brother whistle his way around his morning routine.

Fruit, eggs and other breakfast/lunch items are pulled from the fridge as Buck sets about making a sort of brunch for everyone. Even after the scene at the hospital, he smiles and waves at Hen as she comes upstairs, offering her a coffee and asking her how she wants her eggs.

Kelly can tell that the firefighter-paramedic is surprised, but is glad when she smiles and offers to help.

No-one ever said this was going to be a quick fix, and Kelly doesn’t doubt there’s still some bumps ahead, but for now he’s thankful that Buck not only seems to be doing better but has, in some ways at least, made peace with his past.

There’s still a clear frost to the air when Bobby appears, but Buck gestures at the drinks and food nonetheless with a small, if tense, smile.

Nash inclines his head in return as he takes a mug of coffee, and Kelly supposes it will do for now. Lord knows he needs to lock them in a room to talk at some point though. It’s no secret he’d rather just take Evan back to Chicago, but he’d rather make things right here if Evan preferred.

The problem starts when Diaz shows up, brows furrowing as he takes in the shirt that Buck’s wearing; CFD blue with Squad 3 and the name ‘Severide’ emblazoned on it.

“What?” Eddie scoffs, looking between Evan and Kelly. “You wearing his clothes now?”

If Kelly could smack the man without getting reprimanded, he surely would then.

“No.” Evan turns to face Eddie, and Kelly’s proud to see him not backing down. If anything, Evan is smirking. “It’s mine.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Last I checked, Buckley doesn’t start with S.”

“Last I checked, you only cared about what I did for you.” Buck retorts, fist clenched at his side. “You never bothered to ask anything about me.”

“That’s not true.”

“Is it?” Buck snaps back, shaking his head and turning back to the second batch of eggs. “So you didn’t just turf me out of bed one morning and drop your kid off because you thought it would help **me** , right?” He laughs darkly. “No, of course not. You asked how I was doing first. You were sympathetic and caring and… oh wait, I think I recall – ‘your life isn’t over just because you’re not a firefighter anymore’. Yep, your sympathy was dialled up right to a hundred there, Eddie.”

“I told you what you needed to hear!” Eddie yells, stalking to Buck’s side. He’s too close for comfort though, and Kelly immediately moves to intervene.

“What I needed was for my friend to have my back!”

“Yet you turned on us the moment things didn’t go your way!” Eddie’s fist slams hard down on the countertop, making both Buck and Kelly jump. In a second Kelly is right in Eddie’s face, towering over the other man.

“You even think about laying one finger on my brother and I swear to god you will be out on your ass before you can even blink.” He growls, teeth clenches and posture betraying his readiness to pounce.

Seconds pass.

No-one moves.

Hen’s whisper of “brother?” breaks the silence.

Tension ripples between every occupant in the house.

Then the sound of new footsteps brings them all to attention, several pairs of eyes turning to the bay doors.

A man stands there, auburn hair and blue eyes, smiling widely. "Hi, I'm looking for Evan Severide?"

Buck's jaw drops, heart thumping wildly as he takes in the man he hadn't seen in almost three years. Then his gaze lands on the platinum ring hanging from a chain around the man's neck, and he almost hits the floor.

"Jay..."


	5. All We Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot describe how overwhelmed and happy I was to see over twenty comments on the last chapter when I woke up this morning. Thank you all so much! You’re all literally driving me to write every day, and I love it!  
> Also, if you fancy reading someone else’s take on the beloved Severide Bros, check out save me from my misery by IDK34; it’s fantastic! Baby Sev always :D
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 911, Chicago Fire, or Chicago PD. I also don’t own All We Do by Oh Wonder, for which the title of this chapter and the opening lyrics are taken from.
> 
> Trigger warnings for mentions of substance abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and depression. Please read with care. Also, warning for swearing.

_All we do is,_

_All we do is hide away,_

_All we do is,_

_All we do is chase the day,_

_All I did was fail today._

Jay Halstead had been more than shocked to hear from Kelly Severide a few days earlier.

There was a time when they had been as close as brothers; stemming not just from their work together when Kelly was in CFI, but from Jay’s involvement with Kelly’s younger brother, Evan.

With Shay, the four of them had been pretty much inseparable, but then Benny had died and everything had changed so fast that Jay hadn’t quite known which way was up.

Evan had left Chicago a few months after, and Kelly had pulled away from Jay – whether it was the memories or out of loyalty though, he didn’t think either really knew.

He’d managed, despite nursing a broken heart, but things had never really been the same since.

Chicago had never quite felt like home again.

Still, three years hadn’t changed him much, nor had the time ever really removed Evan Buckley-Severide from his heart. Jay knew he would always love the man who had stolen his heart so thoroughly. So when Kelly had called and explained that Evan was in trouble – that Jay was needed in LA – how could he really say no?

It had taken him a few days to get the leave granted, and to book a flight and get over there, but now staring at the man who still made him feel like a giddy teenager, Jay questioned whether anything had ever changed at all.

Three years seemed to melt away in the blink of an eye, and all Jay wanted to do was kiss Evan silly and never let him go.

Yet he refrains upon seeing the wariness in Evan’s gaze.

Kelly must not have mentioned he was coming then.

Instead Jay settles for a broad smile, letting one hand come up to tease the ring that has sat in the hollow of his neck ever since that night. “Hey tiger.”

Judging from the blush that immediately rises to Evan’s cheeks, Jay’s pretty sure he’s not the only one still burning a candle for the other. It gives him – not hope, because the fact still remained that had a lot of time had passed between them, and that they still had so much left unsaid – but something akin to serenity maybe.

It reminds him that he wasn’t the only one left with a broken heart.

It proves that there’s still something between them, even if they might only be halfway salvageable.

It proves Jay needs to be there.

Evan swallows visibly, feet edging slowly to the top of the metal staircase, and then down one at a time. Every movement is purposeful, tempered, unsure. “What are you doing here?”

“What?” Jay lets his hand drop, still grinning, as he starts to cross the gap between them. “I can’t visit my favourite Severide?”

At the very least, Evan chuckles. “Don’t let Kelly hear you say that.”

“He always knew I played favourites.”

Evan sombers, taking the final step towards him. “Jay…”

“Kelly called.” Jay admits, reaching out to take one of Evan’s hands. He lets his thumb drag lazy circles across the calloused skin. “Here I am.”

“Here you are.” Evan murmurs, lids slipping shut as anguish crosses over his face. “Why?”

“Why not?” The other man counters, letting his other hand reach out to cup Evan’s cheek.

“Don’t.” Evan croaks, stepping away from both touches. “I can’t…”

“Evan…” Jay sighs softly. “I forgave you a long time ago. I forgave you before you even left. So don’t push me away just because you haven’t forgiven yourself.”

“How can I?”

“You were hurting.”

“I fucked up. There’s a difference.”

Jay steps closer once more, reaching out for Evan’s hand again. This time, he won’t let go. “You give everyone around you so many chances. You forgive people for so much more. Yet you never forgive yourself for being human.”

Tears track down Evan’s cheeks, and he shakes his head, trying again to pull away from the heated touch. “I don’t… I don’t deserve it.” He looks up through clumped lashes, pained gaze cutting through Jay like a knife. “I never deserved you.”

“Not true.” Jay pulls him closer, holding him tight. For the first time in three years, the world feels right again. “You deserve so much more. You deserve everything.”

“Jay…”

The officer leans forward, pressing his lips to Evan’s. It’s short and chaste, nothing more than a message – a promise – but it’s enough for now.

Evan sighs into the touch for the briefest of moment, before he jerks away. His gaze flits around the room like a lion’s prey searching for safety. He glimpses the rest of the 118 and 51 briefly – expressions a mix of shock and delight – and then he’s bolting out of the truck bay towards the safety of the bathroom.

Hen blinks away from the scene of Jay staring longingly after Evan, looking up at the closest member of 51. “Brother?” She repeats.

Vargas grins back at her. “What? You think they were married or something?”

“Casey’s the one under Severide’s heel.” Hermann laughs, earning a slap on the back of the head from his Captain.

“Three and a half years Hermann, and you’re still making that joke?” Matt grouses.

Kelly would have pulled Matt into his arms at that point, maybe even made a show of kissing him, but his gaze is laser focused on the door Evan just bolted through. “He’s just jealous.” He murmurs, before slipping away from the group and after Evan.

Matt sighs, watching after him, and then turns to Hen. “Kelly’s always been protective of Evan. When he heard what was happening here, I had to talk him out of ripping you all a new one.”

“We screwed up.” Hen admits. “Most of us realise that now.” She directs the last part of the comment towards Eddie, who’s pointedly not looking anywhere near the truck bay, fists clenched. “I just hope we can make it right.”

“I’d say you’re hard pressed to get by Kelly, but…” Matt sighs, looking back towards where the brothers had gone. “It’s really up to Evan.”

“We all wanted him back.” She tells him. “But sometimes he doesn’t think before he acts. We were worried, and right so. But Cap shouldn’t have stood in his way, and we shouldn’t have stood behind him.” A sigh escapes her lips, rubbing a hand over her eyes. “I love that kid like my little brother. Seeing him pinned like he was, collapse… I just want to see him safe.”

“You’re telling the wrong person, Wilson.” Matt places a soft hand on her shoulder. “You need to tell Evan that.”

She nods firmly, giving him a small smile. “I’ll do that.”

“We both will.” Chim says, coming to stand beside Hen. “I thought we’d stood by him, thought he knew we cared but… I realised that I don’t think he does. I think he feels like we left him behind.” Chim shakes his head, looking to Hen. “We did.”

“We’ll make it right.” Hen says to her partner, expression firm and unwavering. “We will.”

“Maybe give it a day?” Matt suggests, frowning when he sees Kelly bolt out from the bathroom and grab hold of the still silent Jay, pulling him back with him. “I think he’s got enough on his plate right now.”

Hen watches Kelly’s movements also, a frown marring her own expression. “Who is he?”

“Jay Halstead.” Otis says to them. “Chicago PD. He and Buck…”

“He was Evan’s everything…” Matt sighs. “We don’t really know what happened after…” He shakes his head. “It’s Evan’s story to tell.”

“So he just comes here now and… what?” Eddie’s expression is the picture of jealousy, even if he’d be the last person to admit it. Matt has the distinct feeling looking at him that Kelly may have had a hand in Jay’s appearance.

“Shay!” The man in question pops his head out of the door downstairs, waving the PIC down. She chances a look at Matt and then slips down the stairs.

Matt looks to Eddie, brow raised. “That’s up to Evan.”

Evan’s breaths are nothing more than short, sharp bursts. His chest aches something fiercely, tears burning behind his eyelids. For all the confidence he’d exuded that morning, for all the ferocity he’d directed at Eddie, now he feels as small as anything.

Panting harshly, he slips down the bathroom wall, head in his hands.

The door clangs open, but he can’t even lift his head to look. Every atom of focus is simply on trying to keep breathing.

“Cubby?” Kelly’s voice is somewhat of a balm, and yet Evan knows his brother had more of a hand in this than even Jay knows. Kelly has always been a guiding hand in Evan’s life, even when he didn’t want it.

He’s the one who introduced the two in the first place.

“Why did you bring him here?” Evan croaks, shaking with the struggle to draw air.

Kelly slips down beside him, wrapping an arm around his brother and whispering soft assurances. Eventually Evan’s panic calms enough for him to breathe a little easier.

Hiccuping softly, he repeats the question. “Why did you bring him here?”

Kelly sighs, brushing back the sweaty hair from Evan’s face. “I thought he could help.”

“How?” Evan demands, tears eyes betraying slight fury. “How could bringing him here do anything other than dredge up even more of the shit I did in Chicago?”

“You loved him once.”

Evan laughs darkly. “I never stopped.”

“I thought…”

“This has nothing to do with Eddie.” Evan replies. As soon as he caught that first glimpse of Jay, beyond shock and incomprehension he knew it was his brother who had stacked the board for him; had done the only thing he could think of after Evan had practically broken down about Eddie that first night. With a small, tired sigh, he looks up at his brother. “I never told you why I called the engagement off...”

“Ev…”

Evan’s gaze doesn’t waver, eyes darkening with the haze of memory. “Remember the day of dad's funeral?”

Kelly nods. How could he ever forget?

“I came back to the flat, got high. In my haze I... I thought it'd be a good idea to go out. I got into a fight with this guy, can't even remember what it was about. Next thing I know the police are called, and guess who shows up?”

The elder doesn’t have to guess. The answer is clear in the way Evan’s breathing hitches again, voice cracking.

“My own fiancé had to arrest me. If it weren't for Boden and Voight...” Evan shakes his head, wiping at the tears that stain his cheeks. “Do you have any idea what that does to a relationship? What that did to me?” His gaze bores into Kelly. “How could he still want to marry me after that?”

“He loves you.” Kelly says simply.

“I know. But it’s not enough.”

“Who says so?”

“I’m trying, Kel… I am but… I was right when I said that I break everything I touch, and that night…” He swallows thickly, choking back a sob. “That night I broke Jay. I broke us, and what we had. There wasn’t anything left to fix.”

“He doesn’t believe that.”

“He was always the optimist between us.”

“You deserve to be happy, Evan.” Kelly says, rubbing circles on his back. “Why don’t you just talk to him? Maybe you could – ”

“What?” Evan looks at his brother with disbelief, panic making his chest heave once more. “Tell him how sorry I am that I fucked it all up? Make him think we can still work? Let him take me back to Chicago and pretend like nothing ever happened? What Kelly?! What do I do with this now?!”

“You could try!”

“I can’t… I… Please, make him go.” Evan buries his head back into his arms, gasping breaths racking his body. “Please, please… I can’t…”

Kelly frowns, pressing himself closer to his baby brother’s shaking form. “Evan? You need to breathe.”

“Can’t…” Evan gasps, shaking harder. “Can’t… br…” Several gasps cut off anything more, and then he falls limp against Kelly.

“Shit!” Panic grasps Kelly as he lays his brother carefully on his side, then bolts back out to the truck bay, grabbing Jay without a word. Pulling him back into the bathroom, words tumble from his lips without thought.

“He passed out… I… fuck, I thought I was doing the right thing bringing you here but…” He shakes his head, kneeling to brush Evan’s hair again with his palm. “What the hell happened between you two?”

“He didn’t tell you?” Jay questions, kneeling on the other side of Evan and checking his pulse and airway, then sitting back with a soft sigh and squeezing the unconscious man’s hand.

“Just now, but…”

“He wouldn’t forgive himself.” Jay says simply, before resting a hand on Evan’s cheek to try and tap him awake. “Come on, Ev…”

“He’s always held himself higher than how he holds everyone else.” Kelly sighs.

“That’s what I said.” Jay shakes his head, looking to the elder Severide. “I’m not going anywhere, Kelly. He needs me, even if he won’t admit it. Even if it’s only so he can forgive himself and move on.”

“And what about you?”

“I just want him happy.” Jay admits, and Kelly knows it’s something they can both agree on, even if his heart aches for his old friend.

“You make him happy.”

“I did.”

Kelly shrugs. “You can do again.”

Jay looks back to Evan, tapping his cheek again and whispering softly, but the younger Severide doesn’t twitch.

Kelly sighs, leaning back on his heels. “We’re gonna need smelling salts or something.”

“I’ll get Shay.”

When Evan comes to, he finds himself face to face with the trio. Shay is sat closest to him, holding a tub of something awful – no doubt the smell that woke him. Kelly is watching him worriedly from his position against the wall. Jay is knelt at his feet, also watching him worriedly.

“’m fine.” Evan mumbles. “Sorry.” He avoids each of their gazes.

Kelly sighs. “I pushed, and I shouldn’t have.”

“You always love making me talk ‘bout m’ feelings.” Evan says softly; the briefest smile twitching his lips.

“I still think you should.” The elder replies, looking pointedly between his brother and Jay.

Shay looks at Kelly with something akin to annoyance, or disbelief, but allows herself to be pulled from the room by him; leaving the two ex-lovers alone.

“Evan…” Jay shifts to where Shay had been sat, gently tilting the younger’s head up. “I’ll go if you really want me to, but… I don’t think you do.”

Evan doesn’t answer, trying pointedly not to look Jay in the eye.

“What are you really worried about?” Jay asks softly, giving Evan a small smile. “It’s only me.”

“Only you.” Evan chuckles softly. “You know you’re so much more than that.”

“Only if you want me to be.”

The admission jerks Evan’s gaze to him, confusion clear in those bright blue eyes. “What?”

Jay catches his hand, squeezing softly. “I’m here because I care about you Evan. Not out of some twisted notion of loyalty or some dream where I take you back home. I’m here because I want you to be okay.”

“I don’t think I’ve been okay since that night.” Evan admits.

“And I told you I forgave you then.” Jay smiles, reaching up to brush a stray lock of hair. “Still do now.”

“I don’t know what to say… what I can do…” Evan turns his wrist, taking Jay’s hand in his own. “I don’t know what you want.”

“I never wanted anything other than you.” Jay slots their fingers together with ease, smile brightening a little more. “But for now… why don’t we just take it one day at a time?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not expecting you to come back with me, Evan.” Jay says, and the admission shocks the younger man. He’d pretty much expected the opposite from both Jay and Kelly. “I’m not expecting anything that you’re not willing to give. Like I said, I just want you to be okay.”

“One day at a time?”

“Nothing more. Nothing less.” Pulling the other man close, Jay hugs him tightly. “I’ve missed you, so damn much.”

“I missed you too.” Evan chokes, allowing himself to relax into the familiar, warm embrace.

Jay presses a kiss to the crown of his head. “I think you need some time and… I’m sure you need to get back to your shift but… think it over?” Slipping away from the other man, albeit reluctantly, Jay moves away to the door. “When you know what you want, I’ll be at the Hilton. 287.”

Then he’s gone, and Evan is left with more questions than answers.

It takes another five minutes or so before Evan feels ready to leave the bathroom, shaky legs carrying him back into the truck bay. Almost immediately, Boden appears, concern in the Chief’s eyes.

“You okay, kid?”

Evan bites his lip, shrugging softly. “Honestly? I don’t know.”

“You want some advice?” Boden asks, and Evan knows from experience how insightful the Chief’s advice actually is; how it was this man who helped him through the dark period of his life.

So he nods, giving the Chief a soft smile. “More than anything.”

Boden smiles in response, clasping the younger man on the shoulder. “You’re a brilliant and thoughtful young man, Evan Severide, but sometimes you put unnecessary pressure on yourself. You hold yourself to such a standard that when you fall, you let it crush you. What you need to do is take a step back from all of this,” he waves his hand around the firehouse, “and all of them,” he gestures to the balcony, where several members are pointedly pretending that they’re not overhearing, “and ask yourself one thing.”

Looking the younger man in the eye, Boden says each word carefully; and the weight of them lands directly in Evan’s heart.

“What do you want?”


	6. Dreams and Make Believers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for the ‘Bay’ fans. I would have posted this last night, but I was super tired after work and really wanted to make sure the dialogue and characterization was on point. This is such a crucial chapter for later elements, so I hope you all enjoy it :D
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 911, Chicago Fire, or Chicago PD.
> 
> Trigger warning for lots and lots of emotions, and mentions of depression. Read with care.

It’s over a day later, on Buck’s day off, when Maddie drops by the loft. She’d meant every word when she and Kelly had said that they would get Evan through this, and that started with making sure he didn’t spend too much of his time alone.

She was sure Kelly had a much more complex plan for helping their brother, no doubt related to fixing the 118, but Maddie’s ideas revolved more around getting her brother out of the house and enjoying life.

They revolved around making him happy.

So when her knock at the door receives no answer – not even the sound of scuffling or movement – her worry slithers to the surface. Slipping the spare key in the lock, she lets herself inside and sets about searching for her brother.

She doesn’t expect to find him sat on the windowsill beside the kitchen, looking out at the cityscape.

“Evan?” She prods gently, moving slowly to his side and resting a hand on his shoulder.

Evan blinks up at her. “Maddie?”

She hates that her first instinct is to check his pupils, to make sure that he’s okay-okay, but having both a nurse’s instinct and a sister’s instinct will always win out.

Thankfully his pupils are steady and even – his reaction isn’t sluggish – and he just seems to be more in deep thought than anything else.

“Hey.” She smiles softly, satisfied. “You okay?”

Evan blinks again, then looks back out towards the city. “You ever look back and wonder when was the last day you felt normal? The last day when everything was okay?”

“I used to.” She sits beside him, wrapping a loose arm around his shoulders. “You wanna talk about it?”

He sighs. “Jay’s here.”

She’d had a slight suspicion when Kelly had mentioned calling someone, but she hadn’t known for sure. “And that’s a bad thing?”

“No… I…” He swallows reflexively. “I don’t think so.”

“So?”

“I don’t know what to do.” He admits, leaning into her embrace. “When Kelly first arrived and… and everything came out… there was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to run back to Chicago. Now that Jay’s here… that part of me feels even bigger.”

“Is he asking you to go back to Chicago?”

“No.”

Maddie’s gaze is like a laser boring into him then; brow raised, lips turned up into the smallest of smirks. “Is he asking you to do anything?”

“No.” Buck frowns back at her. “He said it’s up to me.”

“So do you **have** to do anything?” She asks, brushing back strands of loose hair from his eyes. “Why can’t you just enjoy the fact that he’s here?”

She lays it out so simply, so effortlessly, and Buck can’t help but blink slowly at her; surely it can’t be that simple?

“But… he… I…”

Maddie shakes her head, soothing him with a quiet murmur. “Stop overthinking it. Take each day an hour, a minute, at a time. Live for the moment and all that jazz.”

He can’t help but laugh, grinning up at her. “Is that an inside joke? Are you trying to reference my wrestling phase?”

“Honestly, I forgot.” She laughs softly, recalling pictures of a younger Evan with stockings up his arms and a veritable smorgasboard of action figures.

“I always wanted to be a Hardy Boy.”

“Until you decided to climb our neighbour’s ladder and broke your arm.”

“Oh yeah…” He sombers suddenly, picking at a hole in his shorts. “The first of many hospital trips.”

“Don’t do that.” She pulls his hand away, squeezing it softly. “Stop turning good things into bad. Stop dredging up what’s been and gone.”

“Live for the moment, huh?” He repeats, squeezing her hand back and offering her a small smile. “Jay said I should take things one day at a time, but all I can think is that he’s only here for a little while, and what then? I break his heart again? I leave LA for good? I don’t see any option that isn’t going to hurt.”

“But isn’t that what makes it worth fighting for?” She asks him. “Nothing good is ever easy.”

He thinks about Eddie; about the ups and downs of everything they’ve been through in the year or so they’ve known each other.

He thinks about Jay; about everything they had and everything he left behind.

“You know, I will always regret leaving you because of Doug, but I will never regret being the reason you moved to Chicago.” She smiles, thumb brushing over his cheek. “I will never regret what you gained there. It hurt, but it was worth it.”

Leaving Jay had hurt; he couldn’t say it was worth anything.

Maybe that’s his answer. After all, he’s questioned enough lately whether he should have left.

“Now I just feel more confused.” He murmurs.

Maddie presses a kiss to his forehead. “Well then I’m saving you from your confusion.”

“Huh?” He finally turns completely from the window, staring back at her.

She pulls him up with a wide beaming smile. “Come on, I want to meet this godson of yours.”

They take Mason out for ice cream, and it turns out to be the perfect cure-all for Buck’s melancholy. Shay regales Maddie with tales of his time in Chicago, whilst Buck entertains his godson by buying him the biggest sundae and then stealing bites from it.

“Buck-Buck!” Mason squeals.

Buck shrugs around a mouthful of strawberry ice cream and sprinkles. “What?”

“Kids.” Shay looks over, shaking her head fondly before looking back to Maddie with a grin. “You’re met my youngest. Reintroduce yourself to my eldest!”

Maddie laughs softly, though her expression saddens for a moment. She thinks of Athena. She thinks of the family they thought they’d both found.

“Moooom!” Buck grins at her.

Mason giggles and copies him. “Moooom!”

Shay rolls her playfully. “Yeah, yeah. Eat your ice cream.”

They go to the park shortly after so Mason (and Buck) can run off the sugar high.

Maddie and Shay watch on fondly as Buck chases Mason over the wooden jungle gym, arms outstretched like a monster.

“Brains!” Buck groans dramatically.

“Nooooo!” Mason giggles, darting away over the suspension bridge.

“If only I could keep him that way.” Shay says whistfully.

“Mason?”

“Buck.”

Maddie turns to look at the other woman, as if seeing her in a new light. “You really care for him.”

“He’s my kid; just as much as Mace.” Shay admits to her. “I only ever want him safe and happy.”

“She did too.” Maddie sighs.

“Who?”

“Athena.”

Shay scoffs. “Nash’s wife? Yeah, I’m sure.”

“You’ve met?” Maddie can’t hide her surprise at that. She hadn’t thought the two would have crossed paths.

“It wasn’t pleasant.” Shay says with a light scowl, remembering that night and the panic on Evan’s face.

Maddie saddens further, turning back to look at Evan. “I just don’t want him to lose what he worked so hard to build here.”

Shay reaches out and squeezes her hand. “Sweetie, I think they already took it away.”

They’re interrupted as Buck comes jogging over, panting heavily. “Your turn.”

Shay rolls her eyes. “I thought this is what big brothers were for.”

He grins in response. “Moms too.”

As Shay races over to where Mason is, Buck slips into the now vacant seat beside Maddie, laughing as he watches Shay grab Mason and spin him around; the child giggling, delighted.

“I’m really glad you have them in your life.” Maddie says, but perhaps her tone still betrays her whistful sadness, because Buck just raises a brow.

“I sense a ‘but’.”

Maddie sighs again. “She looks at you like a son.”

“And?”

“So did Athena.”

Buck too saddens slightly at the same, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “I thought you told me to stop living in the past.”

She meant it. It was just that everything was so messy. She couldn’t help feeling conflicted. It just felt a little too much like Buck was replacing the 118 with the 51; LA with Chicago.

Then again, he’d had the 51 first, right?

“I just don’t want you to burn all your bridges here and have to run away again.”

“They’re already gone, Maddie.” Buck whispers softly. “And I’m not running away, not anymore.”

The steely and determined look in his eyes shocks her a little. “I’m figuring out what **I** want.”

He settles an arm around her, pulling her close and grins at the sight of Shay and Mason on the swings. “Right now, that’s this.”

Christopher Diaz missed his Buck.

After the tsunami, Buck had been the only one who could make the nightmares go away, and Chris had longed for his hero every night.

Then Buck had stopped coming over, and his Dad hadn’t said why.

Chris wondered if Buck had gotten hurt again. Maybe that’s why his Dad didn’t talk about him anymore?

Maybe his Dad was sad and he didn’t want to make Chris sad too?

The problem was, not having Buck around had made Chris sad anyway.

He knew this made Carla worry about him, which is why she’d suggested they go to the park. The sun was shining outside, and there was no excuse not to go and have some fun; she said.

And Chris had been having fun for the first twenty minutes or so. He’d even made a new friend whose mom was happy to push them both on the roundabout and who – with Carla – helped them both through and over the large climbing frame.

For that short space of time, he’d forgotten his sadness over Buck not being there.

Then the boy had said to his Mom, “Can Buck-Buck come play again?” and Christopher’s sadness had returned with full force, more so when the boy turned to him and said with glee. “Buck-Buck’s the best!”

Even at eight years old, Chris knew Buck’s nickname came from his surname, and that lots of people had the same surnames. He knew that this was likely someone completely different, and so smiled at his new friend and said. “Cool!”

Then he’d made the mistake of following the mom as she jogged over to a bench at the side of the playground.

Then he saw **his** Buck, and suddenly Christopher didn’t understand anything anymore.

If Buck wasn’t hurt, why did he not come to see him anymore?

Why did this other kid know him like Chris had?

Did Buck not love him anymore?

Blinking back tears, he turned to Carla. “I wanna go home.”

Their time at the park ended abruptly when a pouting Mason said that his new friend had left, leaving Shay to take him home for a nap. Buck had dropped Maddie off at her place before going to the grocery store. She’d wanted to stay with him, but he’d told her that he was perfectly fine and had some things he needed to do.

If he was honest, he was feeling a lot better after spending time with the three of them, despite Maddie’s somber comments.

Deciding he felt like cooking that evening, he drove towards the best fresh produce store in LA. Everything they sold was high quality, free range produce, with no plastic waste. It was Buck’s favourite place to go when he had the time.

He’d never paid much attention to the Hilton hotel in LA, only really driving past it when he went to this specific store, and yet, as it slips into his rear-view window, he finds himself wondering if he should stop.

He finds himself wondering if it’s what he wants.

No-one has asked him that in so long, that Evan still doesn’t know the answer.

Then his gaze flits to the pop-up fairground on his right, set up against the LA shoreline, and memories flood through his mind. Blinking back tears, a small smile on his face, he decides that there is something he wants.

Abandoning plans of dinner, he pulls into the nearest lot, and pulls out his phone.

Ten minutes later, he’s stood at the edge of the fairground, close to the entrance, watching as a familiar figure weaves through the light crowds towards him.

“Hey.”

Buck smiles. “Hey.”

“You know, I wasn’t expecting you to call.”

“I wasn’t expecting to call.”

Jay Halstead grins, taking Evan’s hand in his own and lacing their fingers together once more. “So, what’s this about?”

Buck’s smile turns into a grin as he pulls Jay to the entrance and pays for two ‘all access’ tickets. “Do you remember our first date?”

Jay’s own grin widens. “How could I forget? You ate so many corn dogs and then insisted on riding the waltzer half a dozen times until you threw up.”

Buck rolls his eyes with a laugh. “Of course you’d remember that part!”

They pass by this fair’s waltzer, and Buck shudders a little with the memory.

Jay’s grin sombers to a light smile, eyes twinkling under the bright lights. “I remember every second.”

It could be a tender moment, but Buck isn’t quite sure he’s ready for that yet, so he pushes Jay in the shoulder. “Show off.”

Jay just pushes him back, grin returning. “Says the youngest ever Squad Lieutenant in CFD history.”

“I never actually ran Squad, so…”

“Not true. Remember when Kelly shattered his ankle, so you had to step up for two months?”

“Oh yeah.” Buck laughs, remembering how bitchy Kelly had been to be resigned to crutches for so long. “You actually threw me a party.”

“I mean it was us and our cat with some cake but… sure.”

Buck remembers them curled up beneath a blanket watching some corny movie; plates of cake on their laps. He remembers feeling so whole and contended, even with the sharp claws piercing his shoulder.

“Yeah, how is Godzilla?”

Jay rolls his eyes. “Mr Tibbles is fine. He misses you.”

“That cat hated me.”

“He was hard to win over.”

Buck stares him in the eyes, unyielding. “Hated. Me.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jay grins. “Come on, I’ll buy you some cotton candy.”

“Mmm, sweet fluffy clouds of pure goodness.” Buck grins at him, holding his hand tighter as they weave around other people. “But you have to share it with me. I gotta keep up this physique you know.”

“Oh, I know.” Jay winks.

Evan can’t help but blush.

“Dad?”

The last thing Eddie had expected when he returned home from shift was a sombre looking Carla and his son curled up in Eddie’s bed, face blotchy and red.

Sat beside Christopher, holding his son in a tight hug, he presses a kiss to the boy’s head and says, “yeah buddy?”

The last thing he expects is for his son to say;

“Why doesn’t Buck love me anymore?”

He hadn’t necessarily meant to let the tension between him and Buck bleed over so much into Christopher’s life, but it was hard to trust his boy with someone who had so easily betrayed them. Even if, deep down, he still trusted Buck with Chris more than anyone else in the world, he couldn’t override the anger that had festered since the lawsuit incident began.

“Of course he does, buddy.” Eddie knows it’s no word of a lie. “Why would you think that?”

“He doesn’t come over anymore.” Chris whispers.

“Christopher…”

“And today at… at the park… he was with another kid…”

Eddie’s heart breaks for his son, and he finds his anger flaring at Buck once more. He can only assume the other kid was Shay’s, being that they seem close, and he knows he can’t really be annoyed that there’s another kid in Buck’s life but… for it to hurt his son in this way?

Eddie knows that’s unacceptable.

But despite his anger, he knows he’s partially to blame. After all, hadn’t he pretty much banned Buck from seeing Chris?

Eddie sighs, caressing Christopher’s hair. “Oh mijo… Buck loves you. Always. Me and him… we made each other sad, and that’s why he’s not been here.” He presses another kiss to Christopher’s hair. “It has nothing to do with you. I promise.”

Christopher looks up at his Dad, still blinking away tears, and sniffles. “I wanna see him.”

Eddie’s never been one to deny his son anything, so he slips away and makes a call.

Buck’s pretty sure he’s giddy from yet another sugar high as the ferris wheel reaches its summit, but he’s not partial to caring about that right now. His chest hurts from laughing so much, face wet with tears, and it’s the best he’s felt in such a long time.

“Oh god… and then you…” He bursts out laughing before he can finish his sentence.

Jay is just grinning. “I went head first into the cake.”

“Your mom was so annoyed!” He can picture her face then; auburn hair and jade eyes glowing like medusa. “She had to pay the bakery for both cakes and then we decided we didn’t want either!”

“You mean you decided.” Jay laughs, pressing a kiss to Evan’s temple. “My precious prince was oh so particular about which cake was to be served.”

Buck grins back at him, eyes twinkling with mirth. “Only the finest for a royal wedding.”

“I have to admit, the one you picked was definitely the best of the bunch, even if we traversed through seven different shops.”

“Cake is important!”

Evan doesn’t notice how the ferris wheel has stopped. Suspended in time, all he can see is the shine in Jay’s eyes; all he can feel is the touch of Jay’s hand on his knee, and the warmth of his body beside him.

His breath hangs in the air, a strange feeling worming its way through his chest, his heart, his mind. His body leans without thought, eyelids fluttering closed. Jay’s breath his hot on his cheek, electric…

His phone rings.

Buck jerks, swaying the carriage a little, and grabs hold of the bar in front, laughing softly. “Um… I…” He looks away from Jay, embarrassed, and reaches for his phone, surprised when the caller ID reads ‘Eddie’.

Panic fills him suddenly, thinking of Christopher.

“Eddie?”

A simple sentence is all he gets in return, but it does nothing to abate his panic.

“Christopher needs you.”

The phone slides back into his pocket as he throws an apologetic smile at Jay. “I, uh…”

“It’s okay.” Jay squeezes his knee, and Evan doesn’t notice the way his other hand waves to someone down below. He doesn’t notice how the Ferris Wheel starts moving again until they’re back on the ground and he’s racing away with the promise of “I’ll call you!”

Jay just sighs and watches him go, shrugging when the operator says “better luck next time buddy.”

“Yeah… next time…”

Buck shifts from foot to foot outside Eddie’s door before he finally has the courage to ring the bell. Then the door swings open, Eddie is looking haggard and upset, but offers Buck the smallest of smiles.

“Thanks.” He says softly.

Buck nods, stepping inside. “Anything for Chris.”

He finds the boy in his father’s bed, looking like he’s been crying, and Buck’s heart breaks at the sight. “Superman?”

Chris looks up, smile brightening his face a fraction. “Bucky.” It’s not quite the welcome he’d usually get, but Evan gets the feeling that something isn’t quite right.

Sitting down beside Chris, he says. “You okay buddy?”

“I miss you.” Chris says simply, and damn if that doesn’t hurt Buck even more.

“I miss you too.” He replies, pulling him in for a hug.

Chris snuggles against Buck as he whispers. “I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”

Buck has to stop himself from jerking in reaction. “Why… Why would you think that?”

“You don’t see me anymore and… and you were at the park with… someone else…”

Buck curses himself for being so wrapped up in his own things to not even notice Chris had been there, and sighs. “You mean Mason?” He feels Chris nod against his chest. “He’s my godson buddy. He’s here for a little while visiting me, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re my superman, and I love you a lot.”

“Dad said you’d made each other sad.”

Buck looks up at Eddie, stood in the doorframe, and nods. “We did. We, uh… we both did some stupid things. But that shouldn’t affect you buddy, and I’m so sorry it did.”

“It’s okay.” Chris whispers, yawning against Buck’s chest. “I just want to see you.”

Buck’s gaze is still on Eddie as he says. “I promise I’ll be around more, okay?”

“Okay, Buck.”

He’d be damned if Eddie makes him break that promise.

When Christopher is finally asleep, Buck slips out of the boy’s hold, tucking him in tight, and then follows Eddie into the living room.

“I’m taking Mason to the zoo on Saturday.” He says softly. “I’d love to take Chris too.”

Eddie sighs. “I don’t think that’s wise Buck.”

If it weren’t for the way he’s already contradicting Buck’s words to Christopher, he would have been happy at Eddie’s use of his nickname again.

“I’m sorry?”

“He obviously feels threatened by this kid – ”

Buck actually laughs. “Are you serious right now? Eddie, I know you’re his parent and you want what’s best for him, but are you literally saying I can’t see him if I have Mason with me?”

“He needs to know you’re putting him first, like you used to.” Eddie says firmly, and Buck can’t believe the audacity. Sure it’s different to Eddie being angry at him for something he’s already apologised for, but isn’t it just a rehash of the same old story? Eddie expects Buck to be at his beck and call without caring that Buck needs support himself.

“That I’m…” Buck shakes his head, raking a hand through his hair, lost for words. “I will always love Christopher, Eddie. Always. I am not breaking the promise I just made to him. But I’m not going to ignore the fact that **Mason** , who I’ve had to watch grow up over **video** , is **here**.”

“And from what I heard, you **chose** to leave Chicago.” Eddie counters, feeling his anger bubble to the surface again, along with the lovely green eyed monster of jealousy. Ever since the 51 had arrived, he hadn’t been the only one at the 118 feeling replaced, and now with Christopher… “So why now are you replacing us with them?”

It’s the wrong choice of words, and Buck just sees red. “Replacing?” He scoffs, eyes alight with anger and pain. “You mean like how you all replaced me with Bosko? Taped over my name with hers? You mean the feeling that made me file that damned lawsuit in the firstplace?” He takes a step closer to Eddie, looking the man in the eye. “Let me tell you something, Edmundo Diaz, if my ties with the 51 upset you, then take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you wouldn’t have done the same thing I did.”

“That’s different.”

“It’s really not.”

“You betrayed us!” Eddie yells. “You told that damned lawyer everything about us!”

“Which I already apologised for a hundred times already!” Buck yells back. “Funny thing is I’ve never heard those words out of your mouth. You talk about betrayal and being replaced, but you’re all the ones who betrayed **me first** , who replaced **me first**. How many times did you come check up on me, huh? How many times did you ask if I was okay?” He shakes his head, wiping away the tears that have started to fall. “All the 118 ever cared about was what I did for them. I was, and am, never anything more than a free babysitter, and a cheap laugh. Oh, look at what Buck’s done now. Oh, Buck can you just…”

Eddie opens his mouth to speak but Buck just holds a hand up, stalking towards the front door. “I’m done with your excuses, Eddie. I’m done with the guilt. I’m done trying to repair something you’re damn well finding every reason to sabotage.”

He jerks the door open, half way out before he turns back to Eddie, voice breaking with emotion. “Whatever our friendship was… it’s done. I’m done.” He points towards the hallway, towards Christopher. “I will always love that kid, and I will always be there for him. But me and you…” He shakes his head with a sigh. “We’re done.”

Then he turns his back on Eddie, “I’ll pick Chris up at ten on Saturday,” and closes the door with a thud.

Less than an hour later, Evan stands outside room 287. The room’s occupant opens up, brow furrowing in confusion. Then Evan’s stepping inside, pressing him against the door and kissing him senseless. Arms wrap around each other, neither breaking the connection, as a foot reaches out to kick the door closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to point out that in no way is Buck using Jay here to get over Eddie. Buck has never stopped loving Jay but left because he couldn’t forgive himself and thought Jay deserved better. In coming to LA, Jay has shown that all he wants is Buck – or at least what Buck is willing to give. Eddie meanwhile has shown nothing to Buck other than that their relationship is – and likely always will be – toxic. Eddie has done nothing but proven that he doesn’t care about Buck’s wellbeing. If anything, Buck has simply realised who is there for him and who isn’t – who truly loves him and deserves his heart. Buck has realised what he wants, and that is a true, loyal, and steadfast partner.


	7. Heart to Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much again for all the lovely comments! Y’all rock! I hope you like this chapter!  
> Spot the Newsies reference :D
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 911, Chicago Fire or Chicago PD.
> 
> Trigger warning for high emotions, and mentions of PTSD and therapy. Please read with care.

It takes Jay a long moment to realise what’s happening, distracted as he is by Evan’s lips on his, but the door clicking shut jerks him from his reverie. Pulling them apart, he holds Evan at arm’s length, frowning softly.

The other man’s expression shifts, suddenly betraying wariness and disappointment. Jay holds his free hand up, other squeezing the man’s forearm softly. “Just… wait a second…”

Evan blinks but his expression doesn’t change, and that only serves to worry Jay a little more.

“What’s going on, Evan?”

“I don’t…” Evan frowns at him, shaking his head.

Jay sighs and leads him over to the couch, settling them both down. “I’m not saying I didn’t appreciate that, but… why the change of heart?”

“It’s not… I…”

“Evan…” Jay knows from experience that Evan has never been great at talking about his feelings when he’s backed into a corner. It’s part of the reason Jay had struggled to convince him to stay. But clearly something had changed in the few small hours between him leaving the funfair and now.

Evan parts his mouth to speak, thinks better of it and stops, licks his lips, sighs. “I… uh…” His gaze slides from Jay’s, fingers twitching at the edges of his shirt seams. “You said you only wanted what I was willing to give, and that… people have usually only ever taken what they can from me and… left everything else behind…”

“I meant it Evan.” Jay says softly. “No pressure.”

“I know.” He manages a soft smile, turning his gaze back to Jay and lacing their fingers together. “I just… Boden said to me the other day ‘what do I want?’ and uh… it was the first time anyone’s ever asked me that… Then yesterday, I told Maddie I didn’t know what I wanted, that I was doing like you said and taking things one day at a time but… I know now…” His thumb traces Jay’s palm, running over the soft lines. “I’m certain.”

“Yeah?” Jay can’t help but let the twinkle in his eyes show; the hope he’d kept so neatly hidden.

“Yeah.” Evan replies, pressing a soft kiss to Jay’s lips.

Jay lets his hand slide up over Evan’s cheek, holding him close. They break away after a few seconds, but despite the smile on his lips, Jay can’t help but ask. “How, though? I mean, not that I’m at all complaining but… I thought we were kind of having a moment, earlier, on the ferris wheel, and then Eddie calls and…”

“And I ran…” Evan sighs. “I know. Story of my life.”

“You want to share?”

Evan leans back against the couch, but he doesn’t let go of Jay’s hand. Staring up at the ceiling as Eddie’s words come crashing back to the forefront of his mind, he does his best not to break down. “He said Christopher needed me and I would do anything for that kid. But then he starts saying that it’s not a good idea for me to spend time with Chris if I have Mason and that need to put Chris first again, and I realised that he’s never going to put me first. Ever.” He fails miserably at keeping his emotions in check, tears spilling over his eyelids. “I need to be first, Jay. I need… I need someone who cares without condition. I need a partner, not a… not a dictator…” Looking back at Jay, lips quivering, he whispers. “I need you. What we had… I’ve never regretted anything more than I regret letting you go.”

“I want to believe you.” Jay replies softly. “But it sounds like you’re carrying quite the torch for this guy.”

“Maybe I did…” Evan shakes his head, brushing away the tears. “But the way he treats me… the way we are… it’s toxic. I can’t… I can’t do it anymore. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses before they drag you down too.”

Jay sighs softly, staring down at their locked fingers. “I love you, Evan, you know that, and I always will. But, I can’t be second choice… Not when I was once your first.”

Evan shakes his head, reaching up to cup Jay’s cheek. “You’re always my first.” He lets his thumb trail along the thin whisps of stubble crossing Jay’s jaw, appreciating the shiver it brings out from the other man. “Jay… when I’m telling you this, I’m not… saying that I wanted Eddie but I realised he isn’t good for me. That’s… That’s not what I mean. I will love you until the day I die. The only reason I left was because I thought you deserved better. Now you’re here and you still want me, and you’re… you’re just you, and you want just me, and I **need** that more than anything. When Boden asked me that… what Eddie made me realise… it’s nothing to do with them, not really. It’s me realising what I had and what I threw away. It’s me realising what I’ve been denied, here, with them. It’s me realising that I wish to god I could just turn back time, and keep you with me, and never let go.”

A hiccupping sob breaks off his speech, and he lets his hand drop. “But I understand if you don’t trust that. If you don’t trust me. Because I’ve never given you any reason to.”

“Hey…” Jay takes Evan’s chin, tilts his head slightly, bringing his eyes back up to meet his own gaze. “Don’t do that. I trust you with my life, Evan… and never has a day gone by that I didn’t wish I could have just stopped you from leaving. That I could have just… frozen time so I could just keep on looking at you.”

“Jay…” Evan croaks, tears flowing once more. “I promise, I’ll never hurt you again, I just… I need you to love me, for me…”

Jay smiles, tears slipping down his own cheeks. “Always and forever.”

Evan beams, pressing their lips together once more. “Who says we can’t turn back the clock?”

“No-one.” The other replies. “But, Evan… you’ve still got a lot you need to resolve here, and I’m not expecting you to just… come back to Chicago. So… why don’t we just see where the next week takes us, one day at a time?”

He nods. “I think I can do that.”

They’re both smiling as they lean in once more, arms wrapping back around each other.

This time, they don’t let go.

Evan Buckley-Severide walks into work the next day with a literal new lease on life, grinning like there’s no tomorrow.

Sure, a part of him is still hurt about Eddie, and mourns the loss of their friendship, but he’s done letting other people’s actions dictate his life. This time, Eddie’s mistakes are solely his own.

He’s back wearing a 118 shirt, so there’s no comments about his attire, but Kelly does immediately notice the change in his brother, and sidles up to the younger Severide with his own grin. “So….?”

Evan turns to his brother, brow raised. “So, what?”

“Someone get lucky last night?” Kelly prods, waggling his eyebrows.

“None of your business.” Evan laughs, pushing his brother away.

Kelly isn’t so easily deterred though. “Which means it totally is and…” He stops suddenly, lips parting into a shocked ‘o’ as he realises. “No… way…”

Evan turns, exasperated. “What?”

“You got back together with Jay.”

Evan splutters, eyes wide. “Wha… How did you know?!”

Kelly grins. “Brother’s intuition.”

Evan smacks him on the arm. “You don’t get to do that! You’re the one who brought him here.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kelly can’t stop grinning now as he makes his way up to the kitchen. “You can thank me at your wedding.”

“Kelly!”

The elder Severide just waggles his brows again, leaving Evan raking his hands over his face.

“We’re taking it a day at a time, okay! You can stop being you now.”

Kelly just lets his laughter ring through the firehouse. “Oh the golden couple are back!”

Evan groans, following him up into the kitchen. “Look, it’s… it’s still fragile, okay? So just… don’t make it a big thing okay?”

Kelly sombers slightly, pulling his brother into a hug. “I’m just happy for you, okay?”

“Yeah.” Evan smiles. “Me too.”

“I think the question I ought to be asking is, how?” Kelly says as he starts preparing a pot of coffee. “I mean, last thing I know you were still thinking things through.”

Its at that moment that Evan spots the core 118 team sat at the couches on the other side of the balcony space. Hen and Chim’s expression speak volumes (‘oh my god, gossip, and does Maddie know?’), while Bobby is just smiling sadly (‘another step towards Chicago?’), but Eddie… Eddie looks torn between anger and sadness, and Evan feels his own anger rising at the sight.

Eddie Diaz does not get to play the martyr. Not now. Not after last night.

So Evan steels himself, turning back to Kelly as he answers truthfully. “I’m done letting people sabotage my life. I’m putting myself first for once.”

“Well I’m proud of you.” Kelly beams back at him.

“Yeah, well,” his gaze seeks out Eddie then, unblinking, “some people just don’t want to be saved.”

The sound of the bell punctures the sudden silence, the new alert system calling out for Ambo and Squad, leaving the 118 sat tensely in the wake of the brothers’ conversation.

While Hen and Chim immediately burst into conversation about Buck and Jay and “does that mean he is going back to Chicago?” Bobby’s eyes immediately come to rest on Eddie.

“What was that about?”

Eddie sighs, and the 118 Captain is pretty sure he can see tears building in the Latino man’s eyes. “I really screwed up.”

Bobby just raises a brow. “Care to explain?”

It takes him a moment, but Eddie quietly explains the events of the previous day, up to and including his and Buck’s argument.

“You want some advice?” Bobby asks, and for once Eddie is thankful that he’s not outright judging him for something he knew – as soon as Buck slammed that door shut – he would regret for the rest of his life.

“It can’t make things worse.” He mutters, head already buried in his hands after reliving the heart-breaking moments of Evan’s departure.

“I know I’m not the best to speak about what happened and how we handled it.” Bobby starts. “But it sounds to me like you put Buck in Shannon’s place and let your anger over her get the better of you.”

“I don’t think it takes a genius to work that out, Cap.”

Bobby shakes his head. “I know but… you’re still letting that anger cloud your judgement Eddie, and you’re still expecting Buck to be something he’s not. You’re not thinking of him.” Bobby sighs. “Just like I didn’t think of him when I went behind his back.”

“We all screwed up.” Chim adds softly. “But he needs our support, not our demands.”

“I know.” Eddie groans. “I just… I hated seeing Christopher so upset and I… I know it’s my fault but… I guess I just wanted things to go back to how they were.”

“Eddie.” Bobby places a hand on his officer’s knee, squeezing softly. “You need help.”

“I know…” Eddie’s eyes lift to meet his, shaky and watery with tears. “Help?”

Bobby spends the next half hour or so finding counselling and support therapies for Eddie, focusing on those for people with PTSD; it’s clear that’s been the issue ever since Shannon died, and Bobby regrets not moving to help him sooner.

It hits him in the face that Chief Alvarez was right.

He wasn’t fit to lead this station as he was. He needed his own help, and the first step of that was making amends with Buck; accepting and apologising for what he did wrong.

He just needs to find the right moment.

The Squad truck rolls back in, and Bobby watches silently as Buck steps out with a beaming grin, widening further when Boden claps him on the back and says “You’re gonna make a fine Captain one day.”

The words are like shards of glass in Bobby’s heart. He’d been planning to prepare Evan for the Lieutenant’s exam for that very reason, before the truck exploded, and even the thought of that reminds him of how little they’d known about their youngest member before this week.

Bobby knows he screwed up.

He knows he needs to make it right.

He knows he needs to do it now, otherwise he’s all but handing Buck to the 51 without so much of a fight.

At the start of this week he’d thought all he had to lose was his firehouse.

Now he knows he stands to lose something so much more important.

Evan Buckley.

Steeling himself, Bobby slips out into the truck bay. “Buck?”

The man in question turns, wary apprehension in his expression. “Uh, yeah, Cap?”

“Can I talk to you, for a minute?” Bobby hates how weak and anxious his own voice sounds, but he can’t help feeling the blind panic that Evan’s just going to turn him away before he even gets one word out.

“Sure.” The small smile he gets in return is somewhat of a surprise, but Bobby will take what he can get.

When they’re tucked away in a secluded area of the house, he starts, hands wringing nervously together. “I wanted to apologise for… everything.”

“Bobby…”

“Let me just…” Bobby swallows thickly, forcing out the words he’d kept hidden for so long. “I don’t think it’s much of a secret how much I care about you, Buck, and I know I don’t always go the right way about it. I know I treat you differently than the others, and I know how that’s gonna seem to you. The truth is… I’ve always thought of you as a son and… after losing my kids… I couldn’t stand losing you too. Seeing you under that truck… that was the worst day of my life by far.”

“It always felt like you didn’t trust me, to know what was best for myself.” Evan admits.

“I know.” Bobby replies, reaching a hand out for Evan’s elbow, pleased when the other doesn’t pull away. “Like I said, I don’t go the right way about it. You’re a grown man, Buck, and I know I need to let you make your own choices. I know I can’t protect you from everything. I… I know it’s not my job to. So… I’m sorry. I’m so, god damn, sorry, for it all. I wish to god I’d just talked to you.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“I was scared. I was a coward. And I took the easy way out. I didn’t think of you.”

Evan sighs softly. “Not many people do.”

“I never wanted to be one of them.”

“I know.”

“I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.” Bobby whispers, throat clogged with emotion and tears gripping at his eyelashes.

Evan gives him a soft smile, and it’s more than Bobby thought he would get. It warms him, if only slightly. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past few days, it’s that we’re human, and we make mistakes. Forgiveness has to be worked for, yeah, but sometimes… sometimes you have to forgive yourself.”

It’s as much as Bobby could hope for, and he tries for a small smile in return. “So… are we okay?”

Evan’s smile brightens, nodding. “Yeah, Bobby, we’re okay.”

Bobby takes the chance then to hug the other man tight, warmth filling him.

It feels like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, things heat up (and I don’t mean Bay…)


	8. Drift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Here’s chapter 8; I hope you enjoy it! I can’t believe how big this story has gotten; originally it was just a few scenes in my head, revolving around 51 replacing the 118, for Buck, but then y’all mentioned Jay and it’s spawned into this beast! :D
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 911, Chicago Fire, or Chicago PD.
> 
> Trigger warning for mental health issues, indications of depression, and on-the-job thoughts about death. Read with care.

**Now - Wednesday**

Black smoke fills the sky, billowing violently from the warehouse. Flames lick every side of the imposing steel structure, and then another explosion rocks the ground beneath their feet.

“Squad! Report!” Boden calls into his radio, but Eddie can see the clear panic on the older man’s face. They’ve been out of contact with four members of Squad for several minutes, and as far as anyone is aware, they’re still inside the warehouse.

Including Buck.

Boden called for a full scale evacuation minutes ago, but so far not one of the four Squad members have emerged from the smoke.

“Squad!” Boden calls again.

Eddie holds his breath.

Then, movement.

Three figures stumble from the blaze, coughing heavily.

Not one of them is Buck.

**72 hours earlier – Friday.**

Hen and Chim had been among the first to notice Bobby was lighter and happier than he’d been. When questioned, the Captain simply smiled. “I talked to Buck.”

Ever since their conversation with Matt, both Firefighter-Paramedics had wanted to speak with Evan themselves, but had chosen to give him space after Jay’s sudden appearance.

Now that Buck was seemingly back together with the Chicago native, and with Bobby happier, they decided it was time for them to speak with Evan too.

Before they perhaps lost their chance at all.

The younger firefighter was sat at the kitchen upstairs playing cards with Squad, so Hen and Chim cautiously approached under the guise of making some coffee, trying to test the temperature of the waters, so to speak.

“Buck, you want a cup?” Chim asks.

The other man looks surprised, but gives a small smile. “Sure.”

Lukewarm then. Hen decides to go for it.

“Hey Buck, you mind if we talk a moment?”

Buck looks at her hesitantly, brows furrowed, but nods. Looking over to Kelly, who was sat close watching the TV, he says. “Hey Kel? Hold my cards?”

Kelly shrugs with a light grin and takes Buck’s place.

“You know he’s gonna lose all your chips?” Vargas says with his own grin.

Buck rolls his eyes. “We’re playing for fruit roll ups. It’s hardly a loss.”

Vargas rubs his hands gleefully. “But it’s my gain.”

Buck just laughs as he heads over to Hen and Chim. “Children.”

Hen watches the exchange with a small smile of her own. It’s been a while since they’ve seen Buck so carefree; even if it was their own fault in the first place.

“So, um…” Chim hands over the coffee as Buck comes over. “We just wanted to apologise. For everything.”

“Yeah, Buckaroo. We know we screwed up big time.”

Buck nods, agreeing, but the smile doesn’t slip from his lips. Instead he just gives a small shrug. “It’s fine.”

“No, Buck. It’s not.” Chim argues.

Hen nods. “We should have had your back.”

“Yeah, you should have.” Buck responds, honestly. “But like I told Bobby. We’re human and we make mistakes, so… honestly, I’m over it.”

Hen frowns, suddenly concerned, and it shows in her wide hazel eyes. “What?”

“I feel like this should be a little deeper of a conversation, Buckaroo.” Chim says.

Buck just shrugs. Thoughts had been swirling in his mind for a long while now but it wasn’t until Bobby hugged him – until he realised he felt nothing at all – that everything coalesced into one simple thought;

_I don’t belong here anymore._

He’d slept very little that night, mulling over the words and their implications. L.A. maybe wasn’t home anymore, but then where was? Chicago? Pennsylvania?

“Sometimes the problem is not that other people don’t care. It’s that you care too much.” He whispers, then looks back up at Hen and Chim, smile still plastered. “But thanks. I do appreciate it, and hey, three out of four is more than I thought I’d get.”

Chim sighs, looking to the bunk rooms where they all know Eddie is. He doesn’t think Buck knows that the other man is speaking to a therapist though. “Eddie will come around.”

“Doesn’t bother me, Chim.” Buck just turns, heading back to the card game. “Not anymore.”

Hen turns to Chim, eyes watering. “That, uh…”

“Yeah…”

They’d drifted apart a long time ago, but now that chasm seemed uncontainable.

**64 hours previously – Friday Night**

Buck drops his bag to the floor with a sigh as he enters the loft. He feels bone weary and exhausted; both mentally and physically.

He’d lied to Hen and Chim when he said that he was ‘over it’. They didn’t need to know that he wasn’t.

It wasn’t even a ‘they don’t deserve to know’ kind of childish response either – an emotional lashing out. It was simply that Buck knew he’d been drifting away from LA for a while now, but he still cared enough about them – even if it was nothing like it had been – that he didn’t want them to blame themselves if he left.

He didn’t want Maddie to lose the family that she had gained here.

So he’d lied and told them what they needed to hear.

Now, all he wanted was to sink into the comfort of his bed and not come out until the morning.

Yet the smell of freshly prepared stir fry perks his head up, and he’s surprised to see Jay stood in the kitchen, effortlessly juggling several ingredients and two pans. He notices that the oven is on also.

Beaming grin shifting his features, Buck heaves his bag further into the loft, depositing it near the couch, and then sidles over to his boyfriend. Wrapping his arms around Jay’s middle, he presses a kiss to the other man’s neck. “Hey you.”

“Hey tiger.” Jay turns in his arms, capturing Buck’s lips in a kiss.

“Well this is a surprise.” He says when they break.

Jay kisses his cheek and then turns back to the stove. “Kelly told me two of your teammates apologised today. I thought you’d need something special.”

Buck pointedly doesn’t comment on the mention of Hen and Chim, and just smiles. “You’re an angel.”

Jay throws a smirk over his shoulder. “Does that mean you’re my devil?”

Buck smirks back. “Why don’t you find out?”

“Oh, I would. But then the noodles would catch fire.” Jay laughs, melody reverberating through the loft. It makes Buck’s heart sing.

“Tease.” Buck whips a dish cloth at him.

Jay just laughs again. He carries on cooking as the younger of the two heads upstairs for a shower. Buck’s back downstairs, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt, by the time the food’s ready.

As they sit down, Jay takes his hand. “So… serious talk for a minute?”

Buck pauses mid sip of his wine, then nods, cautious. “Um… okay.”

“It’s nothing bad.” Jay quickly assures. “I just… it affects you too.”

“O-kay…”

“I was talking to Hank earlier, about the situation,” Jay squeezes Evan’s hand softly, “and I know I’m the one who said ‘one day at a time’ and all that but… he mentioned that there’s a task force in LA who’s recruiting, and that he knows a guy and would be happy to put in a word for me.”

Buck blinks. “You’re saying there might be a job for you, here, in LA?”

“Maybe…”

Slipping back into his seat, Buck scrubs at his eyes, taking a breath. It’s the last thing he’d expected after mulling over his own thoughts about LA.

“What do you think?” Jay asks softly. “Should I go for it? I mean, I’m not saying we’d have to live together again or anything, but…”

“Jay…” Buck sighs, reaching back over to squeeze Jay’s hand in return. “I just… I’m not sure if LA’s home anymore.”

“Oh…” This time Jay’s the one who’s stumped, but he nods, understanding. “Okay, then.”

“Let me think on it?” Buck asks, giving his partner a smile.

“Of course.” Jay smiles back, then gestures to the food. “Come on. It’s your favourite.”

Buck lets his smile morph into a grin once more. “My angel.”

**51 hours previously – Saturday**

As soon as the jeep pulls up to Eddie’s house, Buck can feel his heart start to pound inside his chest.

Although he meant every word of his promise to Christopher – and that Eddie would not make him break it – Buck couldn’t help but dread being face to face with Eddie again without them being at work.

Then a hand reaches over to squeeze his knee softly, and he feels the tension in his muscles loosen, if only slightly.

At least Jay was here.

The elder man gives him a soft smile. “I’ve got your back, babe.”

Buck smiles in return and gives him a quick peck. “Thanks.” Then he’s sliding out of the car and making his way up the stone pathway. The bell vibrates slightly under his finger, and he feels it sing through his entire body, every nerve on edge.

Eddie doesn’t seem to fare much better on opening the door, smile tight and body coiled. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Buck bounds on the balls of his feet a little, trying to chase away the anxiety. “Is Chris ready?”

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie pokes his head back in and calls for his son, “he won’t be a minute.”

“Okay…” Buck swallows, looks back at the car. “I’ll just, uh…”

“Um, yeah…” Eddie’s hand twitches on the doorframe. “Sure.”

Buck turns to go back to the car, but then Eddie’s voice, soft and uncertain, has him turning back.

“I’m getting help.”

Buck blinks at his former best friend. “That’s… that’s good, Eddie.”

“For the anger.” Eddie clarifies, shifting on his feet. He can’t quite look at Buck. “I… uh… I don’t think I’ve been thinking straight for a while…”

A soft smile slips onto Buck’s face and he means every word when he says: “I’m proud of you.”

Eddie’s smile is still strained, but less so. “Thanks.” Then he sighs, shaking his head. “Look, Buck…”

Any words he had are cut off when the resounding cry of Christopher comes from behind him: “BUCKY!”

The 8 year old barrels out of the door without so much of a goodbye, hugging Buck tightly.

Buck hugs him back with just as much ferocity, beaming. “Hey buddy! You ready for the zoo?”

“Yeah!” Chris exclaims, squealing when Buck picks him up, crutches and all. Eddie can’t remember the last time Chris let him pick him up without much of a fuss about independence. It reminds him of the simpler times with Buck, and his chest aches with longing.

The car door opens, Jay stepping around to help get Chris’ crutches in the car.

Buck smiles softly between the two of them. “Hey Chris, I want you to meet my friend. This is Jay.”

“Hi Jay.” Chris smiles at the other man, waving. “Are you coming to the zoo too?”

“He sure is bud.” Buck smiles back at the boy. “Jay, this is one of the most special people in my life. Christopher Diaz.”

Jay ruffles Chris’ hair. “Pleasure to meet you buddy. Buck’s told me a lot about you.”

“Really?” Chris beams.

“I sure have.” Buck says, helping Chris into the car. Then they’re pulling away with a quick wave back to the house, and all Eddie can hear the sound of his heart breaking.

**Now – Wednesday**

He’d never expected for it to end this way.

Sure, he’d thought about it a lot.

Death.

In his line of work, it was something that plagued you; on the bad calls, on the good ones, on the close shaves and dangerous encounters. The thought was somewhat of an old friend.

The actuality of it though, that was something he hadn’t expected.

Still, he does his duty to the end. He protects his crew. He makes sure they’re out. He makes sure they’re okay.

Then, alone but for the roaring flames, the steel beam pressed viciously into his back, he lets his eyes slide closed. Thick smoke clogging his lungs, blackness encroaching, he lets himself slip into the lure of unconsciousness.

Uneven breathing, stutters, gasps, wheezes, just as the radio at his chest blares to life.

“Buck?”

“Buck?”

“EVAN!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Runs*
> 
> Aha, in actuality though, please don’t worry. This is in no way a death fic! The last scene is simply giving way to an ‘Eddie Begins’ scenario for the next chapter.


	9. Buck Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m so sorry for taking so long to update; my MH has been rather shitty lately. I hope you enjoy this one.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire, or Chicago PD.
> 
> Trigger warning for violence, description of injury, allusion to abuse, and mentions of abuse and subsequent injuries. Please read with care.

**Wednesday**

**8:10am**

One of the first things Evan Buckley knew in his young life, was fear. Happiness had never come easily to him and was indeed something he had fought long and hard for.

It was something he was, in a lot of ways, still fighting for.

That morning however, Evan woke contentedly, snuggled in the arms of his boyfriend, Jay Halstead. Jay’s hand was circling lazily upon Evan’s back, eyes half lidded and looking down to where Evan’s head was rested on his chest.

“Morning.” Evan murmurs, feeling the gaze upon him, and shifts to greet the man with a kiss.

Jay smiles in return as they break away. “Morning.”

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” Evan whispers softly as he settles his head back down.

Jay lets his hand trail further up, carding through Evan’s hair. “Me too.”

“Mmm…” Evan purrs softly at the sensation. “Think Chicago’s still big enough for the both of us?”

Jay’s smile widens exponentially. A part of him had wondered if the previous night’s late conversation would go unremembered.

For all they’d talked of taking things slow, and just cherishing the time they had, one rogue comment from the elder Severide after a rescue had left Evan’s mind once again circling the idea of moving back to Chicago.

_“He said it’s like I’d never left.” Evan had said softly, eyes half closed as they settled down to sleep. “And it’s true… even after the past few days, things are still so tense with the 118. With 51 though…”_

_“It’s as easy as breathing?” Jay had responded with a raised brow. “I know.”_

_“Like with Voight?” Evan asked._

_“Yeah.”_

_Evan had sighed then. “I could never ask you to leave that, and honestly, I don’t think there’s much left for me in L.A. anymore.”_

_Jay’s fuzzy, tired mind had cleared for a brief moment, eyes widening. “Are you saying what I think you are?”_

_Evan looked up. “That I want to come back to Chicago? Yeah.”_

_Jay had simply kissed him._

Now he just presses a kiss to Evan’s forehead. “The apartment certainly is. The bed especially.”

Evan laughs softly. “I still can’t believe you kept it.”

“It’s home.” Jay says simply.

Evan kisses him again. “You’re home.”

Their eyes lock, emerald green and serene blue, and suddenly the air feels like lightning crackling around them. Everything else fades away. There’s nothing but the two of them, frozen in one perfect moment.

“Marry me.”

**9:15am**

Kelly Severide loves nothing more than lazy mornings with his husband.

Matt’s pancakes definitely come second, but those are wrapped in the package anyway, he thinks with a grin, tucking into the breakfast his husband had so lovingly prepared.

The hotel they were staying in was by no means lavish, but they’d made a home of it in their week and a bit so far in LA. Both were currently sat around the small kitchenette table, knees knocking into each other, as they ate large stacks of protein blueberry pancakes.

Mornings like these could scarcely be better.

That said, around half way through their breakfast Kelly feels a tug in his gut that has him dropping the fork with a clatter. Eyes screwed in confusion as the tug sharpens into a light pain, he draws the attention of Matt, who frowns with concern.

“Babe? You okay?”

Kelly doesn’t move, still assessing the strange sensation. Eventually he nods. “Yeah, just… got a bad feeling…”

“What kind of bad feeling?” Matt’s frown deepens.

Kelly looks up at his husband. “Like something bad’s gonna happen…”

The Captain knows never to distrust Kelly’s instincts, and nods. “We’ll take it easy today; keep check on everyone.”

It does nothing to ease the feeling in his gut, but Kelly nods. “Yeah… okay…”

The rest of the breakfast lies forgotten.

**9:57am**

Evan walks into station 118 that morning feeling both as light as a feather and as heavy as a rock. Despite the pointed decision to wear another of his old blue shirts that reads ‘Squad 3’ and ‘Severide’, his feet don’t quite want to actually head up to Boden’s office to talk about his decision. He’s especially loathe to have to talk to Bobby and the rest of his old team – the whole house more likely.

He knows it’s the right thing for him and for Jay, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be entirely pleasant.

If he’s honest, the thing he’s most worried about – the person – is Eddie.

His life was no longer Diaz’s concern and yet, Evan knows he’s going to take it personally. Evan knows he’s going to bring up Chris. Evan knows it’s going to hurt every fibre of his being to actually say the words “I’m leaving.”

So he doesn’t say them.

He lets Bobby call him upstairs for breakfast, sits beside Hen who regales him with some tale of Denny, and says nothing about the increasing discomfort that prickles every inch of his skin.

He says nothing of how the whole thing feels less and less like home – like the family he’d thought he’d made – with every increasing second.

A small house fire – no persons reported – pulls away Truck and Ladder, while a call involving a young boy with his head stuck pulls away Ambo, leaving the house devoid of all but Squad. The change allows Buck to relax somewhat, fingers playing absentmindedly with the ring now around his neck, as he lays down on one of the bunks.

Of course, his brother finds him.

Of course, Kelly Severide is nothing but observant.

“You wanna talk?” His brother asks, sitting on the end of the bunk.

Evan just shrugs. “You were right.”

“About?”

Evan can’t help but let out a small chuckle. “Everything.”

Kelly grins. “Now there’s something I never thought I’d hear you say.”

“Being with 51, with 3 again… you were right… it’s like I never left.”

His brother looks pointedly down at the front of the shirt, at the logo on the left of his chest. “I assume this realisation has something to do with your wardrobe choice?” He can’t quite keep the smile out of his voice, but he wants to hear his brother say it.

Evan sits himself up, hand dropping from his neckline. “How’d you feel about not being the only Severide on Squad again?”

Now Kelly grins. “I’d love nothing more.”

It’s not Boden, and it certainly isn’t Bobby, but the pressure in Evan’s chest loosens somewhat. Having his brother’s support means more than anything. Pulling Kelly in for a tight hug, he can’t help but let the next comment slip through without thought. “Well, for a little while anyway…”

Kelly pulls back, brows raised. “What’s that?”

Evan just shrugs, lips upturned into a coy smile. “Just that I might not be Severide for much longer…”

Despite everything, he relishes in the way his brother actually jerks back in surprise. “Are you playing with me right now?”

Evan shakes his head, pulling the ring out from under his shirt, letting it rest on the length of the chain. “Jay asked me this morning. I said yes.”

“Wow…” Kelly smiles, though his eyes are still a little wide. “Congrats, man.”

“Thanks.”

“So, you’re really done with LA?”

Evan nods. “I’m done with LA.”

Maybe it’s the determination in Evan’s voice, or the way everything seems just too perfect, but Kelly feels the tug in his gut worsen. Squeezing his brother’s hand, he just says, “Be careful today, yeah?” then, as if sensing the worry that tugs at Evan’s features, he smiles. “Jay can still whoop my ass, and I’d rather not be benched.”

If he keeps an extra eye on the younger man, it’s simply what being an elder brother is about.

**5:01pm**

Alone but for the roaring flames, the steel beam pressed viciously into his back, Evan lets his eyes slide closed. Thick smoke clogging his lungs, blackness encroaching, he lets himself slip into the lure of unconsciousness.

Uneven breathing, stutters, gasps, wheezes, just as the radio at his chest blares to life.

“Buck?”

“Buck?”

“EVAN!”

He hears nothing, sucked into the blackness of his mind, and with it, long ago memories.

_9 Years Ago_

_Broken ribs make it hard to move, stuttered, pained gasps escaping him as he throws everything he needs into one bag. Then, silent as drifting snow, he slips past the old man – now sleeping in a drunken stupor – and out into the night._

_There’s nowhere in Hershey he can go that the man wouldn’t find him, but there’s one place in particular, far away, where – though the man would look – he would be safe._

_He has enough change scraped together to get him a bus ticket to Lafeyette, but from there he’s gonna need a little help. So, waiting in the cold bus station and ignoring the way every breath hurts, he pulls out his phone._

_“Dad?” He whispers softly, tears in his eyes, when the other man picks up._

_Benny Severide is immediately alert, and promises his youngest son that he’ll be waiting in Lafeyette for him. From there, it’s back to Chicago; the one place Evan ever felt at home._

_Nothing prepares him for the sight of his son beaten black and blue though, and Evan is completely unprepared for the light hug his father brings him into. Still, he lets himself melt into it completely, a sob escaping him as he details everything that has happened the past ten plus years; everything he never let himself speak over the phone._

_Benny is shaking with anger by the time Evan is done, and bundles his son into the truck, turning up the heating to full and covering him with a blanket. He doesn’t let his boy argue when they pull into Chicago Med, insisting he gets treated, nor when he calls up Hank Voight at PD and asks him to take Evan’s statement._

_Then, carding his hand through the boy’s hair, small and fragile in the hospital bed despite his lanky stature, Benny says, “You’re never going back there.”_

_Evan can’t be more thankful, and it’s the first time in a long while that he tells his Dad, “love you.” It’s possibly the millionth time he’s been thankful that Greg Buckley was never his real father._

_The doctors set his arm and tape up his ribs, check over the cuts and old burns, set him up with fluids and antibiotics. They even make sure he has a decent meal, complete with cake. It’s the first time since Maddie left that he’s felt any sort of love and affection, and it’s more than overwhelming._

_Then Kelly bustles in, fresh off shift, and pulls Evan into the warmest hug, wetting his gown with tears. “I’m never letting you out of my sight.” His brother promises, and it’s a little extreme, but in that moment, Evan wants nothing more._

_In that moment, he’s home._

**3.52pm**

The day continues fairly quietly, but the tightness in Kelly’s gut doesn’t abate. He finds himself watching Evan all too carefully, even if his brother does nothing but roll his eyes when he catches him watching.

The call comes in half way through their twelve hour shift. A warehouse fire on the edge of the city. As they all bustle into their respective vehicles, Kelly feels the tug in his gut weigh heavier and heavier.

He makes himself force it down, to rely on his instincts as a lieutenant and his knowledge of the job, in spite of his own personal concerns. He puts Buck right into the heart of the rescue operation.

He lets his brother out of his sight.

It’s less than an hour later that he comes to regret it.

**5:19pm**

Fire expands the air around it by heating up the oxygen molecules. It’s the reason why windows can explode outwards, why backdrafts can happen. It’s the reason why Truck always makes sure to vent the roofs before Squad enters a building.

It’s one of the reasons why fire is so unpredictable and devastating.

In the case of a warehouse made mostly of solid steel and corrugated roofing, it’s not only the air that heats up, but the building itself. Half collapsed materials shift and groan – one specific piece cutting deeper into the side of Evan Buckley-Severide.

A groan escapes the fallen firefighter’s lips, pushing him back to consciousness. It’s then that he becomes aware of the loud voices emitting from his radio. With great difficulty, he brings a hand up to the receiver. “Ch-Chi-Chief?”

Boden’s relief is palpable. “Evan?!”

“H-Hey…”

“Stay with me kid.” Boden responds. “Flames are almost out and then we’re sending in rescue for you.”

Evan coughs, feeling the warm wetness of blood dripping down his chin. “’m not goin’ anywhere.”

“Damn right.” His brother’s voice is like a balm, and Evan smiles.

“H-Hey S-Sev…” He bites back a cry as the metal shifts again. “Hell of a l-last w-week, huh?”

His brother chuckles wetly. “You better not give me this much grief in Chicago.”

“W-wouldn’t d-dream of it…” There’s silence for a moment, and all Evan can hear is the light crackle of flames and the gush of rushing water. “H-hey Sev?”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“D-Do me a f-favour?” He can feel the blood coating his mouth, metallic and bitter and warm. “T-Tell J-Jay I l-love him and ‘m s-sorry.”

“Nope.” Kelly’s voice is stern and unyielding. “Tell him yourself when we get you to hospital.”

“Kel…”

“You’re not doing this Evan. Not now. Not ever.”

Tears prick his eyes, stomach churning. “P-please, k-kel…”

There’s a choke on the other end. “He… He knows, kiddo. Just… Just hang on, okay? Hang on for me.”

Everything feels heavy, the darkness pulling him in once more. “L-love… y-you…”

Then he’s sucked back under.

_23 Years Ago_

_Evan Buckley had always hated the sounds of his parents fighting._

_Evan Buckley had always looked up to firefighters ever since one had rescued the five year old after he’d fallen off the neighbour’s ladder, trying to imitate a wrestling move._

_So when his mother had told him they were moving away to Chicago, that his father was not coming with them, he’d been more than thrilled._

_When he’d found out that the person they were staying with in Chicago was a firefighter, he’d been absolutely ecstatic._

_“Is he my new Daddy?” Evan had innocently asked his mother._

_He hadn’t understood the sad smile his mother had given him then, only the words, “Baby, he is your Daddy.”_

_Needless to say, Benny Severide had quickly become Evan’s hero._

_The move had not only given the siblings and their mother peace, it had given Evan a dream._

_“Fiwefighter Evan Sevwide ‘questing back up!” Evan yells into his fist, stood in the middle of the back garden, looking up at the tall oak tree. Above him, a cat mewls in response._

_“What do you mean dipach?” Evan pretends to argue with the other person on the radio, pointing up at the tree. “The kitty is stucked!” He waits a few moments and then pretends to throw the radio. “I do it myself!” Even at five, he was nothing but tenacious._

_Ever since his Daddy had taken him to the fire station, Evan’s favourite game was rescues, and more often than not his big brother Kelly joined in too. Evan loved Kelly more than anything; except maybe Maddie, but she didn’t always play his ‘silly kid games’._

_Racing to the base of the tree, Evan yelled up, “I save you kitty!” and proceeded to try and climb the thick trunk using smaller branches to help._

_He makes it six or seven feet off the ground, nowhere near the cat, before the branch he places his foot onto snaps and he feels the tree slip out of his grip._

_“Ahh!” Evan yells, but in only a second he finds himself gripped tight in his elder brother’s arms._

_“What are you doing munchkin?” 17 year old Kelly Severide grins down at his baby brother._

_“Kelly!” Evan wraps his arms tight around his brother’s frame. “You’re the bestest back up ever!”_

_Kelly howls with laughter, tickling the five year old. “Oh I’m the back-up, am I?”_

_“Uh huh.” Evan nods, squirming out of his brother’s hold._

_“How’d I get into fire academy then?” Kelly grins, letting him down._

_Evan blinks up at his brother. “You gonna be like Daddy?”_

_“You bet, kiddo.” Kelly kneels down to Evan’s height, and his baby brother throws himself into Kelly’s arms once more. “And one day, you can be too.”_

_“Love you, Kelly.” Evan whispers, snuggling into Kelly’s arms._

_“Love you too, Ev.”_

**4:42pm**

“Still one person unaccounted for.” Evan relays into his radio. “We’re doing one more sweep of the north east section.”

“Copy.” Kelly responds from outside, as Evan and Vargas move back into the heart of the fire. They’re followed closely by Cruz and Darden.

None of them are prepared for what happens next.

A loud squeal pierces the air, followed by an almighty thud as a piece of roof detaches completely, catching on one of the steel girders supporting the upper structure.

“Squad!” Kelly’s voice blasts through the radio. “Report!”

“Kelly, we’re – ” Buck’s about to answer when his gaze catches on one of the beams, leaning and unsteady, about to collapse under the weight of the detached roof. Forgetting his radio, he races towards the two squad members stood in its path. “Take cover!” He yells, pushing them down and out of the way. Vargas is beside him, and Evan pushes him away too as the girder crashed down atop of them, bringing half of the surrounding structure with it.

When he comes to, he can immediately feel the warm wetness of blood slicking his side, and the heavy press of unforgiving steel across his back. He’s wedged down into the floor, his body the only thing keeping the girder at an angle. Another fallen piece is wedged atop the one on his back, and together the two are keeping the rest of the debris away from the team. The three squad members are somehow secure in the small pocket created.

“Lieutenant!” Vargas is at his head immediately, trying his best to triage with only his flashlight to illuminate Evan’s wounds.

Evan swallows back the bile coating his throat, and forces a smile. “I’m fine.”

“Lieu-”

Evan shakes his head. “You all need to get out of here and get back-up.”

“We’re not just gonna leave you!” Darden argues.

Evan’s nothing less than a good lieutenant. He knows his surroundings, can see the problems before they’re even visible. “Look.” He coughs against the slowly increasing pressure in his chest. “It’s possible you can slide me out, but then this whole thing is gonna come down. If… Even if you get out first, we don’t know that it’s just… just this section…” He waves his arm out beside him, at the small exit hole created by the angle of the girder on his body. “I’m keeping this damn thing up, so you slip out, and you get the fire out, and then…” He coughs again, harsher this time, and feels the tell-tale tinge of metal on his tongue. “Then you send someone back for me, ‘kay?”

He honestly doesn’t know if they have that much time, but he isn’t about to let three people put themselves at further risk… not for him…

“Evan…” Andy’s eyes are wet, even beneath his mask, and Evan smiles back at his friend, reaching out carefully to squeeze his wrist.

“Go.”

When none of them move, he looks up to Vargas, voice firm. “Go!”

**5:32pm**

The fire’s out, but the heavy water load has created a thick, dense smog that threatens to choke Evan’s already struggling lungs before someone ever has chance to find him. Bleary eyes try to focus, even as a shadow cuts through the haze, but he finds himself giving back into the darkness all too quickly.

_21 Years Ago_

_Evan’s body is small and unassuming against the sea of black that fills the graveyard. Kelly’s hand is tight on one shoulder, Benny’s on the other, as they head the procession._

_Later Evan will say that he remembers little from that day. In actuality, all he remembers is the crushing pain of knowing his mommy isn’t coming home._

_Hours after the funeral, when everyone has left the wake, he’s curled up in Kelly’s arms, sobbing heavily._

_Kelly whispers comforts and love to his baby brother, but it does nothing for the all-consuming pain that fills the young boy’s every breath._

_“I’m here, kiddo.” Kelly rubs his brother’s back, speaking softly. “I’m never gonna leave you. I promise.”_

_Maybe it’s the conviction in the older boy’s voice that has the younger blinking up at him, hiccupping sobs quieting slightly. “Pr-promise?”_

_“I promise.” Kelly repeats._

_It takes less than six months for that promise to lie in tatters._

“Kelly…” Evan moans as he comes back to. His body shifts, agony lacing through him, and he screams, black spots dancing in front of him.

“Kelly…” He repeats again, a figure looming above him, but the air is muggy and his vision too blurred. Was this death, he wonders, finally coming for him?

As his eyes slide shut one last time, they just catch the reflective yellow taping spelling ‘118’ and ‘Diaz’, along with ‘51’ and ‘Severide’. A smile graces his lips, and then he’s back under.


	10. Buck Begins Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for still loving this story despite my absence. Your comments have really inspired me to write again!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire or Chicago PD.
> 
> Trigger warnings for mentions of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, substance misuse, depression, grief, trauma and general dark elements. Please read with care.

Kelly Severide has always hated hospitals, and none more so than when his brother is the patient. Too many times has he seen his brother tucked up under too big white sheets, surrounded by sterility and the distinct tang of antiseptic.

Too many times has he been waiting on the other side of the doors, a prayer already spoken on chapped lips, eyes stained red.

This day was no different.

Evan had been barely breathing by the time they’d found him, and the four or so minutes it had taken to free him safely from the wreckage were too many for Severide to even think of.

How long had he been bleeding out for?

How long had his brain been deprived of enough oxygen?

How long until they get some god damned answers?

Shay’s arm is wrapped tightly around him, and he can see her lips moving, but he can’t hear a word beneath the roar of his mind circling ‘what if’s’ and the pounding of his heart beneath his rib cage.

With exception of the 118’s presence, he’s reminded too much of the last time Evan was in the hospital; too overwhelmed by the same blinding whiteness, the grip of someone’s hand on his, and the silence he just can’t seem to shake.

_4 Years Ago_

_The bar closes and Kelly is turfed out into the frigid night air. His jacket warms him somewhat, but it also sits heavy on his aching, unresponsive limbs. Somehow he manages to drag himself home._

_He’s alone tonight._

_Matt’s had enough of the drinking, the bouts of anger. Deep down, Kelly doesn’t blame him._

_He knows he’s not thinking straight._

_He knows he’s blaming everyone but himself._

_He knows Matt and Evan are taking the brunt of it._

_The problem is, part of him can’t seem to care._

_The world seems too bleak and cold without his father’s presence, too confusing to bear, and only the dark end of the bottle seems to help at all._

_He drops his keys a half dozen times before he manages to get into the flat, chucks them onto the side table, then slinks over to the couch and plops down._

_Later he won’t know what prompted him to check his phone, what makes him not quite sink into the calling lull of sleep just yet, but nevertheless he does; letting the bright screen sear into his bloodshot eyes._

_1 Missed Call: Jay._

_Beneath the alcohol, Kelly’s heart stutters._

_He plays the message._

_Holds a breath; tight and aching in his already cold lungs._

_“Kel… I… Shit!” The swear that erupts so wetly from the detective shakes Kelly to the core. Almost immediately he sobers up, pressing the phone tighter to his ear. “I don’t know how to say this, bud, but… Evan’s not right… I don’t know what’s going on between you two but… he’s spiralling Kelly… and I’m trying to help him but he just won’t… god, he won’t talk to me… Fuck, Kelly, he’s dosing with some bad pain meds and I – ”_

_The beep that ends the message so abruptly jerks Kelly, but the voicemail quickly skips to a second recording, made seconds later._

_“Kelly… there’s no way this ends well, and I don’t know where he’s gone. Just… call me? Please…”_

_Kelly’s hands shake and then tense around the phone, muttering curses under his breath as he realises just how bad everything has gotten. He forces himself upright, moving back towards the door._

_He needs to find his brother._

_Perhaps it’s the determination flowing through him or the way Jay’s wrecked voice had torn through the effects of the alcohol, but it suddenly occurs to him how easy his key had slid through the lock, twisting with little effort. The deadbolt hadn’t been on, and he knows he set it before he left earlier that evening._

_Somehow, he notices the muddy footprint beneath the doormat, a size smaller and distinctly not his._

_Somehow he notices his brother’s keys fallen against the wall._

_“Evan?” Confusion gives way to panic, scrambling back inside and up to the second floor bathroom. Somehow, he just knows. “Evan!”_

_His brother is pale and still, sobs escaping Kelly as he sinks beside Evan and pulls him into his arms. Somehow he has the presence to remember his training, opens Evan’s airway, sets him on his side, checks that he’s even breathing, then calls 9-1-1._

_In the three minutes it takes for the ambulance to arrive, Kelly has only one thought in his mind._

_“Please don’t let me lose him too.”_

He comes back to sound filtering through the bubble of silence in his mind; specifically the sounds of angry shouting.

More specifically, Eddie Diaz.

“So he’s just going to up and leave? Is that it?” Eddie’s voice sears through the air. “After everything we’ve been through?” The other man’s fists are clenched tight, and he’s staring at Bobby like the other man is personally offending him.

“Eddie…” Bobby starts, gaze shifting to the members of 81 who are watching them. “Not here. Not now.”

“When then?” Eddie counters. “When he’s already half way across state?”

“It’s Evan’s decision.”

There’s something in Eddie that breaks then, and he looks up at Bobby with red rimmed eyes; it’s a grief that Kelly recognises all too easily; a grief he knows matches his own.

“I can’t lose him again.”

The topic of conversation is clear to Kelly as he watches Eddie sink back into his own seat, but he wonders when Evan had had the time to tell them he was going back to Chicago. He wonders what prompted the other man’s outburst here and now.

Shay must be able to read him like a book, because she rubs a hand up and over his shoulder, squeezing softly. “Your radios were on to everyone.”

Kelly blinks, recollecting his own words;

_“You better not give me this much grief in Chicago.”_

“They know?” He croaks.

“We all do.” Shay offers him a soft smile. “Of course, some of us are happier about it than others.”

Kelly shakes his head. “They lost him the moment they pushed him away. The moment they stopped caring.”

“I think they know, Kel.” She responds. “And I don’t think they’ll ever stop regretting it.”

Something about the way she speaks strikes him deep inside, and the words spoken by both of them specifically echo a darker time in his own life that he’s been trying so hard to make up for.

“I never did.” He whispers softly, feeling Shay’s hand squeezing tighter.

“He never held it against you.”

“Doesn’t make it easier.” He murmurs, looking up at her. “I’ve spent this whole time being angry at them, for him, for what they put him through, but… was it any worse than what I did?”

“People make mistakes.” She looks over at the members of the 118, now silent in their own worry, then back at Kelly, echoing the words they’d all spoken to Evan that night in the bar. “It’s called being human.”

Kelly lets his gaze drift back to the emergency room doors, says nothing, but the words sink deeper into his subconscious than he would rather they did. They tug at something buried and ignored, and he knows he needs to talk to his brother once again.

If he pulls through.

No – Kelly shakes his head, dispelling the thought immediately – **when** he **wakes up**.

Head trauma specialist Liani Gravett has seen Evan Buckley under her knife way too many times to count, but the one thing she has always noticed is his tenacity and fight.

Never before has she worried about him pulling through and getting off her table alive.

Until now.

Blood slicks her fingers, the putrid tang filling the air, as she tries desperately to find and stem the bleed. The rusted metal had cut deep into his side; tissue, muscle, organs and all. It’s a wonder he even made it out of the site.

She’s not even thinking about the head wound yet.

The monitors flash in her peripheral vision – O2 sats way too low, even on 100% oxygen, and heart rate decreasing at a dangerous rate.

She knows if she doesn’t find and close it now, she’s likely not going to have a patient to save.

The sudden wail has her swearing as she calls for another push of epinephrine and to charge the paddles.

“Come on Evan. Fight.”

Little was she aware that Evan’s subconscious was working to tell him the exact same thing.

_21 Years Ago_

_The court room stands silent amidst the bang of the judge’s gavel. The short, grey haired woman looks tired and haggard. Years of working similar cases have left her overwrought and often distressed, wondering if she’d made the right decision; wondering if she’d heard every side._

_A sigh leaves her as she surveys the two sides of the courtroom._

_On one side stands Benny Severide, a decorated Firefighter and father._

_One the other, Greg Buckley, a well-respected businessman, and also a father._

_Beside the judge’s chair, two children, the subjects of the case; Evan Buckley-Severide, seven, and Madeline Buckley, fifteen._

_“I never like cases like this one.” She starts with another heavy breath. “And in most I would usually grant custody to the parent. In both your cases, this is more than a little complicated, and I would never willingly separate siblings. Having heard from both sides, references and witnesses, my decision rests solely on what is best for the children.”_

_She lets her eyes drift to the two, huddled close to each other; elder hugging the younger._

_“The recently deceased Clare Buckley was and remained married to Greg Buckley. She had failed to make him aware of the fact that his son was not biologically his, and removed both children from his home without consideration or reason beyond what Mr Buckley describes as ‘common marital problems’. The children lived with both parents without incident until their being uprooted to Chicago to live with Mr Severide. Whilst I sympathise with Mr Severide being unaware of his youngest son’s existence, he too was married to another when the child was conceived. For all intents and purposes, Greg Buckley was and remains Evan’s father, as well as being Madeline’s. In the best interests of both children, I grant custody to Greg Buckley.”_

_It’s the outcome Benny had feared, but deep down knew was coming. Regardless of his shining record and references, he was never going to win against the man Clare had cheated on, and then kept Evan’s true heritage from. Still his hand slams down on the bench in front of him as he cries, “this is unacceptable!”_

_“Mr Severide!”_

_“She left him because he was emotionally manipulating her!”_

_“The court received no evidence of this beyond your word, Mr Severide, and in this instance – ”_

_“He’s my son!”_

_Evan, tight in Maddie’s arms, is crying uncontrollably at this point. “Daddy!”_

_“Mr Severide, unless you wish me to hold you in contempt of court!”_

_Benny throws his hands up, exasperated, defeated, broken. He manages a moment where Evan rushes into his arms, shushing his boy and telling him that he will always be his Daddy, and then he’s being pulled away from the son he only just got chance to know._

_His heart breaks._

_“I will **fight** for you, Evan! I’ll **fight** for you!” He yells as he’s pulled back through the court room doors, screaming until his boy is out of sight._

_Inside the court room, Evan cries and screams until he’s red faced and panting. “Daddy! K-K-Kelly!”_

_Later that night, curled up in Maddie’s bed with his sister holding him close, Evan sobs, “Kelly pr-promised he w-w-wouldn’t l-leave!”_

_Maddie’s heart breaks, just as Benny’s did, as she whispers. “I know, Bucky… I know.”_

_The years pass in blurred images and snapshots._

_Maddie suffocates under Greg’s blinding love and devotion to his baby girl._

_Evan withers and hides from the man’s distaste; never truly forgiven for crying out for his real father._

_When Maddie finally leaves for college, glad to be out from her father’s eagle eyes, she tells herself that Evan will be okay. She tells herself that everything will be fine._

_It’s only later that she comes to regret leaving her brother with the man she didn’t realise to be a monster._

_Evan’s saving grace came in the form of Kelly, who made Maddie give them updates every week and who, when Evan turned nine, brought him his own phone so that he could always keep in touch with them._

_It came in the form of Kelly reminding Evan that he would always be a Severide._

_And when the day finally came that Evan left Hershey for good, that phone brought the saving grace of Benny and with him, his Uncle Hank too._

_The nineteen year old is shivering under the blankets as Hank takes his statement, before the gruff man is turning to his Dad and saying “he’s gonna go away for a very long time.” When the official business is said and done though, Hank turns to him with a smile._

_“You’re a **fighter** kid. Get that off your Dad.”_

_Having seen the man on video calls once or twice – usually when Greg was out of the house – Evan feels more at ease with him than anyone else who could have come from the precinct. “Thanks Uncle Hank.” He whispers softly, offering the man a small smile._

_Voight guffaws, then ruffles Evan’s hair gently. “Anytime, kiddo.”_

_It was the first, but by far not the last, time that Voight’s ‘papa bear’ tendancies rose to the surface around the youngest Severide._

_Not that he’d ever admit it, if asked, of course._

Jay Halstead has only known fear like this once in his life, and it was indeed another time where Evan was in the hospital.

Yet, despite his mind’s determination to focus on the negative side of things, Jay forces himself to think instead of the best moment of his life; of the moment he met the brightest star among them.

_7 years ago_

_Station 51 looms above him and yet Jay walks confidently through the double bay doors, searching for one firefighter in particular. The bright summer’s day was bringing nothing but grief for the young detective, and yet Jay doesn’t let the reason for his visit dull an otherwise nice chance to see his friend._

_“Hey Severide!” He yells out across the truck bay._

_The head that turns to him however is not the one he expected._

_Blond hair and crystalline blue eyes gaze over at him, and Jay finds his feet suddenly stuck to the floor._

_“Yeah?” The man questions, but his brow is knitted in confusion. ‘Candidate’ is emblazoned across his shirt beneath the words ‘Truck 81’._

_“Um…” Jay licks suddenly parches lips, shaking his head to clear the cobwebs. “I’m looking for Kelly?”_

_“Oh.” The man’s confusion abates, and then he’s jogging around to the door that leads to the crew quarters, yelling inside “Kel?! Tall and hunky here to see you!” The snicker that accompanies his words leaves Jay blushing furiously and he wonders who this guy is to cause such a reaction in him._

_Suddenly at Jay’s side, the man grins and extends a hand. “Evan Severide.”_

_Jay blinks. “Oh… Kelly didn’t mention – ”_

_“That he had a much better looking younger brother?” The man – Evan – finishes for him with a cocky grin, and Jay has to stop himself from blushing further._

_Still, it’s clear that the guy’s flirting with him, and Jay was never one to not rise to a challenge, especially when he was so painfully single. So he grins, shaking the other’s hand. “Jay Halstead, and no he did not.”_

_Evan’s eyes brighten. “Ahh, you’re the hunky PD guy he’s working on arson’s with.”_

_“He actually said that?” Jay laughs._

_Evan shrugs. “I filled in the blanks. I’m certainly not blind”_

_Something in him makes him brave, and despite looking over his shoulder to make sure Kelly isn’t about to rip his head off, Jay lets his hand still linger over Evan’s, the touch barely there, yet felt all the same. “In that case, how about I take you out for a drink sometime.”_

_Evan grins in response. “You sure you can handle me, officer?”_

_“Detective.” Jay smirks back. “And you bet, tiger.”_

The memory brings a smile to his lips, one dampened only when a doctor appears in front of them, looking haggard and weary.

“Family of Evan Severide?”

Jay’s hand grips Kelly’s tight, fear lodging his heart in his throat.

Evan swims in a sea of grey mulch, both consciousness and unconsciousness battling with neither gaining ground. Voices flit and filter through his mind, but he can scarcely grab onto one to hear what its saying.

Words, slow, thick, heavy, glide past him.

**Fight.**

**Strong.**

**Wake.**

**Love.**

**Home.**

He knows he needs to fight. He just doesn’t know if he has the strength anymore.

He’s been fighting for so long; with Greg, with Maddie, with Kelly, with the 118, with himself…

He’s tired of fighting.

He’s just so tired.

Then, dragged into a swarm of memories so sharp and so vivid, yet each one lasting only a brief second, Evan finds himself surrounded with the faces of his friends, his family, his loved ones.

He finds himself remembering what made Chicago home, what made LA home, what helped him through some of the darkest nights and what he still has to fight for now.

What he needs to go home to.

**Jay.**

**Kelly.**

**Christopher.**

**Shay.**

**Mason.**

**Matt.**

**Eddie.**

**Jay.**

**Kelly.**

**Jay.**

His eyes snap open.

“Jay…”


	11. Home

The first thing he sees is Jay, face hovering above him like an angel. 

Evan blinks, gaze clearing as murky waters slip away, the smiles. "Hey."

"Hey." Jay croaks, and Evan can see tears tracking down his cheeks. He reaches up weakly to brush them away.

"Don't cry. I'm okay."

"You almost weren't.

Evan chokes on his own sob, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."

Jay smiles weakly. "You were doing your job, and I couldn't be more proud."

Evan forces a small smile. He loves his job and everything with it, but he knows how much he's scared Jay and he hates himself for it too.

"I love you." Jay whispers, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Evan let's himself melt. This is the one thing he's sure of - the one thing that grounds him so completely. At once, spiraling thoughts cease.

"I love you too."

When he wakes again, Eddie is there, and the words are tumbling from his lips without a second thought.

"You came for me."

Eddie jerks up, surprised and relieved, and the his brow furrows. "You thought I wouldn't?"

Evan glances away, but he can't deny that the short glimpse of him and Kelly had been a shock.

Eddie sighs, running a hand over tired eyes. "I was an ass, Buck. I hurt you and I never wanted to and I'm so damn sorry. I should have been there for you. I should have supported you."

Evan blinks back at him. "I don't want to be mad at you all anymore." Then he sighs. "I'm tired of being hurt Eddie. I'm just tired."

"Buck... We'll never be more sorry."

"I know." Because he does. He knows it all too well. "I know."

"We weren't thinking at all."

"I don't think I was either." Buck admits, feeling his own wave of guilt resurface. He knows he did nothing wrong, technically, but he should have known that it would hurt them, should have waited... He wonders how things might be different if he had.

But Eddie is shaking his head, and that confuses Buck. "You did nothing wrong. Not in my eyes anyway. Buck... I was so blinded by everything with Shannon that I... All I saw was you leaving me too."

It clicks like the final piece of a puzzle. "So you pushed me away."

"Yeah."

Evan scoffs. "Idiot."

"Pretty much." Eddie laughs softly, though it's still tepid and laced with apology.

"You and Chris... You were..."

The past tense hits Eddie like a brick. "Were?"

"You weren't the only one projecting Eddie. I'd spent so long running from who I was... Running from home..."

"So you're going back." He's not prepared for the shock of pain that runs through him. He knows now, how he feels, why he was so angry. Nearly losing the person you love definitely puts things into perspective. But now... Knowing he lost any chance...

"I don't think I can be happy here. Not anymore. Too much has changed."

"But Chicago?"

Evan shrugs. "I've forgiven myself. They've forgiven me."

"And us?"

"We're okay. But... It's still raw Eddie... I need to move on."

Eddie sobs, knees buckling. "I love you."

Evan's eyes flash with anger and hurt. "Don't. Don't do that. Not now."

"Buck..."

"Jay and I are engaged."

Eddie stops, hand hovering mid air where he'd gone to reach for Buck.

"I need to be happy Eddie. I need to go home."

"I want you happy Buck but..." He shakes his head, slinking towards the door. At the last second he turns, tears flowing freely. 

"Please don't go?"

Boden knows as soon as he enters the room, Evan can tell. They spend a few moments tlakk g about how he's feeling and the team and the 118 (Boden's sure they've learnt their lessons) and then, "You seem... Stuck..."

Evan shrugs. He wishes he wasn't so transparent and yet... "I spent so long being hurt, being angry but..." Unknowingly he echoes his brother's earlier words. "I forgave myself. You all forgave me. How could I deny them the same?"

Boden smiles. "I'm proud of you."

"Yeah..." Evan whispers, because it only makes things worse in some ways. "But it makes it that much harder to leave."

"The best things in life always come from difficult choices." Wise words as always from his pseudo father, and Evan let's them wash over him.

"So what do I do?"

"Follow your heart." Boden says simply, taking his hand. "Evan, you have two options. What you did back there, the LA Chief agrees with me that you showed the exemplary work and dedication of a Captain. The promotion's already in the works. Your choice is the 118 or 51."

Evan blinks at him, shocked and grateful and sad and troubled all at once. "What?"

"51 is getting a second rescue Squad. The 118 is getting it's first. Your name is at the top of both lists."

"Chief..." Evan shakes his head. It's too much.

Boden just squeezes his hand again. "Think on it."

He's released three days later, with non narcotic meds, crutches, and a list of PT exercises almost as long as the one for his leg.

Maddie comes over the morning after 51's last day at the 118. All that remains is his captain's ceremony.

All that remains is the choice of his life.

His old CFD uniform hangs alongside his LAFD one, and Evan knows the choice in front of him, knows what he should do and what he wants to do.

He just can't make himself reach out and take hold of it. Fear paralyses every inch of him.

Then Maddie is at his side, smiling softly. "I'm proud of you. No matter what."

It warms him, unfreezing each limb slowly.

He reaches for a bag.

Every eye is on him from the moment he steps out of the car, hands gripping tightly to his crutches. He can see the moment they all take in his attire, his decision. He can see the wide eyes, the grief, the happiness, the tears.

He keeps his head held high.

This is what's right for him.

Not anyone else.

Him.

The CFD patch seems to burn brightly on his dark uniform and he pointedly doesn't look at Eddie. He can't bring himself to, after everything. He can't bring himself to see the hurt there, even when he knows he's making the right choice.

Boden smiles widely at him as Kelly proudly brings over his new Captain's hat, placing it softly on his mess of curls. Just like when he beat his brother's record of becoming youngest lieutenant in CFD history, Evan sees no resentment there, only joy.

It warms him so completely, knowing his brother has his back no matter what.

Then Jay takes his hand, squeezing it tightly, and Evan's heart just about bursts.

Sometimes happy endings do exist. You simply have to work for them.

The Captain's ceremony passes by in a blur of praise and wide smiles. Chief Alvarez speaks, recognising Buck's exemplary work in the field of duty and dedication to the job.

"The city of LA will certainly miss you."

Buck almost cries. Almost.

Then Kelly is applying his pips and new badge, and Boden says, "Welcome back to the CFD, Captain Buckley."

"Severide." He croaks amidst his own tears, because in the end his past should have stayed his past, and he needs it to stay that way now too.

If anything, Boden smiles wider. "Captain Severide. Proud leader of 51's latest, Squad 7."

There's cheers and hollers (and even some confetti which he's pretty sure is Shay's doing) and then they're done. 51's time is up. They're going back to Chicago.

He's going home.

Eddie stops him before he can move towards Jay's car, voice breaking as he says. "I'm proud of you, Evan."

And isn't it sad that he doesn't know what to say to that? Doesn't know how to cross this barrier between them. He's forgiven them, yes, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Instead he just nods, swiping back his own tears as he says. "Tell Christopher I love him? And he can call me anytime."

Eddie's smile is strained. "He'll hold you to that."

"Good." Then he turns on his heel and slides into the car.

He doesn't look back.

The two day trip passes by in a blur, and then they're passing familiar red brick buildings and tall high rises, pulling up at 51.

Evan's smile is beaming, familiarity and a sense of home washing through him.

"Welcome home, kiddo." Kelly grins, and Evan just feels peace.

It lasts all of a few seconds before a raw, grief laden voice is screaming, "Detective!"

Every member of 51 spins towards the street as a gunshot rings out.

Jay hits the ground.

Evan screams.

Sometimes happy endings do exist.

Just not for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT A DEATH FIC! JUST ANGST AND DRAMA!


	12. Med

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love guys! Enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, or Chicago Med. I especially don't own the Severide bros or the Halstead bros :(

Everything happens in an instant.

Jay gains control of his momentum, hitting the floor and then immediately rolling to one side, weapon drawn, firing back, blood dripping steadily from his shoulder.

The perpetrator flees; they catch only a glimpse of pale skin, dark hair and thick rimmed glasses.

Boden is yelling into his phone, “PD presence required! Officer down!”

Evan slides to a stop beside Jay, hands ripping a strip from his dress uniform and pressing it to the hole in his fiancé’s body. There’s an intense ringing in his ears and all he can see is the leaking crimson, staining the truck bay floor and darkening Jay’s shirt. He’s not sure how much time passes before Jay lets his weapon drop, a forceful exhale leaving his body as he sinks back. Evan slips an arm around him, pressing harder on the wound.

“You’re okay.” He whispers, though whether it’s for Jay or himself or both, he doesn’t know. “You’re okay.”

The world speeds up again, Shay and Sylvie racing over. Evan hopes someone has taken Mason upstairs, but he can’t tear his eyes from Jay, breath caught in his chest as the two paramedics stem the bleeding with pressure packs and check his vitals.

“Blood pressure’s a little low.” Sylvie whispers, and Evan appreciates her trying to keep it all away from his ears, but he knows what gunshot wounds can do.

“Let’s get him in the ambo.” Shay replies, glancing towards Evan. “He’ll be okay.”

Evan can only nod as Kelly appears at his side, helping them lift Jay and get him onto a gurney. Flashes of red and blue light up the street, sirens wailing as uniformed officers appear to secure the scene.

Moments later, they’re off to Med.

His mind is still spinning as they push Jay into the ER, Sylvie reading off his vitals to the team stood by. He’s all too aware of the blood staining his shirt, his hands, sticking to him like a second skin. All he wants to do is scratch and rip and peel it away.

All he wants to do is wake up from what has to be a nightmare.

All he wants is to be able to hold Jay in his arms.

There’s a small commotion at the head of the gurney that brings him back to reality, eyes refocusing on the two doctors tending to Jay – one’s coat reading Rhodes and the other Manning – as they share a knowing look between them.

A few paces away, near to the reception desk, a man is staring wide eyed at the gurney. Jay lost consciousness a few moments prior to them pulling up, and while Sylvie assured Evan that it didn’t look too bad, that it was likely just shock, he knows Jay’s pale complexion speaks volumes. As they get closer, he realises the other man is also a doctor, and shocked recognition sparks through him.

“You…” He croaks, drawing the other man’s attention upwards.

He too blinks, before a brief smile draws over his face. “You…” He parrots, but then the man named Rhodes is addressing him, and the focus is back on Jay.

“Will, we’ve got him.”

Will nods, reaching out to squeeze Jay’s hand briefly before the gurney is gone, taken into one of the trauma bays. Evan knows without being told that he can’t follow.

“Didn’t think I’d see you here.” Will’s voice is rough, gaze locked onto the trauma bay partition, closed but silhouettes still visible like a macabre puppet show.

Evan blinks up at him, mind whirling even faster now. “You either.” The stark red wording on the man’s breast pocket jolts him further – _Dr Will Halstead, M.D._ seared into the backs of his eyelids.

Will opens his mouth further, but then a call on the tannoy – “Dr Halstead to ICU. Dr Halstead to ICU” – has him racing away without another word.

Evan blinks, refocuses, then watches the shadows silently.

It takes four minutes – 257 seconds to be exact – for the trauma partition to reopen. A further 20 seconds for the gurney holding Jay to be pushed out and down the long hallway. Another 12 for someone to say that they’re taking him to surgery.

For all those seconds, he feels like he can’t breathe.

It takes another seven minutes – close to 440 seconds – for the Intelligence Unit to arrive. Evan promptly collapses in his Uncle Hank’s arms, tears shaking his body so hard he feels like he’s going to be ripped in two.

“He’ll be okay, kid.” Hank says softly, rubbing Evan’s back. He pays no heed to the looks from his team, to the whispers wondering who exactly Evan is, and simply focuses on his nephew. “He’s strong, and he’s been through a hell of a lot worse.”

He doesn’t need to know that – hates the way it chews his insides up further – and yet the notion does relax him somewhat.

“What actually happened?” Hank asks then, because no-one takes a shot at his team without paying for it.

Evan gives him the details, though it’s not much to go on. Still, Hank nods, then gestures over to Antonio, Ruzek and Erin. “Get to the firehouse, see if Jin can pull up footage. I want this guy found.”

The three seem reluctant to leave without knowing if Jay’s okay, but Voight tells them he’ll update them when he knows. Eventually they go, leaving only Voight and Olinski. The moment they’re alone, Alvin makes his presence known beside Evan, squeezing his shoulder softly.

“It’s been a while, kid.”

Evan smiles weakly, watery eyes pulling away from Hank’s shoulder. “Hey, Uncle O.”

He’s pulled into a second bone crushing hug then, and Evan feels everything leave him as he tells them what had gone on the past few months in LA, and the CFD taking over.

“So you two are finally tying the knot, huh?”

“Yeah, we are.” He won’t let himself think of any alternative. “Do you think Lexi’d be up for being a bridesmaid?”

Alvin smiles widely. “I think she’d love it.”

They settle in for a long wait, broken only by the ringing of Voight’s phone, two hours in. He comes back looking both grim and relieved.

“They got facial ID on the guy. They’re headed over to his house now. Atwater and Burgess are with them.”

Alvin nods, then glances at Evan.

He understands immediately. “I’ll be fine.” He says softly. “I’ll call you when I get an update.”

Voight nods, squeezing his shoulder tightly. Then they too are gone, leaving Evan to finish the wait alone.

Thankfully it isn’t long before he sees the swish of a white coat in his peripheral vision, hopeful gaze meeting that of Will.

“He’s gonna be fine.” No preamble, and for that Evan is thankful. “Bullet knicked an artery, but he’s patched up and has had two transfusions.”

Evan lets out a breath. “Can I see him?”

Will inclines his head, and Evan is quick to follow, gaze dancing nervously over every doorway they pass.

“So you left L.A.?” Will says as they move down one of the hospital’s long hallways.

“So did you.” Evan replies absently, still scanning the rooms for any sign of Jay. “I didn’t even know Jay had a brother.”

Will sighs heavily, coming to a stop. “It was rough, ‘til about a year ago.” He gestures to one of the doors, but then his voice stops Evan as his hand reaches out for the brass handle. “Does he know?”

Evan stops, hand falling back to his side as he turns to Will. He says nothing.

“Does he know?” Will repeats.

Evan turns back again, shaking his head. “I can’t… I…”

“Okay.” Will’s voice is soft. “Okay, Evan.”

There’s a click as the door opens. Will says, “He should be awake soon. Tell him I’ll come by,” before he’s gone, leaving Evan to cross the threshold. Slowly, he steps into the room, taking in the sight of Jay. His complexion is better, and beyond the stretch of bandages peeking out under his gown, he just looks like he’s asleep.

As Evan slips into a seat beside the bed, taking Jay’s hand, he prays to a god above to just let them be happy.

Voight meets the team outside the suspect’s house, grim faced and gun drawn. Silent exchanges pass between them all, and then Ruzek is kicking the door in, and shouts of “CPD!” fill the air.

The home is infuriatingly silent though, no sign of the man anywhere. Voight is about to call everyone to pull back when the shaky voice of Erin comes through the radio.

“Sarge, you’re gonna wanna see this…”

He heads up to the main bedroom, spotting Lindsay first, her stature frozen in place.

“Erin?”

She doesn’t respond, which only worries Hank further. Moving deeper into the room, he allows his gaze to land on what has her so frozen.

One of the entire walls is covered in newspaper clippings and scrawled writings, blood red ink and dark smugged fingerprints.

Every single one of them is about Jay.

Voight swallows thickly, but it’s Erin who puts words to his thoughts.

“It isn’t over.”

The thick dark sludge of hospital coffee drips into the Styrofoam cup. Evan taps his foot impatiently, radio heavy in his free hand as the other jabs the machine’s button over and over.

“Hurry up.”

Casey had arrived at the hospital to check up on Evan and get word about Jay for the rest of 51. Somehow he’d managed to convince Evan to go change his clothes and get cleaned up, and to maybe get a cup of coffee.

Evan had, reluctantly, agreed. If only for the fact that the metallic tang of the blood on his clothes was still knocking him for six and turning his stomach inside out.

Matt had, anticipating Evan’s reluctance, brought two radios, telling Evan he would call if there was any change.

He’s just picked up the now brimming cup when the radio beeps, Matt’s voice filtering through. “Guess who’s awake?”

He almost sloshes the liquid and burns himself with the jolt of joy that spreads through him and how quickly he begins peeling away from the vending machine back towards Jay’s room.

Then an almighty boom rocks the air, a caphony of screams ringing in his ears.

Everything tilts and goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah… I thought this fic was gonna end but then I had some more ideas and uh… *Runs*


	13. Tick, Tick, Boom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you all think you know what's happened between Evan and Will, hmm???
> 
> *Rubs palms together*
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own 9-1-1 or the One-Chicago verse!

They hear it over the radio before they get back to Med, and every single heart in both squad cars drop to the pit of their stomachs.

“Brava, Charlie, 10-4. All units in attendance at Chicago Med. Explosion reported.”

Both Voight and Ruzek put their foot down harder on the gas pedal, words unspoken between them.

The sight that greets them is a like a scene from nightmares. Rubble decorates one side of the hospital car park, smoke and dust littering the air. People either run screaming or stand in disbelief, and it takes several minutes for them to get everyone back and establish a perimeter.

They know Jay’s inside, Evan most likely too, but they also know they have to work efficiently, not emotionally. As much as they want to run in there, they know they have to make the scene secure.

51 shows up a few minutes later, and things go from bad to worse when Kelly looks up at the building, at the rubble and smoke and dust plumes, tears in his eyes. “Matt’s in there.”

Suddenly both teams aren’t just fighting for their city, they’re fighting for their people too.

Word comes in quickly that their suspect was the one who ignited the device, on their person; that they were headed to ICU when they were stopped by uniformed officers guarding the wing.

Guarding Jay.

The slight relief felt that they weren’t near Jay, that he’s got a good chance of being okay, is marred completely by the utter wrongness, the disgust, sickness roiling in their stomachs, at someone being able to do such a thing.

They get back to work, highlighting the epicentre, the damage caused, the escape routes, and maintaining a steady evacuation of the building. Boden sends in Squad and Truck to shore up the damaged area and prevent further collapse, and to extinguish any electrical fires that had been started by the blast.

CPD continues, hearts in their throats, as they escort people out of the building; aided by medical staff they were able to contact through various channels.

Then, in amidst the smoke that lingers still in the air, a figure in a wheelchair emerges, dark hair and holding their shoulder, pushed by a sandy haired figure in turnout gear.

“Jay!”

“Matt!”

They’re coughing, wheezing slightly, and Brett and Shay are quick to move them over to the triage station, administering oxygen and checking vitals. Thankfully both are okay beside some smoke inhalation and Jay’s obvious exhaustion.

Still, it only takes a moment for Jay to paw at the oxygen mask over his face, gasping out the name of his fiancé. “Evan…? Where’s Evan…?”

Voight, one hand on Jay’s knee, sighs softly. “He’s still inside, but we’re gonna get him out.”

Casey, sat beside them, looks up through red rimmed eyes. “He was in the cafeteria.”

Voight’s head snaps up. The epicentre of the blast had been one floor below. “Are you sure?”

Casey nods. “We were talking on these.” He holds up the radio, miraculously still functional. The flashing green light almost mocks them though as he says, “Evan hasn’t responded since. We… We hoped his might just be broken or…” He lets it hang, a cough racking his frame as Sylvie puts the mask back over his mouth.

Voight swears, snatching the radio from Casey’s trembling hand and stalking away from the triage unit. “Evan? Evan, can you hear me?” He grumbles through the radio, waiting for a reply that never comes. He’s over to Boden in a nanosecond. “You need to send a rescue team into the epicentre. Evan’s in there.”

Boden’s face, usually impassive in situations like these, belays his own shock. Slowly, he nods. “Squad three.” He reports into his radio. “Head towards the centre. Missing persons reported.” He doesn’t need to say who it is. Kelly’s responding yell is enough.

Then, the radio, clenched tightly in Voight’s hand, flares to life.

“Uncle Hank?”

Madeline Buckley misses her brothers.

Though it’s only been just under 72 hours since they left LA, and though she’s somewhat forgiven Howie, the two of them sat in the firehouse sharing lunch, a part of her just wants to pack up and leave.

She knows she belongs here, in LA, but at the same time, how can she, when the heart of her is somewhere else?

As if on cue, her phone buzzes in her pocket, the name _Kelly_ flashing up as she pulls it free.

“Hey big brother.” She says as she answers, smiling brightly. “How’s Chicago?” She can see Howard frown over his pasta, but turns away slightly, focusing on Kelly’s reply.

“Maddie…”

She knows that tone, and it sends her stomach dropping right down to her toes like a lead weight. “What happened?”

There’s a pause, long enough that her feeling of worry intensified tenfold.

“Someone shot Jay.” Kelly says with a sigh. “He’s fine but… they bombed Med, and Evan’s still inside.”

Immediately tears spring to her eyes, bile rising in her throat; a soundless retch. Wide open, panic, grasping for her bag and standing without a word to those around her. “I’m on my way.”

“Maddie, you can’t – “

“Don’t you dare tell me I can’t do anything, Kelly Severide! If my brother’s lying in the middle of some goddamned pile of rubble I’m damn well gonna be there with him!” She screams down the phone, ignoring the sudden shocked and panicked looks from the rest of the 118.

She misses the ashen face of Bobby; the wordless cry from Hen; the gaping mouth of Howard; the way Eddie sinks to his knees. All she can focus on is the sound of her brother’s voice.

“Send your flight details to the 21. We’ll have Trudy organise someone to pick you up.” Kelly says softly. “I’m going back inside, so I won’t be able to call again for a while, but… stay safe, Mads.”

“You too.” She whispers, already halfway down the long stairs to the truck bay.

The ending beep rings in her ear like an echo, all too similar to that of a heart monitor, but she shakes it away, hurrying down the last steps to the point where she almost trips, down and out into the fresh air, hand reaching for her car door.

“Maddie!”

She turns at the last second, Howard just behind her.

“What’s going on?”

She can’t speak, throat dry and tight, eyes blurred by tears. “Evan…”

He doesn’t need to ask anymore, simply nods and bundles her into the car. “Let’s go.”

In that moment, despite everything, she’s never been more thankful to have him in her life.

Buck wakes to a fierce pounding in his head, a dull ache in his side, and the somewhat soothing grumble of Hank Voight.

Snatches of the day come back to him, hand fumbling aimlessly at his side for the softly vibrating radio. The plastic surface is warm to the touch, finger grasping on the red call button.

“Uncle Hank?”

He coughs softly, licking the metallic tang of blood from his lips as he waits for a reply. He can’t see where he is, and knows without a doubt that he must be under a pile of rubble. At the very least, he’s thankful he hasn’t been crushed. The little pocket of earth he finds himself slumped in is completely dark – he can’t even see his own hand in front of his face – but it seems spacious enough.

“Evan?!” The call that comes back is riddled with panic and relief. Evan feels his heart soar a little. “Hey kiddo. How you doin’?”

He takes quick stock of himself, mentally nods (he knows he should keep as still as possible, just in case), then presses the switch down again.

“Think ‘m okay…” He says softly, coughing again at the intrusion in his throat. Dust? Blood? Grime? He’s not sure. “Head hurts. Side a bit. Think ‘m trapped.”

“We got people comin’ to you kid, just hang on.”

“Kelly?” He asks, because if there’s anyone he trusts to get him out, it’s his brother.

“Yeah, bud, Kelly’s comin’”

He nods again in his mind, satisfied. “Jay?” He needs to know that he’s alright; that he’s out.

“He’s right here.”

Some of the tension leaves his body at that, body slumping a little further, and its then that the dull throb in his side becomes a white hot knife, sharp and unyielding. A cry tears from his throat, and in the back of his mind he’s somewhat thankful he let go of the button.

A moment passes. All he can hear is his own ragged breathing.

“Evan?”

“Jay…” A smile graces his lips. “I love you, Jay.”

“I love you too, babe. We’re gonna get you out, okay?”

“’m ‘kay.” He says, though his head feels like someone has stuffed it full of cotton balls and his entire body feels heavy and sluggish. He can barely feel the press of his finger on the red button. “Jay… Jay… Jaybird…”

A soft, choked sob. “Stay with me, Ev.”

“’m cold, Jay…” He whispers, feeling a sudden chill to the exposed parts of his skin, to somewhere deep inside. The shiver that covers him sends another sharp pain through his side, and this time the cry is heard through the radio.

“Evan!”

He wonders how he’s ended up here again, how many times death comes knocking at his door, and how many times he can escape.

He wonders if this is it.

“Jay… Jay, I need… I need to tell you…”

“What, Evan?” Jay’s voice is shaking. “What baby? What’s wrong?”

“It’s ‘bout… ‘t’s ‘bout Will…”


	14. Heat of the Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe... Enjoy? :D
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own 9-1-1 or the One-Chicago verse!

“Will?”

For a long moment Jay’s mind blanks, and then his panic levels rise even further as he remembers quite forcefully that **they’re at Med**.

“Is he with you?” He’s suddenly even more frantic than he already was, pulling the mask from his voice and shouting over to Voight - “Has anyone seen Will?!” – then back to Evan. “Is he okay?”

“N-No, n-no, J-Jay.” Evan’s breathing sounds laboured, even over the radio, and Jay can just feel his heart beating loudly in his chest. “I c-can’t s-see any… anyone…”

Jay frowns, confused. “Evan?”

“H-He…” A harsh cough echoes through the radio, rattling and wet. Jay feels like he’s been completely overtaken by panic now, and it overrides everything else.

“Don’t talk. Save your strength.”

He can almost imagine Evan shaking his head though as the other man says. “N-Need you… t-to kn-know…” Another cough, and then Jay’s shaking his own head.

“It doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter.”

“Kn-knew h-him…” Evan says, ignoring Jay’s call. “’n L… LA…”

At this Jay blinks, frozen for a brief second.

Will had been in LA?

Evan knew Will?

Had they…?

He shakes the suddenly rampant thoughts away. It doesn’t matter. At all. Everyone has a past and all that matters is their future. All that matters is now.

Unless it mattered because Will was here?

Why else bring it up now as a dying breath?

He shakes his head again, almost smacking himself.

Evan was not dying. Not today. Not here. Not now.

Not if Jay had anything to say about it.

“Well he’s a good guy to know.” Jay responds instead, then looks over to where Boden is on the radio with Kelly, hearing them closing in. “Keep your eyes open for me, Ev, help’s almost there.”

“I… We…” There’s another harsh cough, a whimper, and then silence.

Jay’s heart stops.

“Evan?”

“Evan?!”

“I got him, Jay. I got him.”

Jay has never been more thankful in his life to hear his brother’s voice than he is in that moment.

“Oh god, Will. Is he breathing?”

There’s a pause, then. “Just about. Jay, he needs Evac now.”

“They’re coming.” He says, praying with everything in him that they get there in time. “They’re coming.”

_Please, god, don’t take him from me._

Will Halstead has never been more thankful for having a small office than he is when the explosion happens. He ducks under the desk without thought, but beyond the walls rattling and a small rain of plaster, the cramped space seems unharmed and stable. The main difference is the light cutting out.

It allows him to grab his stethoscope, first aid kit and a torch, and head straight out to find people, eyes wide at the immediate cracks in the walls and the fog of dust that litters the air.

He wonders what the hell has happened, but doesn’t linger too long on it, focused instead with finding those in need.

He manages to patch up a few people and help them get to the nearest safe exit, and then he’s going down towards the centre of the hospital; the damage getting worse with every step.

What he sees next he knows will linger in his mind for a while.

Evan Buckley, lying prone and pale on a pile of rubble, with exception of the growing pool of blood beneath his left side. From first glance Will can’t tell whether he’s breathing or what the damage is, but he knows from the size of the rubble chunks and the hole above their heads that it’s clear he’s fallen at least one floor if not two.

It’s confirmed when he arrives at the man’s side, eying the piece of rebar sticking deep into his side, likely puncturing a lung. Blood trickles from the other man’s mouth, eyes closed, face slack.

Just as Will is about to check for a pulse, the radio in Evan’s hand crackles.

“Evan?”

“Evan?!”

His brother.

Will quickly snaps up the item, hitting the little red button and ignoring the way the controls are slick with blood. “I got him, Jay. I got him.”

“Oh god, Will. Is he breathing?”

Will quickly pulls his stethoscope out, pressing it to the other man’s chest, letting out his own sigh of relief when he detects the feint wheezes. “Just about. Jay, he needs Evac now.”

“They’re coming.” His brother repeats, “They’re coming,” and Will can hear the silent prayer hidden within the words. He knows, deep down, he would have pronounced the man a black tag were it not for the personal relationship they both shared with him, but here and now, as he watches Kelly Severide (also a man he once considered gone) arrive in his own air of panic and worry, he prays himself to be wrong again.

He prays for another miracle.

“Rebar in the left side.” He tells Kelly as the other Squad members arrive, then spies the other pool of blood matting the man’s hair. “Looks like a head injury too, and possible spinal trauma. You’re gonna need to move him carefully.”

It’s at that moment that he realises the squad team have no medical equipment with them, only rescue tools, and he knows from sending people out that any likely help is going to be a few floors down in the reception area, or outside.

He doesn’t think Evan has that much time.

But he’s not the ED Attending for nothing, brain rapid firing for a solution. “Wait a second.” He races down a side hallway without thought, skidding to a stop beside one of the equipment storerooms. He pulls out a neck brace and then continues further down the hall for a stretcher, before racing back to Evan’s position.

“We’ve no backboards, so you’ll have to move him slowly, but at least we can secure his neck and get him down to one of the theatres.”

Kelly nods, expression betraying his fear but focusing on staying professional. He coordinates the Squad team to lift Evan on his count once the neck brace is on, and they slowly move him to the gurney, jostling him as little as possible, and using one person to keep the rebar steady.

Will focuses on quickly securing Evan, and then they’re carrying him down two flights of stairs to the nearest theatre.

“Power’s out.” Kelly says softly, one hand around Evan’s. “Can you work without it?”

“I can if you help me and I can borrow one of your head torches.” Will replies as he sets up one of the emergency, battery powered, heart monitors, and sets one of the 02 valves going. The mask fogs up barely over Evan’s mouth, and he knows he needs to act quickly.

Kelly just nods, motioning to Vargas to hand his over. “Do it.”

Will settles it around his head and gets to work.

Jay waits in an agonising silence.

It’s been just over three hours since Kelly radioed to say that Squad and Will had moved Evan down to an operating theatre, and that Will was working to save his life.

It’s been just over thirty five minutes since further fire crews and engineers had deemed several areas of the hospital ‘still safe’ and they’d been allowed to move anyone injured back inside.

Jay has counted the tiles on the roof 14 times since he was made to sit, wheelchair bound, in some drab hallway to wait for news.

Then finally, a mere ten minutes later, Will emerges from down the hallway, and Jay feels like his heart is in his mouth.

“He’s gonna be fine.” Are the first words from his brother’s lips, and Jay almost sobs with relief.

Will just squeezes his knee tight and smiles. “He’s a hell of a fighter. Collapsed lung from some rebar, but he’s patched up and doing good. Vitals are stable. Should wake up soon.”

“He’s okay?” Jay’s voice is shaky, barely a whisper.

“Far as I can see.” Will smiles, pulling him in for a gentle hug. “Can’t give him an x-ray right now so I don’t know about spinal trauma, but he made a few twitches during surgery, so I’m hopeful. He’ll be sore, and have a hell of a headache, but I expect a full recovery.”

Jay does cry then, letting the afternoon’s fear out in the open. “C-Can I see him?”

“’Course.”

The room has a few other occupied beds inside, but considering half the hospital is out of use, Jay’s not complaining. He sits silently holding Evan’s hand, watching for any sign of movement beneath closed lids.

Will forced him into a more comfortable chair and made him promise to keep his arm in a sling (“You just had surgery yourself”), but otherwise left him be, telling him to press the call button if he sees any movement.

He’s almost thankful to be left alone. The whole afternoon had become a lot more than Jay had been expecting, and not just because of the explosion.

He still had no clue what Evan had been talking about when he mentioned Will.

He still felt worried about it, even if he knew he shouldn’t.

So although the silence made him think more, it also forced him to quell it quickly. Evan was alive, and that was all that mattered.

He feels the twitch under his fingers first, just a subtle movement, but then Evan’s arm is moving, barely, as if it feels too heavy for him to life, but visible nonetheless.

Jay hits the call button without a second thought, and then he’s leaning over Evan whispering softly. “Ev? Baby, open your eyes for me?”

A groan, mumbled and indistinct, but there, and then Evan’s eyelids are slowly peeling back to reveal those beautiful blue eyes Jay so adored.

“Hey handsome.” He can’t help but grin. “Welcome back.”

Evan’s gaze flickers around the room for a moment. “Jay?” He croaks, but the confusion in his voice and the way his pupils don’t land on anything specifically worries Jay immediately.

He brings himself closer to Evan’s gaze, voice rising a little. “Evan?”

“J-Jay?” Evan judders, panicked, hand gripping Jay’s tighter. “J-Jay… I can’t see…”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovies! Have a nice shiny new chapter!
> 
> Also, just a little bit of housekeeping: Please keep the comments section positive, happy and friendly. I’ve recently seen a bit of an influx of negative/spam comments and honestly it’s getting me down, which isn’t helping me with writing/posting. If you don’t like a story, just don’t read it; I don’t need to know why you don’t like it. All negative comments do is make me not want to write a story anymore (if any of you were wondering what happened to Deception, there’s your answer). Also spamming ‘update’ or similar is just going to annoy me; it won’t make me write/post faster.
> 
> That’s all. Enjoy the chapter!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1 or the One-Chicago universe.
> 
> Trigger warning for mention of substance abuse. If you are struggling, speak to a friend, family member, or trained professional.

A hand reaches for the call button almost instinctually, other gripping Evan’s that fraction tighter. For a long moment he panics, mind whirling around every single possibility and then the figure of his brother rushes inside. Instantly, Jay feels a calm wash over him.

Be as it may that a part of him is wondering – maybe even worried – about their connection, he knows there is no better doctor than his brother. He knows Will can fix this.

“What’s going on?” Will looks calm and composed, but Jay can see the light flare of panic in the other man’s eyes; the concern. It jumps the spur of jealousy that has been bubbling ever since Evan admitted to knowing the man in LA.

Still, he tempers it down, explains how Evan woke up but his eyes were darting around the room. His hand stays firmly clasped in Evan’s, the other man shaking gently as he repeats, “I can’t see.”

Will checks the monitor, flashes a penlight in Evan’s eyes, then says softly. “I think we need to take you for a scan, Roo.”

The nickname sends another jolt through Jay, a surge of the green eyed monster rising up, but then Evan is squeezing his hand tight, and everything else falls away.

“Jay?”

“Yeah, tiger?”

His Adam’s-apple bobs as he swallows thickly. “I’m scared.”

Jay feels tears prick at his eyes as he squeezes back, tight and reassuring. “I’m right here.”

No-one, not even Will, is going to change that.

Even though he can’t see it, judging by the intense vibrational sounds around him, Evan is pretty sure the bright white tube is just going to suck him up.

Yes, he’s done this before, but it’s so much different when you can’t see it, and that scares him beyond imagination.

It’s only through the grace of Will’s voice in his ear that he manages to stay calm.

“Almost done, Evan.”

Several more whines and clicks echo around him before he can feel the table sliding out again, and then he can breathe again. His chest heaves with the force of trying not to panic or cry, and then a warm hand rests on his shoulder, and he finds himself leaning unconsciously into it.

“I’m okay.” He whispers, because every second is all too reminiscent of lying on that rubble and wondering if this was when death was finally going to take him.

“You’re okay.” Will reassures, squeezing gently, and Evan can’t help but bring his lips up into a faint smile.

“Thanks Bear.”

He’s sure he can hear the smile on Will’s face too. “Always Roo.”

Jay relaxes the moment Evan is brought back into the room, and he takes a long moment to reassure himself of the other man, and reassure Evan that he’s there, before he’s moving to the other side where his brother is stood watching.

“Is he okay?”

Will nods. “There’s a little bit of swelling on the occipital lobe. We’ll monitor it, use medication, and intervene if necessary but… it should be temporary.”

Jay lets out a breath, rakes his hand through his hair. “Okay… Good.”

“You okay?”

He’s not really sure, if he’s honest. Doesn’t quite know how to feel. There’s a part of him that feels lost, scared, and another part of him that demands to know this part of Evan’s past that remains a mystery.

There’s a big part of him… that’s jealous, even if he also feels he has no reason – no right – to be.

And yet…

“How do you know each other?” It comes out of his mouth quicker than he can stop it and yet, at the uncomfortable look on his brother’s face, he can’t help the feeling that he needs to know.

His brother stays silent, forcing Jay to repeat the question, and then Will just sighs, and that sets Jay on edge even more.

“I think it’s Evan’s story to tell.”

“Bullshit. You may not have known who he was but I told you I was going to LA for someone who meant more to me than anything. He was by my side when they brought me in and now I’m by his. Do you think that means nothing?”

Will’s silence is unnerving, and where Jay would usually laugh off his brother’s attitude, it does nothing more than rile him further.

“Were you involved?”

At the very least, Will blinks, eyes bugging out slightly in disbelief. Jay hopes it’s because he’s completely wrong, rather than an essence of panic about him being right. Still, the silence remains.

“Were you involved?!” Jay roars, heart pounding in his chest. He wants to trust Evan – does trust him, more than anyone he’s ever known besides maybe Voight – but he’s already lost him once, nearly lost him two more times since. He just doesn’t know how much more his heart can take. His hand clenches, lifted a little at his side, and for some strange reason it flashes him back to when their father died; to the anger and pain Jay had directed at his brother unwittingly. It makes him step back a moment, take a breath, let his eyes wander instead of pining his brother with accusation.

“Will…”

There’s a cough, and then Evan’s voice drifts silently across the room. “I’m not asleep, you know?”

Jay sighs, turning back to the bed. “I’m sorry. I just…”

“No.” Evan sighs, struggling to sit up. “You deserve to know.”

Jay helps him sit, then takes the seat beside the bed. He wants nothing more than to assure his fiancé that whatever it is, they can get through it, yet fear has his throat tightening.

Evan swallows, fingers absentmindedly fidgeting with the blankets. “About a year after I left I uh… I met someone. And she was nothing compared to you but… she was hurting and I thought I could help, maybe… atone for my own sins. But… like so many others… she just used me and spit me back out. Ghosted me for the better part of three months and I… I fell, Jay…” His breath hitches, reaching out for the other man, and Jay can’t deny him the comfort.

Not when he realises he’s been so wrong in his panic.

Not when he loves the man beyond measure.

“I relapsed.” His voice is barely a whisper, shaky and defeated, cheeks stained with tears. “Will saved me, sponsored me. I… didn’t know who he was. We… we just went by first names or nicknames.”

Clasping Evan’s hand tightly, Jay gives his brother a soft smile. “So Roo – ”

“Comes from Buckaroo.” Will responds with his own smile. “I just went by Will, but this one decided my full name must be Wilbur, of all things.”

A smile splits Evan’s lips. “You looked like a Wilbur.”

“Which then became Will-bear, and then just Bear. We were really sticking with a Winnie the Pooh theme.”

The tension that had filled the room dissolves completely then, all three of them laughing quietly.

“I’ll, uh… give you two some privacy.” Will squeezes Evan’s shoulder softly, gives his brother a pat, then takes his leave.

And though Evan knows he’s still going to have to fill in a few blanks there – neither brother having known the full story – for now he’s just content with the weight having been lifted from his shoulders.

“I should have told you.” He says softly, hand still gripping Jay’s. “Before we came here, before you asked me again – ”

“It doesn’t matter.” Jay tells him, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “It’s in the past. And I’m sorry for letting the green eyed monster get the better of me.”

“Really? You thought me and Will…” Evan grins, amused.

“What? You’re a hot commodity Mr Captain Severide.”

“No pun intended.” Evan laughs, leaning closer to Jay’s presence.

“Plus he’s got the hair.”

“Yours is better.”

“Really?” Jay raises a brow, holding back a chuckle.

“Nah.” Evan grins. “I mean, those red locks! Who can resist?”

“Oh, you’re gonna pay for that tiger.”

“Make me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I can do happy chapter endings! :D I was gonna have Maddie appear at the end, but she and Chim will come into it at the start of the next chapter, which will also include a little Bear and Roo talk. I just wanted to end it with a teasing Bay.
> 
> Also, if you like my Buck in Chicago fics, I’ve posted a new story called ‘Missed Connections.’ Do check it out and let me know which pairings you want to see! :D

**Author's Note:**

> The 51 is made up of my favourite characters here, in an alternative future, basically. Shay never died, nor did Darden, or Otis, and this is about four years after Benny’s death. Kelly and Matt are together.
> 
> So 51/118 are:  
> Chief Wallace Boden.  
> Truck: Matt [Capt], Otis, Mills, Hermann, Mouch, Gallo, Kidd.  
> Squad: Kelly [Lt], (Buck [Lt]), Tony, Capp, Cruz [Lt], Vargas, Darden.  
> Ambo: Shay, Brett, (Hen), (Chim).  
> Ladder: Nash [Capt], Diaz, (Hen), (Chim).  
> Plus OC’s where needed.


End file.
